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_John_John Posts: 58 Boards Initiate
I thought I posted on introduction page about myself since I've put a lot of effort and thinking into it.

I knew it won't pop up anyway so please disregard this discussion. Delete this if you wish.

I'm going to end my life next year if I'm not improving, one way or the other. Oh, and don't bother me as it won't help much.

Many Thanks.

"Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
Jade09PoppyBSophie11035

Comments

  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,330 Part of The Furniture
    Hey @_John

    Welcome to The Mix,

    We are here for you, do you want to talk about things? Sometimes talking things through can help :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 3,530 Community Veteran
    Hey John,
    Sorry you feel this way, have you spoken to anyone about this/ getting help?
    We're here for you if you want to talk <3
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 2,207 Moderator
    You've taken a really positive step reaching out here for support @_John. You're so brave :) 

    Just to echo what everyone else has said, we're all here to listen when you feel ready to share a bit more about what's been going on for you. We are an amazing community here and will always be here to listen anytime. You don't have to go through this alone :) 

    If these thoughts about ending your life ever feel too much, there's lots of organisations you can reach out to for a bit more support. I've listed a few below:

    • Crisis Messenger are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text 'THEMIX' to 85258 and talk to them about anything. 
    • Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123. 
    • Papyrus has a helpline that is open 9am – 10pm weekdays and 2pm – 10pm on weekends. You can call them on 0800 068 4141. 
    • If you have any concerns about your health or safety, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E.  

    Keep fighting John <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • _John_John Posts: 58 Boards Initiate
    You didn't get my message do you? I said not to reply, how hard is it for you to understand?

    So do yourselves a favour, please leave me alone. Now go and find someone else who needs in dire help and active in the community, you're making me detrimental even more.

    Damn, I shouldn't have posted this shit on the first place. The fact that I used this website few weeks ago just for 1-2-1 using webchat.




    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,944 Supreme Poster
    edited November 2019
    Welcome to the site. 

    What support was you seeking for when you posted this? I believe you posted for a reason. We are here. Let us know how we can support yo
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
    Lucy307
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 786 Part of The Mix Family
    We’re here for you if you change your mind John 💜
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • _John_John Posts: 58 Boards Initiate
    First of all, I just want to put this straight away. I'm truly sorry for the things I've posted in this past discussion.

    The reason is that I typed sentences like; "I said not to reply, how hard is it for you to understand?" and "So do yourselves a favour, please leave me alone." sounded a bit hostile and it left me thinking that it could offend anyone and deeply concerned on me who already read it.

    The fact that I'm writing this, is that I wanted you to know that I'm still coping with mental health (Depression, Loneliness and Anxiety) for the last 3 years. Feeling seriously dejected from other people and being always reluctant of seeking emotional support, as I'm trying to handle it myself by doing things I enjoy alone, but the way how I managed my problems was literally excruciating (You don't want to know).

    Furthermore, if I get myself into my new employment especially as I'm about to work in a care home (In the meantime until I have found my chosen apprenticeship), I have no other options but to reach out for support now than ever. Otherwise, if I was still dwelling on my thoughts today or later on, it would be absolutely selfish and it can have a really detrimental impact once I'm in a working environment. Honestly, I literally can't rely on with my suicidal emotions over in the next few months. I need to completely step up and making a commitment that is life-changing as I am approaching 20 next year.

    To summarise, I just to make a sincere apology when I first posted this and trying to open up more. Maybe my life will run smoother than the past and more consistently, as long as my extinct tells me that I just need to get used to it.

    I deeply appreciated for reading this as I'm struggling to socialise, I used to be filled with joy when I get myself into chatting and interacting other users online in livestreams as one of my main hobbies. Now I'm going to do it again but this time, trying to expose myself more right here in this community as a demanding opportunity. Although I don't have any friends to talk to in real life, I will always end up meeting people that I don't like because it's really inconsistent for me at times.


    It's time for me to change.



