Home Health and Wellbeing

self harm (tw)

AriannaArianna Posts: 75 Budding Regular
Hi.

Just wanted to do a venty thing about some stuff.

TW: self harm
I just... am not having a good time. I will be, technically, 5 years self harm clear this year. But somehow it's never stopped being something I want. Like, I understand all the recovery theory about how, even after a long time, to want to return to old coping mechanisms in times of stress is natural. Because we want the comfort of something old and easy and familiar. But it's... not like that. It's not like the urge to hurt myself went away and, in times of stress, I vaguely consider it as a possibility before realising I now have healthier coping mechanisms. 

It's still the way it always was. I want to hurt myself more than anything in the world. I will almost, almost do it. And then, instead, I will sit on the floor in the shower for a long time. And when I get out, I'll pick up one of the healthier alternatives, elastic bands, cold water, that still hurt, just in a safer way.

And I just... I don't know that it's worth it. It feels like an inevitability. I can't imagine that I will go this whole lifetime without, and if I am bound to eventually, why not now? But somehow it's also a strange kind of loss. This used to be a coping mechanism that helped. It was easy familiar and it worked. Of course it did. And now I don't have that, anymore. Because if I did, if I decided I wanted that back, somehow I'm not sure it would help. Not the same way. Whatever relief it might bring would be so quickly overridden by the guilt of it, the feeling that I'd thrown away so many years' progress. I wouldn't feel the good for longer than a half second before I'd probably want to throw up.

And... maybe that's a good thing. It stops me hurting myself. But somehow it just feels a little bit like grief. Like losing a thing that used to be good, and wanting it, still, more than anything, even when you know getting it back would be somehow worse.

Anyway. Stupid twisty brain feelings. There's not a solution. But I just... wanted to say the thing. Sometimes it feels a little bit like it's not valid to struggle with it when it's been so long, like it can't possibly feel as bad. I don't know. Maybe it's not. Maybe I'd like to be heard regardless.

Appreciate you all!
Ari.x
Tagged:
_AJ_ShaunieJade09

Comments

  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 3,589 Community Veteran
    Hey Arianna :)

    first of all well done on being 5 years clean this year! that's something to be proud of  :)

    what helps me when I think about relapsing is to think of all the reasons why I wanted to recover in the first place, what made me fight so hard to overcome it. what were you're reasons for stopping?
    I understand the struggle around it, I feel like it will always be a part of me too, the struggle is very real.
    are you receiving any help for your thoughts that make you want to self harm?
    the problem with self harm is as you said it only works for a few seconds then all the feelings come rushing back, worse than before and having to deal with the aftermath of it aswell, I've come to learn it just isn't worth it...

    I don't know what else to say but just wanted to offer some hugs, you're not alone and we're always here for you :)<3
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
  • AriannaArianna Posts: 75 Budding Regular
    Thank you @BubblesGoesBoo :)

    For a long time it used to be helpful to remember how long I’d not. But I sort of feel like... while it still has the same outcome, it’s not a good feeling. It’s more a guilt/ pressure thing when I think about how long it’s been. It’s not a positive motivation anymore. Which sucks.

    I’ve done some talk therapy and am on a waiting list again now. But I haven’t ever felt comfortable enough with therapy peeps to be able to bring it up, really, and the once I did the guy told me not to ‘pathologise’ my past and seemed to imply I was basically being dramatic about it. Not been super helpful.

    Thank you for the hugs. *hugs back*
  • StephanieStephanie Posts: 849 Super Moderator
    Hey @Arianna

    Just wanted to check in to see how you are doing? 

    Also want to echo what has been said already, and let you know we are here for you and care about you :heart:

    Sorry to hear about your experiences with therapy, sometimes it can take time to find the right therapist for you, we may not always connect with somebody straight away. 

    How do you feel about being on the waiting list for therapy? 

    Sending you lots of hugs :smile::heart:


                                   "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light" 

    - Albus Dumbledore 

    "Like when I was down you just had that smile that made me feel like everything's worthwhile. Thinking of the day when you went away, what a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you"

  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,644 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Hey arianna. Sending hugs x How are you doing today? 
    .
    Arianna
  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 3,589 Community Veteran
    Arianna said:
    Thank you @BubblesGoesBoo :)

    For a long time it used to be helpful to remember how long I’d not. But I sort of feel like... while it still has the same outcome, it’s not a good feeling. It’s more a guilt/ pressure thing when I think about how long it’s been. It’s not a positive motivation anymore. Which sucks.

    I’ve done some talk therapy and am on a waiting list again now. But I haven’t ever felt comfortable enough with therapy peeps to be able to bring it up, really, and the once I did the guy told me not to ‘pathologise’ my past and seemed to imply I was basically being dramatic about it. Not been super helpful.

    Thank you for the hugs. *hugs back*
    hey :) do you have any healthy coping mechanisms that work? when I get the urges it's kind of a 'you don't deserve to feel good' thought in my head so I do something that does make me feel good, like getting dressed, doing my make-up or just a bit of self care, I also have some prn for when that doesn't work, could you ask about getting some prn? I've found it very helpful :)
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
  • AriannaArianna Posts: 75 Budding Regular
    Hey @Stephanie

    Thank you for your reply! Much appreciated :)

    I'm... doing okay. Not ideal, but I think eventually you fall into the familiarity of a place even if it's not necessarily a good one? But we shall deal.

    You're absolutely right about therapeutic relationships. Not everyone's style will work for everyone else! But there can still be something to gain from trying. The waiting list is good - it was definitely a step I needed to make, and I've done my bit. Chances are though that when I do get offered sessions I won't be able to take them, because if (as is likely) I'm still living at home it's super difficult to get out the house reliably every week. So it might be a case of closing the file for now and then referring again once back at uni. Not really sure! But it will hopefully figure itself out eventually. 

    Thank you for the hugs. Many hugs back.x
  • AriannaArianna Posts: 75 Budding Regular
    Hey @Shaunie ! I'm alright. Just gotta do a day at a time for now. It's good to hear from you! Sending lots of hugs back.x
  • AriannaArianna Posts: 75 Budding Regular
    Hey @BubblesGoesBoo

    I... I generally do distraction things. Usually that means scrolling on my phone? Sometimes I take the dog for a walk. Mostly I just use the alternatives. It's sometimes a control thing for me, or a 'you deserve this' thing, or often a 'just wanting some sensation instead of the numb' thing. I think usually for that people suggest, like, biting into a lemon, but that's not exactly realistic when you don't want anyone to notice lol! And as you probably know, it's really hard to do nice things for yourself when the whole point is you don't feel you deserve it.

    PRN being... like pro re nata meds? Or...?

    Thank you for your suggestions! *hugs* x
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