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We've started our first discussion for our Christmas campaign which is focusing on religion or cultural beliefs that help you when you're feeling down. Some of the responses will be used anonymously on social media as a video. If you'd like to take part, head over to this thread.

TW Suicidal Thoughts

SupernovaSupernova Posts: 740 Incredible Poster
I've realised that I do not value my own life. My existence is meaningless, worthless. I am no good to anybody. I can't sleep. My thoughts are racing, I want them to stop.
lovemimoon_Tech_Addict_Girlames

Comments

  • amesames Posts: 20 Boards Initiate
    Hiya @Supernova

    First of all, if you're in need of advice, both the Mix and suicide prevention charity Papyrus have various articles about coping with suicidal thoughts. (I was going to link a few, but I don't think I've made enough posts to be able to do that yet sorry :/ .) I'm not sure whether or not you'll have heard the advice before, but I would say they're definitely worth checking out!

    You said you feel like you're worthless, no good to anybody. Why is that? Is this something you'd feel comfortable talking about more? If you'd like to, I'll be here for support when you need me <3
    Supernova
  • KatKat Posts: 83 Budding Regular
    Hiya @Supernova

    I am sorry to hear you are feeling so low, it must be really tough to be having these thoughts. But thank you and well done for sharing these thoughts with us.

    I haven't been here long but I have seen you around on the boards and I want you to know that your existence is important and I care about your wellbeing and I'm certain that there are many other people on the boards who also think that you are so much more than worthless. <3

    Like @ames has said, it might be helpful to think about why you feel this way. You're always welcome to talk to us about it, or if that feels like too much maybe you could try and write your thoughts down in a journal. You say your thoughts are racing and you can't sleep, maybe putting your thoughts down on paper would help to get the thoughts out of your head and onto paper instead. And remember there are always the helplines at the Mix and Samaritans who are specially trained to listen.

    If you haven't already, it might be worth getting some professional support to help you come up with coping strategies to deal with these thoughts.

    For now make sure you look after yourself and try to do something today that brings you joy, which can be as small as listening to your favourite music or doing a hobby.

    You have been so brave sharing this with us and remember we will be here to help you get through it. Sending massive hugs your way <3
    Supernova
  • SupernovaSupernova Posts: 740 Incredible Poster
    Why do I feel like this? I hate myself, I'm ashamed of myself, I'm guilty about so much. Due to my insecurities, every friendship I have will die, every relationship I have will die, I will never trust anybody. Try as I might to forget it all and allow myself some happiness, it never goes away, and I realise I'm only ever going to be left with this crippling loneliness and feeling of worthlessness. I feel like I've irreparably broken myself through years of this, years of looking at myself in disgust. My motivation and ambition are dead, and hence, I have nothing left to offer anybody. I wish I could meet all of these kind words with anything other than cynicism, but I can't. I'm struggling and the only thing that gives me any comfort is the thought of not struggling anymore.

    I self harmed for the first time in years early this morning. Kept telling myself that I deserved it. I don't feel like myself anymore, like I'm losing my mind. Instead of thinking about the right thing to say to help people, I've been thinking about just the right things to say to hurt them. As such I want to withdraw from people, but I know if I stay alone with this, something awful is going to happen.
    lovemimoon
  • FriendlyneighbourFriendlyneighbour Posts: 27 Boards Initiate
    Hi Supernova, it sounds like something may have happened to cause you to spiral and feel you've lost control as you mentioned you self harmed for the first time in years.Was there a specific event to make all these thoughts more prominent today or have they just built up so much that you self harmed?

    It must be awful to have this guilt and feel your insecurities are impacting your friendships. You are not alone and you do deserve to be happy. How long have you felt this way for? Have you seen therapy in the past? They can suggest healthy coping mechanisms for when things feel this way.
    Supernova
  • SupernovaSupernova Posts: 740 Incredible Poster
    @Friendlyneighbour

    I've been feeling this way intermittently for a few weeks. While simultaneously trying new things and trying to ignore the discomfort, anxiety, self-consciousness etc that came with it. The past couple of days were a concentrated version of that. SH was an alternative to what I was actually thinking about.

    I have been deteriorating into this ever since my dad died. Through isolation and various forms of self destructive behaviour. The truth is that I've been courting this for years. I've had counselling, but this is different. I had a chat with a crisis line earlier, I managed to be more honest there. Perhaps I can just copy some of what I said to remove the inhibition behind what I disclose.
    lovemimoon
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 7,554 Legendary Poster
    Hey

    I’m really sorry to hear you’ve been feeling so low, I’m glad you’re talking about it here because despite what your brain might be telling you, you don’t have to go through this alone. I can really empathise with how you’re feeling. I’ve felt the same myself. It’s a horrible place to be in.