    If you have some sympathy in any way, Thank you. Seriously. <3


    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
    Salix_alba_2019Butterfly23chubbydumplingJade09Lucy307Aife
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,330 Part of The Furniture
    Hey John, :heart:

    We are here for you, how are you doing? :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
    _John
  • ClaraOswaldClaraOswald TardisPosts: 144 Boards Initiate
    If you dont want any help, I want you to know I've heard you x Ive read all your posts of this discussion and sometimes I dont want help too. Sometimes someone asking if im ok only makes it worse because i have to lie and say im fine. So yeah, that may not be your reason but i get where your coming from ❤️
    My feelings are bigger on the inside. People get me wrong.
     "Sometimes the only choices you have are wrong ones but you still have to choose"-Peter Capaldi, 12th Doctor  ❤️

    _John
  • _John_John Posts: 58 Boards Initiate
    edited November 2019
    If you dont want any help, I want you to know I've heard you x Ive read all your posts of this discussion and sometimes I dont want help too. Sometimes someone asking if im ok only makes it worse because i have to lie and say im fine. So yeah, that may not be your reason but i get where your coming from ❤️
    Yep, that's literally I'm feeling every time @ClaraOswald .

    The only way I could deal with this is to try and staying away from this community as if I kept reading other posts that made me feel taken away from society and seeking support through helpline doesn't help either.

    Most of the time, people say " We're here for you <3 " and not actually being there. I can understand that this is a small charity and you wouldn't expect support from the boards 24/7.

    I guess getting myself into distractions is the one of the ways that I could do.

    Thanks for making this type of comment, lying to yourself about mental health is really difficult to handle. I had that feeling and the fact that even though I've told the truth honestly, it's still not enough for me. 
    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
    ClaraOswald
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 786 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey John, 

    Thanks for sharing a bit more, there's no judgement here so if you'd like to hang around and share some more, please do. As a community, we look after each other and are there for each other here. 

    I'm sorry to hear you have been struggling for the past 3 years and that you've been reluctant to get support - but there are a lot of us here who have struggled through mental health issues too so hopefully can support you (if you want us to). How are you feeling about starting your new job?

    You mentioned you used to be full of joy when you interacted with people, is there anything in particular you enjoyed about it or was it just having somebody to talk to? 

    Take care
    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
    _John
  • _John_John Posts: 58 Boards Initiate
    edited November 2019
    I might as well respond to your comments and here are the replies:

    @*BananaMonkey* - Yeah I'm fine for now, thanks for asking. Just listening to some podcasts with my favourite casters so I can have a grin on my face.

    @Lucy307 - Looking forward to my new job and have mixed feelings. Although working in a care home isn't for me, I just need to ditch my 4 year job asap. Also, engaging other people is very inconsistent for me. That thing is from the past now and I'm not used to interact anymore. I've got nowhere to talk to and I have to rely on myself for now.

    I don't know if I'm going to feel better typing this, but here's what you hoped for.



    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
  • GemmaGemma Posts: 103 Moderator
    Hi John

    Glad you're feeling better and have a smile on your face from listening to podcasts. Listening to music or podcasts that make you feel better can be a great help and distraction. I'm also sorry to hear you've been struggling for so long, but I'm glad you're still here and continuing to post with us. 

    How long have you been at your new job? You are always welcome to talk here for as long as you want, everyone is here to support you however they can. 
    _John
  • _John_John Posts: 58 Boards Initiate
    Gemma said:
    Hi John

    Glad you're feeling better and have a smile on your face from listening to podcasts. Listening to music or podcasts that make you feel better can be a great help and distraction. I'm also sorry to hear you've been struggling for so long, but I'm glad you're still here and continuing to post with us. 

    How long have you been at your new job? You are always welcome to talk here for as long as you want, everyone is here to support you however they can. 

    I don't know what you meant by that because I haven't started my new job yet, but thanks for the comment anyway. I don't think everyone is going to support me on any given time. I tend to rely on myself but would love to be more open in the community and help others since I felt like I've got an anxiety.

