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Disconnected a Raw Sense of Loneliness
mk1881
Posts: 131 The Mix Convert
I don't really know what's going on inside me but I feel disconnected from pretty much everyone; as if everyone is progressing but I'm still stuck in a place of immovable force. I'm on vacation with my family right now but it doesn't feel like normal. I'm stuck in this place of reminiscence of when vacations and memories are just spent with my immediate family. But the past few times they've been spent with my immediate, my grandma and our family friends. When it was just the immediate, it was peaceful and everything was "right" in the world. I know that it's simply because I was younger and didn't have as much responsibility as a kid. But I still long for those times. Maybe I'm being selfish, I don't really know. I thought about disappearing from the world (I'm not suicidal right now and haven't been for a little over two years). But then spending some special small moments with my mom, my sister and my brother made me realize I don't want to leave them. The issue is that I don't really know what to do in my life right now. It feels unfulfilling, I sound like Thomas (my best friend). He always used to say that life was unfulfilling, he's gotten better and sees more purpose in life. I don't know, I just wish that I had a space where people understood what it's like to be in public and feel simply out of place. Like I have crippling anxiety and sometimes I think that I just make alot of my emotions a problem for myself. That they aren't all that bad and I exaggerate them, but I know that it's important to validate myself and especially my emotions. I don't know if my emotions are at the gravity I think they are. I don't really know anything. Not in the sense of lack of intelligence but as a sort of lost mindless sense. I want to know what to do in life and understand my "purpose." Most Christians find it in God, which I can truly say I am Christian, but I'm unsure if I see purpose in just the idea that God has a purpose for me. I want to know what it is immediately so I can follow it. So I can live and it mean something. I'm waiting for something and I don't know what that is but I wish it would hurry up. I feel like I'm being dramatic and weak even though I know that one of the greatest shows of strength is showing your emotions. If anyone has any words on these thoughts I'd be more than happy to read them. Thank you guys for continously being here for me and not just me but for each other. It's inspiring, I'll continue to try to do the same for y'all.
"But our lives will only ever always Continue to be A balancing act That has less to do with pain And more to do with beauty." -Shane Koyczan
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Comments
I'm hearing that you are feeling disconnected from everyone. That sounds tough. I don't think it's selfish for you to want things to be like how they were before. It's positive that you are still managing to find some small moments to spend with your immediate family. Have you spoken to your immediate family and told them how going on holiday with other people is making you feel?
I'm also hearing that you are feeling unfulfilled at the minute and you are not sure what to do. That sounds difficult. Is there anyone you could ask for advice, for example a careers advisor? As a Christian myself I agree, I feel like God has a purpose for everyone, but sometimes it doesn't come immediately which can be frustrating. What interests do you have, is there anything you'd like to do?
I completely agree it is an amazing strength to be able to show your emotions so well done for reaching out on here and talking about how you are feeling.
Please keep us updated with how you are feeling, we're all here for you
Thank you for validating me. I haven't really spoken to them about it just because I don't want them to feel bad about it. They think "the more the merrier." Which in most cases is nice but also the sanctity of having a small group of people is an environment I thrive more in. There are definitely people I could ask, I'm not sure great at reaching out to others but I'm working on that. I don't know. I don't like asking other people about stuff like that just because I have a therapist and I feel weird asking others when I have that resource. I have several interests. My main two interests are psychology and music. I want to become a music therapist but it's a lot of school and I have a hard time staying motivated. And thank you, I used to not be great at conveying, let alone showing, my emotions to others. I definitely will give updates. Thank you again. I hope you have a great day.
That sounds like such a complex state of mind to be in, because on the one hand, you're so acutely aware of the pain you are in and where this sense of detachment is coming from, yet nothing seems to be alleviating it. It's no wonder you're left feeling pretty isolated from your family, especially because you don't want to be perceived as a 'negative nelly' who doesn't want other people around. Equally, I am a strong believer that we are allowed to want our space away from others, especially on something like a vacation where everyone is meant to do what makes them calm and relaxed.
I know you're talking about feeling unfulfilled alongside the deep-seated emotion of disconnection. Given how passionate you are about psychology and music, it seems like you'd be absolutely brilliant at making a career out of this! Although, I know that's much easier said than done, when you're considering the immense level of education required to bring this dream to fruition. I guess we could try and think of some ways to maintain your sense of motivation, even when it becomes really stressful thinking about all the studying involved. What makes you excited about doing music and psych and helping people in this way?