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Letter to the guy who SA me (TW: sexual assault)
starfish_17
Posts: 226 Trailblazer
I have written an open letter to the person who sexually assaulted me and needed to post it somewhere. Thanks in advance if you bother to read the whole thing, I know it's very long!
TW: Sexual assault
I wish you knew how you have made me feel. I want to ask you why you did it or if you regret it, even slightly? I thought we were friends, I trusted you and you broke that trust in the worse way possible. Did our years of friendship count for nothing? Seeing you continue with your life like nothing has happened and then feeling this pain I feel does not feel fair. You have made me feel ashamed of myself, you have made me feel like I’m not worthy of anything and most of all you made me feel powerless.
I used to be a carefree, happy girl who would happily share my thoughts and feelings with anyone who asked. Now I feel embarrassed about what happened and that I have to keep things a secret and cannot share with anyone because of fear of being judged or not being believed. I’m ashamed of what happened and even though, deep down, I know it was not my fault, I feel responsible and that I should have done more to stop it. When speaking to people in the past I have had comments such as “you’re a pretty girl, just see it as a compliment” or “part of you must have wanted it because you didn’t stop it” how do you think these make me feel? Is this what you thought at the time, that it was a compliment to me, and I wanted it? It makes me feel like I am to blame and that maybe they are right, and I should just try to accept the fact it happened and just move on. The worse comment for me was “he was just a teenager; he was hormonal and didn’t mean it and didn’t know what he was doing” does this make it okay? We were the same age, and I would like to think, by 18/19 years old, you understood consent and that what you were doing was not consensual and I did not want it. I understood that, so why would you not?
Some days are fine, and I feel like myself again and then other days are a struggle to get out of bed for fear of leaving the house. I feel worthless and broken. I can only put on a brave and happy face for so long before it gets too tiring which is hard considering the job I am going into requires me to have a happy face all day everyday Infront of the children.
I wish I could scream in your face for what you did to me and for ruining how I feel about myself. You had no right to do that and no right to make me feel how I do now. But I know I can never do that because I am terrified of you and so you have won. Is that what you wanted? It’s now my fault for feeling the way I do because I didn’t do anything at the time. My fault for getting in the car with you and not leaving when I had the chance, it’s my fault for not saying no loud enough or enough times, and its my fault for not pushing you off me. In a way, blaming myself makes it easier because that way its less likely for something to happen again if its in my control. But I know its not really fully my fault and that’s really scary. I know its your fault that when I said no, you didn’t stop. Its your fault that when I tried to push you away, you pinned me down harder.
I remember finishing training late one evening and just wanting to go home to bed, and you offering me a lift as a friend. I remember feeling uncomfortable when you touched me the first time and thinking I should find another way home. I remember trusting you when you apologised and said you would stop then I just remember being scared when you didn’t stop. I remember wanting you to stop but not knowing how to stop you without casing you to crash the car. I remember being frozen, unsure what to do. I remember the feeling of your fingers all over my body. I remember just wishing it was over.
I ask myself a lot if I should have reported it at the time or if I should still go ahead and report it now. What if you have done to other girls what you did to me? Could reporting you prevent this from happening? I wish I could, but again, I’m scared. Scared to sit down with the police and relive that evening in as much detail as I can. Scared to hear the words “there is no evidence and so we can’t investigate this any further” again. When I reported a different incident, these words broke me and left me questioning why people even bother to report things when the police don’t care. If it was my word against yours, why would they believe me? I could report you; the investigation won’t go anywhere and then you know it was me. What would you do to me then?
You will never understand the full extent of what you did to me. The fear I now live with and the punishments I have given myself since the day it happened. Do you have any idea how scared of guys I am now? How I sometimes feel trapped and anxious when I am in the car and don’t feel safe? It took me months to trust my boyfriend when we first started seeing each other and luckily, he is nothing like you and was happy to move at my pace and take time in trusting each other. I am so lucky to have him, but I feel bad for this influencing my relationship slightly now.
I hate the fact you have got away with it and that you have won but there is nothing I can do. Whilst you are happily continuing your life, I am trying to find specialist support and counselling to help me continue with mine. It’s taken me years to even get to the point of trying to get support and now I have to wait 1-2 years for this support to begin and try and rebuild myself and regain my power. I don’t want this to ruin my life and I know I won’t feel like this forever but at the moment I do, and I hate you for this.
