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childhood abuse hitting me years later
Distraction
Posts: 449 Listening Ear
(This all happened when I was writing a poem, thought it better posted here instead of under the poem, didn't expect for this to happen but I feel like i need to get this out into the world)
I cried a little writing this one, I wish I could have been there for me at that age, abuse is abuse no matter the form, I've been made to feel like it isn't equivalent to other forms of abuse but a kid should never be treated badly, I was never hit, I witnessed it, I feel so guilty, I use to wish I would get hurt so my sister would be ok but all I ever did was freeze in those situations, I couldn't move, I watched her get her hair pulled out and she was screaming, like a murder scream, I just stood there, my mother had her hair wrapped around her wrists, she was sitting on top of her back, my sister on all fours in the door way, just screaming, she couldn't get away and I remember just standing there watching it
This happened years ago and I'm writing and crying about it now, my chest hurts, I don't know what happened to bring this on, I want to talk to my step mum so much, I want a hug from her but I can't let people see me like this, I don't know why, I'm not ashamed, I just turned it off when people are around, my life was scary as a kid and no one in this family understands that
I can't stop crying, it's like I'm just realising it happened, so much happened back then and my mother doesn't even care where I am now, she moved away not long after I moved out, I don't where she is and I don't know what to make of it, I was abandoned by her but I moved out first so was I the one to abandoned her? I said I'd always be there for her, I tried so much to help her, I was so scared of her and for her, I don't know if I miss her, I just wish she would called, I wish she would have cared, I put everything I had into her and she can't even call me, this hurts so much.
I cried a little writing this one, I wish I could have been there for me at that age, abuse is abuse no matter the form, I've been made to feel like it isn't equivalent to other forms of abuse but a kid should never be treated badly, I was never hit, I witnessed it, I feel so guilty, I use to wish I would get hurt so my sister would be ok but all I ever did was freeze in those situations, I couldn't move, I watched her get her hair pulled out and she was screaming, like a murder scream, I just stood there, my mother had her hair wrapped around her wrists, she was sitting on top of her back, my sister on all fours in the door way, just screaming, she couldn't get away and I remember just standing there watching it
This happened years ago and I'm writing and crying about it now, my chest hurts, I don't know what happened to bring this on, I want to talk to my step mum so much, I want a hug from her but I can't let people see me like this, I don't know why, I'm not ashamed, I just turned it off when people are around, my life was scary as a kid and no one in this family understands that
I can't stop crying, it's like I'm just realising it happened, so much happened back then and my mother doesn't even care where I am now, she moved away not long after I moved out, I don't where she is and I don't know what to make of it, I was abandoned by her but I moved out first so was I the one to abandoned her? I said I'd always be there for her, I tried so much to help her, I was so scared of her and for her, I don't know if I miss her, I just wish she would called, I wish she would have cared, I put everything I had into her and she can't even call me, this hurts so much.
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Another time she chased me up the stairs I went for my room because I couldn't I couldn't get to the bathroom fast enough, I slammed my door close and I was trying to block it with furniture as I was doing that her arm got through the door, I could feel her anger coming off her, it was my weight against hers on the door, trying to keep her out, I had to slam myself against the door and jam her arm in the door, I felt so bad, I hated myself for hurting her, I was so scared, eventually she went to my sisters room, started arguing and I just sat there crying, barricading my door
I didn't want to talk to anyone about it but last night my step mum walked in and I ended up just giving her a hug and she hugged back, she told me there was nothing I could have done back then. I didn't want her to find out I was upset but I think a little bit of me was glad she did. I asked her not to tell my dad and as far as I know she hasn't, we haven't spoken about it after that.
A bit about me and my sisters are in the nest post but it's quite long so I don't mind if you don't want to read it
Me and my sisters don't talk, it gets a bit complicated so I'll leave that for another time but I went to go live with one of them (the one who got beat pretty bad, the oldest, call her A). It was a bad idea, I felt bad for leaving my other sister (call her B ) at home with my mother, I didn't mean it when I told A it would be nice to live in her one bedroom flat, my mother was there at the time, it all happened so fast, I ended up moving in.
A was in an abusive relationship (Call him C), one night I walked in on them fighting, he was pulling her hair and she was screaming again, and again I froze but then I just went back to the bedroom, I don't remember much after that, there was knife on the radiator, I asked about it once, A told me it was incase a robber came in, I never believed it.
I still remember the smell and being in that small room, it was messy, they had a cat and it had flees and I was sleeping on a matters on the floor, so itchy from the flee bites.
I think my sister really tried but I knew something wasn't quite right with her, after being beat like that by your mum and then boyfriend no wonder your not right but she was manipulative, I think she had a heart but she also had an evil sense about her.
