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Anyone Miss/remember me? :’3

maddie050maddie050 Posts: 47 Boards Initiate
edited March 2020 in Introduce Yourself
(TW: Suicide, descriptions of hospitalisation)

Hey guys. Had rough days. I’ve missed talking to you all. :3

The last time you heard from me was when I was going to leave home, yes, it happened. Then social care didn’t let me go home, so I stayed at a friends for a few weeks, but I felt guilty. I couldn’t carry on with life any longer, so after school I didn’t go to her house. I stayed out at night, planning an overdose. I had them. Later on in the night, she found me with another friend. I told them to go home. They followed me. I walked out in front of cars to scare them off, but instead my best friend stayed by my side, walked in front of those cars and never left my side, my other friend didn’t, but my bestie did. She nearly got hit one time, and I was crying and telling her to leave. She was so upset and mad.

Someone’s had called the police, and when they came, I tried to leave, but she helped them and grabbed me. They put me in the car, spoke to her outside. One sat in the car with me. Then they put her in the car, and took us back to hers. I said I couldn’t stay there. So as soon as they opened the door, I ran. The police grabbed me, and put me back in the car. My besties mum agreed that she couldn’t make me stay, so the police put me on a protection order, and when they were talking outside of the car, I overdosed. My friend was suspicious, and told them that she thinks I’ve took something. They didn’t listen. They took me to the police station. I stayed there for hours, until I was really sick and dizzy. So they called paramedics, and they took me To the hospital.

I was put on drips, I had to stay for 2 weeks, also so they could find me a foster placement. I got one and left hospital. But during over half my stay, I escaped the ward, and was about to attempt to end my own life, but police were called and they took me back into the ward, and they didn’t open any doors after that in the ward.

When I got to the foster placement, it wasn’t okay. Then after a few weeks, I couldn’t take everything again, and the thoughts flushed my mind. So I left school, police found me, and took me to the foster home. It was on the last day of school, so there was half term. My foster carers didn’t let’s me out, they locked ‘all’ the windows. No doors to the outside were opened. I refused to eat and do nothing beside wait at the door and wait for someone to come. Just sitting there. I’d go bed late, and wake up early and sit there. That’s all I did. I wanted to go. They called a doctor to the house to check on me, I refused him. I said that I’ll just leave with the doctor, so the doctor couldn’t leave for a while, but they managed a way out, so it annoyed me, and so I checked the windows upstairs because I didn’t check them ones. 

My carer ran up and grabbed me, and rang the police. They chatted, but I didn’t talk much. They left, and the paramedics came. I barricade myself in the room. They couldn’t get in. So they called the fire engine. They were going to cut through the roof. There was a tiny gap at the top of the door, and a police woman was coming over the top, I knew she was going to get in, but she was sacrificing her knee, as it was going to get injured. So I told her to get down and I’ll move the bunk bed I barricaded it with. And she thanked me so much, they were all nice. But they said that I’m going to the hospital. I really didn’t want to go. But they put me in so many leg straps, and hand cuffs. Then put more straps on from the ambulance bed. I couldn’t move, they sat on my legs. I kicked off so much. I moved constantly until I fainted because I had no more energy.

Then I remember getting in the hospital and kicking off for hours, as I was still in all the straps on a mattress on the floor in the hospital, and they were all holding and sitting on me. Then they took me to another hospital to be assessed by doctors, and restraints were used all the way. They all sectioned me, the doctors and the police. Now I’m here, in a mental hospital sending this message to you all. And no, this isn’t helping. I still want to die. I hope you are all doing well, even you @Shaunie. <3

(Mod Edit: Descriptions of suicide methods removed and paragraph breaks added.)
Sometimes space and time is the cure, but all it is, is Support, Passion, Love and Belief.

Post edited by Connor on
Azziman

Comments

  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,814 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    edited March 2020
    Aw Maddie i have missed you <3. That was really tense to read :'( im so sorry youre struggling this much. 💔 
    i have been wondering how youre doing and was hoping you was okay and didn't need the support but  I'm sorry things are so bad right now. Dont deserve it at all <3 I'm glad you're still here

    have you only just been sectioned now and in hospital again or have you been there for awhile?

    i really empathise how horrible it is to be restrant like that and to be somewhere you dont want to be is never nice at all. What section number are you on? 

    I feel helpless but please know we are here to listen whenever and you can pm me if dont wanna share here and id listen <3 please remember youre cared and loved for and youre doing so well for how low youre feeling, its really really horrible to feel that low, take one day  at a time <3 stay strong xxx
    maddie050
  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 3,590 Community Veteran
    heey @maddie050 missed you! I sorry I couldn't read all your message, It kinda triggered some thoughts so I stopped, but hope you're as well as can be, and im sure I speak for all of us when I say welcome back! <3
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
    maddie050
  • maddie050maddie050 Posts: 47 Boards Initiate
    Hey @Shaunie I’m sorry if I made you feel upset.ive missed you too. And I was sectioned about 4-5 weeks ago. I’m on a section 2, but they might change it to a 3 soon. I don’t want to be here. I’m writing this now, and the alarms are going’s off for my ward, it’s triggering me as it’s outside my door. And I forgot how to pm, hopefully I’ll figure it out soon again. You stay strong too! <3 

    I’m so sorry @BubblesGoesBoo, I didn’t mean to make it triggering, I’m very sorry. I just want you to understand my situation a little. And thank you so much for the welcome back, means a lot. <3
    Sometimes space and time is the cure, but all it is, is Support, Passion, Love and Belief.