    I wish I had more advice for you but I just wanted to send you hugs and support. Please know that you’ve helped me many, many times on here and you help many people, so you’re very much a valued member of this community.

    We are all here to listen to you and support you in whatever way we can <3
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
    Supernova
  • SupernovaSupernova Posts: 740 Incredible Poster
    Thank you @independent_
  • amesames Posts: 20 Boards Initiate
    Hi again @Supernova

    Just dropped in to see how you're doing, and I'm glad to hear that you've been talking to help lines, I hope that being able to talk honestly and openly with them has helped you a little. <3

    I agree that withdrawing from others is a dangerous course to take. My only advice for this is, as @independent_ mentioned, not to listen to what that voice in your brain is telling you to do, or what it is telling you about yourself. I know from experience that insecurities can be hard to overcome, but they are founded only in your current perception of yourself.

    From what I know of you from your messages, you're an emotive, eloquent person, somebody that wishes to be connected and caring with others. Your insecurities may be holding back your friendships, but that doesn't mean you're worthless, that you're undeserving of them. You deserve to give yourself the time to overcome your insecurities. You can live, you can be kind, and you can achieve, and you don't have to be alone. I'll be wishing you all the best! :)<3
    Supernova
  • SupernovaSupernova Posts: 740 Incredible Poster
    Thank you @ames
    ames
  • SupernovaSupernova Posts: 740 Incredible Poster
    I feel a little better today - but it's strange to come down from such a dire mood. I feel like I was close to acting on my thoughts, and all I wanted was to go to sleep and stay that way. I'm unsure whether I'm throwing buzz words around here but I feel like I'm heavily dissociative at times. Things just don't seem right, or real. The thoughts I was having already seem distant, but they aren't, and they could come back at the drop of a hat. It's scary.
  • SpaceOtterSpaceOtter Posts: 111 The Mix Convert
    Hi @Supernova , it’s good to hear you feel a little better. Sending lots of hugs, I’m really sorry things have been so rough.
    I just wanted to say you matter to us so much. I’m always happy to listen if you ever need anything <3

    That does sound all very scary, and maybe something you could talk do your gp about if you feel Comfortable. You’re worries and feelings are completely valid and definitely something you should talk about. You don’t have to bottle all this up.

    Well done on reaching out to us. Keep posting. We’re here for you <3
    Supernova
  • SupernovaSupernova Posts: 740 Incredible Poster
    Thank you @SpaceOtter
  • SupernovaSupernova Posts: 740 Incredible Poster
    Feel like I should post some of the messages I had with the crisis line, since its often all to easy to he dishonest / reductive when it comes to things I'm embarrassed by. I had two chats on the day I posted this, both talking about some different things, but I only have logs of one. Here they are:

    "I've been alone, and by extentions lonely ever since my dad died"

    "All types of social interaction are an issue for me"

    "But the one that is unbearable is related to relationships, because it feels so shameful"

    "But I feel inadequate in every respect - personality, body, experience - all of which leads me to feel so worthless"

    "Like I'll never be good enough for anybody, but feeling lonely compounds all of that"

    "The two problems together seem insurmountable"

    "All of it leads me to not really value my life any more, and the only value it does have is not causing family any more pain than they've already been through"

    "Doesn't make me any less miserable though"

    "My perceptions feel so wrong, that reality seems so far away and I don't feel like myself anymore"

    "I'm starting to think more and more uncharitably towards others - instead of how to fix them, how to break them"

    "It makes me feel the need to isolate further"

    I have some thoughts and questions after all of this, but I feel like they're best left for another post. Given the element of shame I feel in all of this, I'd like to leave myself the option to delete the post. I dunno, this all makes me feel very vulnerable - like a laughing stock. My instinct is always to isolate, but then the cycle repeats itself.
  • FriendlyneighbourFriendlyneighbour Posts: 27 Boards Initiate
    Hi @Supernova ,

    I'm glad you're feeling a bit better than you were the other night. It's scary when thoughts overtake one like that.

    Just to clarify, when you mentioned
    But the one that is unbearable is related to relationships, because it feels so shameful
    , is this due to feeling guilty due to having a close relationship with your dad?

    I understand the thought pattern you're talking about where you have two conflicting thoughts, one is that you want to get out and meet people because you're lonely but the other thought is that due to the way you feel and your current mindset about yourself, you don't feel in a good enough place to meet new people and even if you did, you may worry about not making the right impression.

    I used to feel lonely a lot and when you're feeling that way, it feels like a huge challenge to meet someone yet it was all I could think about at the time. What I found helped me, was to find other reasons to get out of the house. If it's a hot day, I would go to the park and read a book, go for a nice walk, visit a museum, started some hobbies, go to coffee shops etc.. After doing this for sometime, I naturally felt and looked more confident and I ended up meeting people doing the stuff above. For example, I discovered one of my local museums did beginner drawing classes and that I wasn't the only person who went alone.