I knew I wasn't aloud to see B, she came by after school and A wouldn't let me see her and I remember calling my dad on the phone but I had to whisper
one night I was meant to go stay at my mums, a sleep over and then suddenly A said no, I think my mother was drunk again but I just wanted to be with her, they started arguing and A called the police, the police man came over to me and told me he thinks would be better if I went with my sister for the night, I still remember the feeling of being so close to someone who could help me, I wanted to tell him everything, I wanted to tell him that I hated it at my sisters and I was more worried about being there than my mothers, I knew my mum, my sisters was the unknown, C was the unknown, my mum was my mum and she was scary but I grew up with her, C was someone new, a new scary and I didn't want to be there, when the police man started walking away I felt all my hope go with him, I felt safer with him in those two seconds then I ever did before, if I just told him. We got back to the flat and A put me on her knees, she was patronising but I played dumb, I was so anxious, the policeman didn't know that he just sent me off to one nightmare instead of another.
When we both lived at my mothers, A and B had an argument, when mum was out, B went upstairs and I went to check on her, I then went back downstairs to check on A, A was in the living holding a bowl of fire above her head, I ran back up the stairs and told B we had to get out because A was going to burn the house down, a thousands thoughts went through my mind, I imagined A at the front door, blocking our way out, it was all wood, the stairs, the landing, the wooden floorboards, but once we got downstairs A was in the kitchen and she simple said, I put it out because I thought this bitch (me) was going to tell on me, now I don't know if it was for insurance or to kill us all but it seemed strange to say that.
I don't know when but also remember being in a meeting with socail services, I was still young, under 12 for sure we were at a table and a couple people were in the room, I got asked a few questions, I got asked if everything was ok at home, my mother was behind me, I felt her presents like it was the only thing in the room, I was very much aware she was there, I had to say everything was good and smile because my mum told me that if anyone found out about anything she would kill my sisters first, then me and then herself.
I always felt responsible for my mum but this is getting really long so I'll stop here for tonight.
Thank you for listening
Just as @Riley has said, you have truly been so brave and courageous for sharing your story with us. You have shown a lot of strength by doing that - big hugs to you
You never ever deserved to go through what you have been through. I can hear that you are recalling your history now, and whilst I imagine that can feel frightening and overwhelming, it can also mean your mind is beginning to process things which can be a very valuable way of moving forwards to a place of wellness and recovery from traumatic events - so that's a positive to hold onto
So I am wondering, have you had any support for your experience/are you receiving any support? you really do deserve some
I am pleased to hear you have some support from your step mum, a hug really can help so much! How did it feel to write your thoughts out to us?
I see myself (in a few years) at rock bottom, ending up an alcholic, taking pills, I'm trying to get through college because I know I need it and will be thankful in the near future that I stuck with it but I think I need help to get my head in the right place, then other times I think I can just get over it and just get on with it. But everything is so difficult, I can't even complete a simple project, I don't know the difference between laziness or if it is something else.
Thank you so much @coc0mac , I'm sorry I left it so long, I just couldn't face this post for while, your words really mean a lot, I tried school/college counsellors but they were't very helpful, other then that and my step mum I've often been told to not tell people out with the house, which was really shit advice because while I was at school, some people really cared and I think it might have done some good to talk to them.
I find it easier to talk when the other person shares their experience as well and it's more of a casual chat going, I just don't see the point in just telling someone all my problems, it just feels like I'm going through a list in my head but not actually connecting the emotions to it.
Sometimes I feel like I just have to be strong and that involves acting like it never happened, when I was a kid, I didn't see myself living this long, I didn't aspire to be anything (other then being in the military because it'd be ok if I died) I always seen myself growing up into a lone wolf, I didn't want to feel or need anybody and then I moved to Scotland and seen a different way of life but I never fully adapted to it and I feel confused and frustrated, half the time I don't see the point and death crosses my mind (nothing serious) and then the other half of the time I see a life that I could have (after college and uni and getting a degree) but it seems so far away, unable to grab it, like people like me aren't meant to have it and I'll go the other way (crap job, drink, unhappy) I want the good life but I just feel stuck in a place where I can't get out of and I'm going to lose this opportunity
This is what made it hard when she would leave in the middle of the night, we stayed next to a river and whenever we couldn't find her, I'd think she'd be floating in there, she'd go missing a lot and I didn't want to go to school because I didn't want to leave her alone, I thought if no one was watching her she'd somehow pass away, when I was at school I thought I'd get picked up by the police and be told she had died.
When ever she got drunk in town she would pick fights with guys minding their own business, they could have done anything to her/us, she was out of order and I wouldn't be surprised if one of them wanted to punch her lights out.
She phoned for a taxi using a payphone, the payphone was across the street of a very busy road, maybe three lanes and she just ran across without looking, phoned the the taxi ran back, realised she forgot her bag, ran over again and then ran back again, I honestly don't know how she didn't get hit. (I use to get sent to primary school in taxis, we couldn't afford them and I went knowing I had no money to give the man, it would often be the same two men who drove me to school, they were nice and be ok with coming back to get their money sometime later)
There were times we would eat ice cream together and watch movies, there'd always be a bottle of something around but in those times it was just us and no troubles, I got to snuggle into her, feel safe but I knew it wasn't real, I wasn't daft, I knew something would set her off, even now that's one way my mum and step mum are the same, something always sets them off and they get angry and nasty and you can never relax, always waiting for the next fight.