Mod edit: TWs highlighted and line spacing added
TW: Sexual assault
I wish you knew how you have made me feel. I want to ask you why you did it or if you regret it, even slightly? I thought we were friends, I trusted you and you broke that trust in the worse way possible. Did our years of friendship count for nothing? Seeing you continue with your life like nothing has happened and then feeling this pain I feel does not feel fair. You have made me feel ashamed of myself, you have made me feel like I’m not worthy of anything and most of all you made me feel powerless.
I used to be a carefree, happy girl who would happily share my thoughts and feelings with anyone who asked. Now I feel embarrassed about what happened and that I have to keep things a secret and cannot share with anyone because of fear of being judged or not being believed. I’m ashamed of what happened and even though, deep down, I know it was not my fault, I feel responsible and that I should have done more to stop it. When speaking to people in the past I have had comments such as “you’re a pretty girl, just see it as a compliment” or “part of you must have wanted it because you didn’t stop it” how do you think these make me feel? Is this what you thought at the time, that it was a compliment to me, and I wanted it? It makes me feel like I am to blame and that maybe they are right, and I should just try to accept the fact it happened and just move on. The worse comment for me was “he was just a teenager; he was hormonal and didn’t mean it and didn’t know what he was doing” does this make it okay? We were the same age, and I would like to think, by 18/19 years old, you understood consent and that what you were doing was not consensual and I did not want it. I understood that, so why would you not?
Some days are fine, and I feel like myself again and then other days are a struggle to get out of bed for fear of leaving the house. I feel worthless and broken. I can only put on a brave and happy face for so long before it gets too tiring which is hard considering the job I am going into requires me to have a happy face all day everyday Infront of the children.
I wish I could scream in your face for what you did to me and for ruining how I feel about myself. You had no right to do that and no right to make me feel how I do now. But I know I can never do that because I am terrified of you and so you have won. Is that what you wanted? It’s now my fault for feeling the way I do because I didn’t do anything at the time. My fault for getting in the car with you and not leaving when I had the chance, it’s my fault for not saying no loud enough or enough times, and its my fault for not pushing you off me. In a way, blaming myself makes it easier because that way its less likely for something to happen again if its in my control. But I know its not really fully my fault and that’s really scary. I know its your fault that when I said no, you didn’t stop. Its your fault that when I tried to push you away, you pinned me down harder.
I remember finishing training late one evening and just wanting to go home to bed, and you offering me a lift as a friend. I remember feeling uncomfortable when you touched me the first time and thinking I should find another way home. I remember trusting you when you apologised and said you would stop then I just remember being scared when you didn’t stop. I remember wanting you to stop but not knowing how to stop you without casing you to crash the car. I remember being frozen, unsure what to do. I remember the feeling of your fingers all over my body. I remember just wishing it was over.
I ask myself a lot if I should have reported it at the time or if I should still go ahead and report it now. What if you have done to other girls what you did to me? Could reporting you prevent this from happening? I wish I could, but again, I’m scared. Scared to sit down with the police and relive that evening in as much detail as I can. Scared to hear the words “there is no evidence and so we can’t investigate this any further” again. When I reported a different incident, these words broke me and left me questioning why people even bother to report things when the police don’t care. If it was my word against yours, why would they believe me? I could report you; the investigation won’t go anywhere and then you know it was me. What would you do to me then?
You will never understand the full extent of what you did to me. The fear I now live with and the punishments I have given myself since the day it happened. Do you have any idea how scared of guys I am now? How I sometimes feel trapped and anxious when I am in the car and don’t feel safe? It took me months to trust my boyfriend when we first started seeing each other and luckily, he is nothing like you and was happy to move at my pace and take time in trusting each other. I am so lucky to have him, but I feel bad for this influencing my relationship slightly now.
I hate the fact you have got away with it and that you have won but there is nothing I can do. Whilst you are happily continuing your life, I am trying to find specialist support and counselling to help me continue with mine. It’s taken me years to even get to the point of trying to get support and now I have to wait 1-2 years for this support to begin and try and rebuild myself and regain my power. I don’t want this to ruin my life and I know I won’t feel like this forever but at the moment I do, and I hate you for this.
Mod edit: TWs highlighted and line spacing added
Post edited by JustV on
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