    I guess I won't change as much at the moment.

    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
  • StephanieStephanie Posts: 704 Super Moderator
    Hey @_John

    How are you doing? 

    When do you start your new job? How you feeling about it?

                                   "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light" 

    - Albus Dumbledore 

    "Like when I was down you just had that smile that made me feel like everything's worthwhile. Thinking of the day when you went away, what a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you"

    _John
  • _John_John Posts: 58 Boards Initiate
    Stephanie said:
    Hey @_John

    How are you doing? 

    When do you start your new job? How you feeling about it?


    Hey @Stephanie

    Feeling fine. I might have met you before in group chat before, but thanks for the comment anyway.

    There is no given dates on my induction yet, so I have to wait for my new DBS to arrive.

    I don't think I have any feelings at the moment towards my new job.
    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
  • Jade09Jade09 EnglandPosts: 571 Moderator
    Hey John!

    Just wanted to pop in an ask how things are going?  <3
  • StephanieStephanie Posts: 704 Super Moderator
    _John said:
    Stephanie said:
    Hey @_John

    How are you doing? 

    When do you start your new job? How you feeling about it?


    Hey @Stephanie

    Feeling fine. I might have met you before in group chat before, but thanks for the comment anyway.

    There is no given dates on my induction yet, so I have to wait for my new DBS to arrive.

    I don't think I have any feelings at the moment towards my new job.
    Good to hear you are feeling fine, yeah I am a general chat moderator so you may have seen me in chat before :smile:

    Hopefully it's not too long to wait for your DBS check and things, They don't usually take that long now as it's all done online. 

    Hope your new job goes well for you, we are here for you :heart:
                                   "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light" 

    - Albus Dumbledore 

    "Like when I was down you just had that smile that made me feel like everything's worthwhile. Thinking of the day when you went away, what a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you"

  • _John_John Posts: 58 Boards Initiate
    For people who want to know how I'm doing recently:


    There was once I got an email yesterday from the recruitment team, where they need my consent in order to complete my chosen reference, and there's this message saying "If we don't get this reference back today, we will have to cancel your induction that you're due on Monday...".

    The fact I've just literally completed it, the fact I realised that the reference that I chose, didn't get any response at all. Therefore, my induction that was supposed to be due on Monday was cancelled today. I would've emailed my teacher from last year, letting her know that I'm going to use her as my reference, but my anxiety is really stopping me and it pisses me off so much.

    You see, I'm supposed to be fine with this kind of situation. Even though I need to move onto my new job because I needed more money so I can buy myself a car and then hopefully and getting myself into apprenticeship. The fact that it triggered me so much, that I always think suicide is still an option and my feelings had always been like this.

    But, I know I posted a comment on this thread about making a change next year and trying to break down things, one at a time and hopefully trying to be more positive about life. It seems that I've been trying to get there. Maybe my personal well-being is the main problem since I've been lonely most of my teen/adult life and I've spent most of the time at home doing some entertainment apart from completing an online course.

    I definitely hate posting this shit, but people want to know right?


    That's all for now, I'll try and keep you updated.

    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
  • _John_John Posts: 58 Boards Initiate
    edited December 2019
    Didn't realised it's Friday 13th today. Damn, maybe I'm a bit unlucky today. :s
    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 786 Part of The Mix Family
    Hi @_John good to hear from you.

    Feels quite harsh to cancel your induction with such a tight deadline for a reference. Have you managed to get it done now, and have they rescheduled the induction? 

    It's ok that you're not 'fine' with this situation, as I said above it does feel harsh and a bit unfair to put pressure on you to complete something on the same day or risk induction being cancelled. I'd be feeling really anxious if I were put in that situation I think. You said you always think suicide is still an option - is that a feeling you get after being triggered like this, or more often?

    Step by step change is a really good plan because it's not overwhelming and it's definitely good to celebrate all the little achievements along the way. It's not easy, but keep going. 
     
    Take care
    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
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