my best mate

Hello, this will probably be my first and only post here, its something that I want to share with people and your welcome to reply if you like, it would be for my information more than anything else. Apologies already for the fact this is going to be drawn out, and im feeling pretty emotional at the moment, so please bare with me.

Ive just lost a friend that I can only describe as being the closest person I have ever had, someone I found who accepted me for who I was, laughed at my jokes even though they probably werent funny to him at all, and would never have treated me wrongly in anyway. I can hear you all thinking, "so what", the thing is, to me, the most important thing I could achieve in life was having someone like that, its all I wanted and I honestly would have done anything for this person, and i mean anything.

Im 19 years old, and since day1 my life has been fucked up. I wont go into my life story but to summarise; ive been abused by people from day1, my self esteem has been knocked so many times by people that I had began to see myself as someone who is incapable of being accepted in society at all. (a social outcast, is possibly the easiest way to describe), the real fact is that, there was never anything wrong with me at all, it was the people who made my life a misery- they caused a sensitive, happy, innocent person to become an isolated, dejected and depressed individual. (I wont really go into details, because it will take far too long and i dont think some people would like to hear about things that people are capable of doing to each other)

Then, out of nowhere I met, by chance, someone who was to change me. The way i was treated by this person, just to feel "normal" and actually caring about ME not about using me or hurting me has given me a new outlook in life and had built up the esteem that i had lost all those years from the people who continually knocked me down.

Ive lost this person now though, because "I" chose to, I had perhaps the closest conversation I will ever have with someone, where I told him exactly what had happened to me before in my life and how he has helped me so much. He had given me the urge to wake up in the mornings and feel alive, to eventually have a smile on my face, to feel good about myself for once, to love who I am (it had come to the point where i had been psychologicaly abused so much that I hated myself, and believed that i was worthless) - if u tell someone for long enough how stupid, inferior and worthless they are, over time they will begin to believe it.

Now ive broken out of this cocoon that kept me imprisoned in my own mind, thanks to this person.

Ive lost him because of circumstances outwith both his and my control, but the truth is that he is the only person on this planet that I will ever love, and i truly mean love, because now I can pick myself out of the rut ive been in all my life and hopefully move on to better things. The short time span ive been with this person, ive became SO happy I cant even describe it, its beyond explanation, the closest thing that I could describe it as being love, and it is the only time in my life i have felt it for someone.

Now that hes gone though, i have lost him maybe in person, but what he has been to me i will never lose, and what he has done for me in my life I could never repay, what he has done for me is worth more than if i would have won the lottery, or had anything else. He has helped me to understand that I am worth something, it feels so stupid now that I thought about myself the way I did, and it was hard for him to believe how I had been treated and why I felt the way i did.

Thats about as much as i can go into just now (its been hard writing this, and im sorry if some (most?) of it is rambling, but this is my way of releasing the pain that I have that he is gone (something that hurts unexplainably). If you want to know more about details please ask.

All I want to say is that, i am so god damn happy that ive found my true "best mate" and although hes not there for me anymore, what he has left behind in me will always be in my heart. I just wish that people wouldnt be so nasty to each other, because I could have had a happy life and been so fulfilled, now im scrambling to hold my life together and the memories of abuse and cruel treatment ive had to put up with will never disappear, but at least now I can deal with them. Thank you for reading.