    I feel this could maybe be something to try and it could also distract you from your thoughts and make you feel more confident about yourself.
    Supernova
  • kimberley1907kimberley1907 Posts: 86 Budding Regular
    Hi @Supernova.
    I'm sorry to hear you've been feeling like this. I am glad that you reached out to a crisis line, and I hope they proved helpful. I'm also sorry to hear about your Dad's passing too.

    I have also felt suicidal and had these thoughts a lot, and I also found it weird when a couple days later I stepped back and didn't feel the same anymore. It can be super confusing. Maybe we do disassociate when this happens, I'm not sure about the technical and psychological aspects of that.

    But I saw something yesterday that said in Winter you're so cold, you can't imagine being hot. In Summer, you're so hot you can't imagine being cold. It's the same with mental heath and your mental state.

    Have you tried to access help recently? I know you mentioned counselling before, but maybe your GP could refer to some better services? There is help out there and you deserve it.

    Take care of yourself, and try to take each day as it comes. I know it's challenging but you're doing your best right now. <3
    Supernova
  • SupernovaSupernova Posts: 740 Incredible Poster
    Thank you both so much @Friendlyneighbour @kimberley1907 -- also @Kat as I don't think I thanked you properly. I'm feeling better today. Still not perfect but much better obviously, and I've been trying to do things that I enjoy and not focus on the negative thoughts. I also had a review with the GP, which resulted in a medication increase, and some referrals for different counselling I can follow up on. CBT, Bereavement Counselling, Relationships Counselling, etc. And as I've also tried many different medications and therapies, she also mentioned that I should potentially see a psychiatrist - which is not something I've done before.
    kimberley1907Kat
  • kimberley1907kimberley1907 Posts: 86 Budding Regular
    I'm glad to hear that you've been doing better, and you've been doing things you enjoy. I think that's something that always help. And I'm glad that you've spoken to your GP and made some changes. Hopefully they work out. Maybe the psychiatrist could work as well. Mental health is all about figuring out what's best for you. Take care of yourself, we're always here for you if you need us xx
    Supernova
  • amesames Posts: 20 Boards Initiate
    Good luck with your counselling, it's reassuring to hear how many options you've been given. I hope all goes well for you! <3
    Supernova
  • SupernovaSupernova Posts: 740 Incredible Poster
    Back in a bit of a rut again. I'd actually been doing better for a while, or at the very least my thoughts weren't dominated by the negative. But it seems as though that's never to last, because my mood has shifted back to the low and anxious as it always does. I can't even properly pinpoint why it happened. I just know that I'm very tired and want desperately not to think anymore.
    AifeLorryTruck
  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 2,436 Community Manager
    Sending lots of hugs your way @Supernova. It sounds really tough going through this and just wanted to let you know we're here for you anytime you'd like to talk. Keep us updated with how you're feeling <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
    Supernova
  • SupernovaSupernova Posts: 740 Incredible Poster
    Thanks @Aife will do
  • SupernovaSupernova Posts: 740 Incredible Poster
    Still in the rough patch. Managing to distract myself still and keep to commitments I have with friends. But regardless, I don't have much energy for people, and things seems really meaningless.
    lovemimoon
  • lovemimoonlovemimoon 🦋 Posts: 2,246 Boards Champion
    Hey @Supernova

    Wondering how you're doing these days! :3
  • SupernovaSupernova Posts: 740 Incredible Poster
    @lovemimoon

    Well as mentioned I had quite a big period of feeling extremely low and anxious. Not to mention the negative things that come alongside that. Lately I've been doing a little better, or atleast it has felt like I'm getting out of the rough patch. But I've still had a couple of days since then that have been similarly difficult.

    As for right now I'm pretty low. Just trying to distract myself as best as I can, but I'm a little unsure of what I want to do. Likely won't be long until I'm in bed and I'll see what tomorrow brings. Regardless thank you for your reply. :)
    Aifelovemimoon
  • SupernovaSupernova Posts: 740 Incredible Poster
    Things are pretty bleak of late. I feel awful and don't really know what to do anymore.
    lovemimoonBrookee
  • BrookeeBrookee Posts: 243 Trailblazer
    @Supernova I think you've done incredible persevering through such a difficult time!

    I know that life can make use feel so alone, but please know we will always be here to support you through! Do you feel able to expand on how you're feeling right now? Please don't feel like you have to if that's something you're not comfortable with.

    I just want to let you know that we all care about you, and you aren't alone in this <3
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