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Confusion around sexuality

ab3456ab3456 Posts: 1 Just got here
in Gender & Sexuality
I'm currently feeling really confused about my sexuality. I first experienced this confusion about 5 years ago when on holiday with one of my best friends of 3yrs (I'd never noticed any kind of feelings towards her), we were having a great holiday and I was reflecting on the trip what a great time we had and that I loved her as a friend - as soon as I had that feeling/thought I panicked and though wait what kind of love is that? Do I love her ? Am I attracted to her? I've had a history of relationships & crushes only on men. During that time my brain went into overdrive for months and I became very avoidant of my friend. It reminded me of an experience I had when I was about 12 yrs old and I was thinking about a girl at school a lot who I admired her look/fashion sense, I really wanted to be like her/copy her fashion sense. I remember thinking why am I thinking about her so much - I don't fancy her do I - I don't want to fancy her - what's going on kind of thoughts? I let these go and totally forgot about this throughout my teens until I had this holiday experience with a friend at 20 yrs old.

Now I'm 25 and I'm in a committed relationship with my boyfriend of 8yrs and we've recently brought a home together. I thought I'd move past this and let things go, I haven't had these thoughts for a few years now. Until about 2 months ago I was with a coworker (female) who we've bonded very quickly I thought how nice is this we've become really close very quickly, she is very caring and helpful. I immediately got that panic feeling again like oh wait do I like her more? Is she just a friend? Is this a crush? And ever since this I have been in this inner turmoil am I bisexual? How will I ever truly know - I'm in a committed relationship and I see myself spending the rest of my life with this man, having kids etc. I worry that if I don't act on it to find out I will always be in this permanent state of confusion and unable to enjoy life/this relationship.

I have opened up to my boyfriend about this and he is very supportive he says he's highly doubtful I do fancy these people and that I'm blowing things out of proportion and he's said either way it doesn't matter what my sexuality is as we're together and we love eachother. I just don't know how I'm going to move past this without a definitive answer. I'm scared we got together to young so I haven't had time to truly understand myself (I know we never fully do). I am so lost

Worth noting I also suffer with anxiety, obsessive thoughts etc. so I struggle to determine what of this situation is 'real' and what is coming from my mental health issues which makes it even harder to decipher.

Comments

  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,107 Part of The Furniture
    edited July 2022
    Hello @ab3456. Welcome to The Mix's community. It is great to see you have joined us.

    Thanks for reaching out to us. You have shown a lot of courage in telling us about how you are feeling and what you are experiencing.

    I am hearing that you are feeling confused about your sexuality as you have noticed thoughts and feelings towards females even though you thought you were only attracted to males.

    It sounds really positive that whilst trying to process this, you have reached out to your boyfriend about it and he is very supportive. How are you feeling about the things he has said?

    It would seem that struggling with anxiety, obsessive thoughts etc makes it more challenging for you to determine what is 'real' and what is coming from your mental health issues. Have you got the support you need at the moment to manage your anxiety and obsessive thoughts or would you like some more support with this?

    If you would like any further support, some resources you might find helpful include:
    • Switchboard - (every day 10am - 10pm) - You can call 0300 330 0630, email chris@switchboard.lgbt or use the webchat.
    • Anxiety UK (Monday-Friday 9:30am - 5:30pm) - You can call 08444 775 774, text 07537 416 905, use the webchat or email support@anxietyuk.org.uk.
    • No Panic (everyday 10am-10pm) You can call 0300 7729844 or use the Live Chat.

      Please keep us updated on how you are doing. We are all here for you. Also, congratulations on buying a house with your boyfriend! :)
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  • StellalunaStellaluna Posts: 62 Boards Initiate
    @ab3456 It is understandable to feel some confusion about sexuality at some point. You are under no pressure to put a label on yourself, and we are here at The Mix to help you in your journey towards learning more about yourself. Nevertheless, these feelings can be confusing and may play on your mind, making you want closure. Something you could consider are these following questions which you are under no pressure to share with us online: Are you able to remember what sorts of physical sensations you had when you were around this friend on holiday or the co-worker? Are these sensations and feelings similar to when you had crushes on males? Did you ever fantasise about being in a relationship or having sexual interactions with them? Do you think what you felt at the time was infatuation? What do you mean by acting on it to find out? Do you think having this closure about your sexuality will benefit your relationship and future plans with your current partner? Your boyfriend seems supportive and accepting of your sexuality which is fantastic.
    Some guidance on the differences between romantic and platonic love can be found here:
    https://liveboldandbloom.com/08/relationships/platonic-vs-romantic
    Hope this helps.
  • AislingDMAislingDM Moderator Posts: 1,666 Extreme Poster
    Welcome to The Mix @ab3456 <3 I really appreciate how brilliantly you've been able to express your emotions, worries and experiences, especially because you've mentioned how confusing this all is for you. And I know having obsessive thoughts can make it really challenging to discern 'what the objective truth is'. It's no wonder you're left feeling so unable to work out what's going on inside your mind and even with a supportive partner (which I'm so glad to hear about) it can be difficult to reconcile with the idea that you might never be able to act on these potential feelings. Wondering this does not make you a bad person in anyway, nor does it take away from the loving emotions you have for your boyfriend <3

    Maybe a good first step is acknowledging that many women who are attracted to women say that their feelings of attraction differ from that towards men, so comparing the two emotional and physical feelings might be challenging for some? It can be especially challenging when the feelings you are questioning are directed towards people you already know as friends/colleagues, rather than 'random' women on the street.

    It seems like getting a clear cut answer is really important to you, and I can definitely relate to that, being able to define ourselves (whilst unimportant to some) can be critical to us moving forward in our lives. So, as well as sitting down and thinking about the great questions that others have already asked, it might be good to think about how you feel about the label 'bisexual' or 'queer' or anything else like that, in the abstract? (I don't mean like what do you think about gay people morally, but rather what that label means to you and how you interpret it, do you feel that if you were that label this would change your life/relationship?) I suggest this because sometimes it's easier to start from a more 'objective' beginning point.

    Huge hugs for you and the stress you're under right now, I really hope we can support you through this journey, no matter where you end up! <3 xxx
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  • AislingDMAislingDM Moderator Posts: 1,666 Extreme Poster
    Hoping you're feeling okay about this and that you're not too overwhelmed @ab3456 <3
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  • MaisyMaisy Moderator Posts: 627 Incredible Poster
    Hey there,

    It sounds very difficult for you to have had strong feelings towards other girls and then question your sexuality based on these feelings. It's also quite difficult when you want closure but also that you are in a long term committed relationship with your boyfriend.

    I agree with @Stellaluna in perhaps asking yourself about the kind of feelings you have. You went on holiday with your friend whom you felt intensely towards...was this a kind of 'I love her like a sister' type of feeling? Or as stellaluna asks, do you fantasise about being sexually intimate with your friend? As for the girl at school- it's quite common to admire someone and want to be like them.

    Asking yourself questions about your feelings and also recognising the difference between platonic and romantic love might help you. Even though we get older and focus more on romantic relationships, it's entirely possible (and completely okay!) to have strong platonic feelings for others in our lives, even to the point of loving them. I have had several people in my life that I loved very intensely but I saw them like family members rather than romantically.

    All the best <3
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