  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,814 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    No dw about me i get triggered by hospital talk cause i know how horrible it is but you say whatever you want <3

    have you been let out on escrote leave yet?    If not that could be something to work up to. Or do they have a plan on how to move forward ? I hope it get easier x
    maddie050
  • maddie050maddie050 Posts: 47 Boards Initiate
    Oh, okay. Well, I’m sorry you get triggered, but I’m glad you understand.

    And there’s nothing called that here, but they say therapy leave is when you go out with a member of staff, and I’m going on that today for the first time! But I have to have 2 staff, because I’m a bigger risk. And if I try to run, there’s more people to stop me, but I think I’ll get away. I don’t know if I’ll run from them. I might have a really bad and uncontrollable urge.... so I don’t know. But hopefully everything goes well and I don’t run.

    <3
    Sometimes space and time is the cure, but all it is, is Support, Passion, Love and Belief.

  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,814 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    I really hope you dont run. It really wont be worth it. The most chance if they will catch you and if they dont they will send police out striaght awya and will be back there but with a more chance of staying at hospital for longer.  I ran one i got to go on leave and the police took me back so it wasnt worth it at all. It would be really nice to go out without having to plan a way to escpae too and might enjoy it more. And it can be horrible when youre walking back and you see the door - thats when it does get tempting to run. But please try to ignore the urge <3 its good youre going on leave tho. It means theyre starting to trust you more
    maddie050
  • maddie050maddie050 Posts: 47 Boards Initiate
    I made it back in one piece! We didn’t go on a walk, I think they wanted me to eat (since I haven’t eaten much, I only eat like one toast a day - which is for breakfast, and if I don’t have anything I don’t get my device) they took me to McDonald’s, I didn’t have to get out the vehicle, only when we got back. But as soon as I was in the vehicle I struggled to breathe. But I did it in the end. I’m going on therapy leave again next week. And when you ran, how long did it take for the police to find you? - if you don’t mind me asking. And I think it was because I complained, as someone who came less than a week ago, who had no incidents got leave straightaway, normal leave, so she could go with her family. But the point was, I went longer than a week incident free and i got nothing for that, they just punished me by taking all my things as soon as I couldnt hold it anymore. I said to them that we aren’t going to get anywhere if they aren’t letting me go on therapy leave, and it’s won’t fix the physical urges I have to run off. I ran from everyone. I ran from school, home, foster home... i can’t help the urge. It hurts too. When I run and get away, that feeling goes. Thank you Shaunie for telling me that stuff. It seems as If you’ve been through a lot too, I’m glad you understand my situation. <3
    Sometimes space and time is the cure, but all it is, is Support, Passion, Love and Belief.

  • MikeMike 🎧 LandaanPosts: 3,756 Community Manager
    So good to have you back around on the community @maddie050. :)

    In case you didn't catch it (I imagine you had bigger things on your mind at the time!), you actually won Post of The Month back in October: https://community.themix.org.uk/discussion/3595517/post-of-the-month-october You should see a new badge on your profile for it.

    It sounds like you've had a pretty intense ride recently (understatement?), and being sectioned can be a trauma in its own right so I can't imagine how you're feeling right now. It's really good that you found us again though and, as I said, awesome to have you back around. Keep us posted on how you're doing and feel free to make a dedicated thread for yourself over in Health & Wellbeing.

    Nice avatar, by the way. :)
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.

    Want to join the community champions? Drop @TheMix a message!
  • maddie050maddie050 Posts: 47 Boards Initiate
    Thank you Mike so much for your kind words. And I didn’t realise! Thank you! <3 
    And yeah, it’s a big ride, very long. And I’ve recently been diagnosed with BPD. And i’m Going on therapy leave again on Monday, hopefully this time I can go outta the vehicle. And I will, thank you.

    And thanks! I do enjoy anime. <3 take care.
    Sometimes space and time is the cure, but all it is, is Support, Passion, Love and Belief.

  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,814 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Im so proud of you <3  im so glad they have found a diagnosis and planning to start to support you in better ways xx
  • maddie050maddie050 Posts: 47 Boards Initiate
    Thanks @Shaunie. And my planned discharge is 31st of March, but I don’t feel any better, I still want to die, and I will do it when I get the opportunity... I’m scared for that too though. But that also does mean that they’re putting me on a section 3, as my section 2 runs out on the 16th of March. I hope you are getting better though. You’re more important to me, everyone is. 

    I have to put everyone before me. xxx  <3:3

    take care.  :p<3
    Sometimes space and time is the cure, but all it is, is Support, Passion, Love and Belief.

    Shaunie
  • AzzimanAzziman The Mix convert Posts: 1,162 Wise Owl
    Welcome back! <3
    maddie050
  • maddie050maddie050 Posts: 47 Boards Initiate
    Azzi! How you been? Thanks for the welcome back @Azziman. Have you had a good day...? <3 And i’m Sorry if I’m acting like I’ve known you for years - I definitely haven’t, but I do remember you. <3
    Sometimes space and time is the cure, but all it is, is Support, Passion, Love and Belief.

    Azziman
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