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A year on. (TW: SH/Purge mention)
hnh_x
Posts: 10 Settling in
Hey,
So it's been a year since I was last here! Wow. My life has really changed.
When I last used the health and wellbeing forum, I was at the worst point of my life (and looking back, I don't think I even knew it. I don't remember writing the posts I wrote). Shortly after my initial posts, I was diagnosed with moderate depression and pretty high anxiety levels. My life started to take a real turn. I was scooped up by my sixth form pretty quickly and got put on the list for Mind talking therapy.
But things still weren't great.
This is only a recent realisation thanks to the therapy I've been receiving, I was still really damaging my body. With my anxiety came the urge to purge and things were really not good.
Fast forward to my 18th birthday. It was around this time that I began taking antidepressants. These have helped hugely with regards to my mood. I'm so much better than what I used to be. I feel things, I have hobbies again and I'm a lot more functional as a person. Recently (this week in fact), I began working again and remaining pretty stable, which was a massive step for me because work was originally what triggered my big mental crash.
However. I'm still struggling a lot with the urge. It's a lot less frequent now but it feels almost like a panic attack and it's something I have to do to go about my day. How can I get this to stop? How can I gain better control over my anxiety? It's pretty wacky because I love my job and I enjoy it whilst I'm actually there, but whenever I'm away from it, I feel the anxiety start to seep back in. I feel it's also important to note that I don't conventionally self-harm or anything like that and I never have. This is purely like.. a strong urge.
My manager doesn't know yet, but I intend on telling him when I have the chance as it's something I feel that is incredibly important to be transparent about. I am still in my Mind talking therapy until September this year, so my therapist helps a lot with the emotional baggage but my thought process is still relatively the same. Also, important to note, I can't start any anti-anxiety medication until I get a new doctor (there is a conflict of interest where I work) and so I'm looking for "home remedies" or things that do not involve medication/appointments right now. If anybody has any then please let me know. I'm finding it very hard to deal with this particular aspect of my mental health because it just makes me feel so gross and it ruins my entire morning because instead of emotionally preparing, it's like I have to constantly fight the urge.
I hope this wasn't too tragic, I am safe and my therapist and parents know about this. I'm just looking for coping mechanisms really (general anxiety ones would be super beneficial too pls..)
Thank you, have a lovely day
It's v good to be back.
So it's been a year since I was last here! Wow. My life has really changed.
When I last used the health and wellbeing forum, I was at the worst point of my life (and looking back, I don't think I even knew it. I don't remember writing the posts I wrote). Shortly after my initial posts, I was diagnosed with moderate depression and pretty high anxiety levels. My life started to take a real turn. I was scooped up by my sixth form pretty quickly and got put on the list for Mind talking therapy.
But things still weren't great.
This is only a recent realisation thanks to the therapy I've been receiving, I was still really damaging my body. With my anxiety came the urge to purge and things were really not good.
Fast forward to my 18th birthday. It was around this time that I began taking antidepressants. These have helped hugely with regards to my mood. I'm so much better than what I used to be. I feel things, I have hobbies again and I'm a lot more functional as a person. Recently (this week in fact), I began working again and remaining pretty stable, which was a massive step for me because work was originally what triggered my big mental crash.
However. I'm still struggling a lot with the urge. It's a lot less frequent now but it feels almost like a panic attack and it's something I have to do to go about my day. How can I get this to stop? How can I gain better control over my anxiety? It's pretty wacky because I love my job and I enjoy it whilst I'm actually there, but whenever I'm away from it, I feel the anxiety start to seep back in. I feel it's also important to note that I don't conventionally self-harm or anything like that and I never have. This is purely like.. a strong urge.
My manager doesn't know yet, but I intend on telling him when I have the chance as it's something I feel that is incredibly important to be transparent about. I am still in my Mind talking therapy until September this year, so my therapist helps a lot with the emotional baggage but my thought process is still relatively the same. Also, important to note, I can't start any anti-anxiety medication until I get a new doctor (there is a conflict of interest where I work) and so I'm looking for "home remedies" or things that do not involve medication/appointments right now. If anybody has any then please let me know. I'm finding it very hard to deal with this particular aspect of my mental health because it just makes me feel so gross and it ruins my entire morning because instead of emotionally preparing, it's like I have to constantly fight the urge.
I hope this wasn't too tragic, I am safe and my therapist and parents know about this. I'm just looking for coping mechanisms really (general anxiety ones would be super beneficial too pls..)
Thank you, have a lovely day
It's v good to be back.
1
Comments
Welcome back, and well done on how far you have come in a year. You took a massive step and done so well with it, don;t let that feeling of success in recovery get you down on a bad day. Having moderate depression and pretty high anxiety can be such a hard thing to face, I want to you to know your an inspiration to people going through the same, you could have given up the day you was told but look at you know a year on, fighting and I can sense your proud of yourself as well.
As you know having anxiety and depression isn't something you can get rid of in a day or a week or in this case a year, each day will be a constant battle some days the battle will be easier than others. The panic attack feeling you get, is there anything you do to control them when they come? A lot of people have what are called sensory boxes also know my many other names self care box, it's basically a place where everything that helps calm you down is there in the 1 place. You mentioned work, that can sometimes trigger anxiety so some people keep a bag inside there bag with things in such as hair bubbles, bracelet, tangle toys, stress balls. Personally I try not to leave the house without something called Bach Reduce Remedy. It's really helpful to give you something you can focus on when anxiety comes and no one has to know you have it in your bag as you take a couple of sprays when you go on your break or get anxious and go on without anyone knowing any different.
If you need any help with how to talk to your manager at work or anything like that someone will always be here for you. There is also a place called childline who can help as well as online counselling at kooth as well as the team here at the mix are here to support you if you need someone to talk to.
Well done again.
Speak soon
Abi.
thank you for sharing and being open about things on here. Can really hear you was in a painful place and still finding it a real challenge. I want to highlight how great youre doing and how much youre trying, being self aware is also great and going back into your job when it was something that has been challenging takes so much courage and im so glad you can take pride and recongise this too. You sound like a really inspiring strong person.
Sometimes i feel the first place to start in resisting your urges is to think about what triggers them and things you like doing to distraction or realise when things are getting bad again - increase its from a build up of emotions.
Have you ever thought about making a Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) They can be quite big and all sorts of different types and dont have to so in one day but its useful to think about the questions and is all about hope, responsbilty, becoming more self aware and thinking about sort of support you want in that moment. Mine mostly includes ; things i do to stay well, triggers, what i notice when i become unwell, crisis plan and support.
It is also something you can give to someone else so they can see and support better if youd find that helpful.
https://mentalhealthrecovery.com/wrap-is/
Obvsiously dont have to but its an option
Some things that are on my WRAP to help urges are things like breathing exercises, body scan , mindfulness - 5 things can see, 4 things can touch, 3 things can hear, 2 things can touch & 1 thing can taste(or one deep breath). Its a good distraction and helps to be mindful of environment to calm down. And also got my self care/distraction box & ive got that its just helpful to speak to someone before doing anything
Great to see your deterimination to challenge all this.
I believe in you<3
take lots of care
@Abigail Thank you so much for the detailed reply. It means the world to me and I feel so humbled that you think of me as an inspiration, that's something I never thought I'd be seen as with regards to my mental health. I do already have Bach Rescue Remedy but I find it doesn't do much for me, do you know of other herbal brands or forms that it comes in perhaps? The self-care box is an amazing idea, I'm going to set myself to creating one this weekend. I love to take baths so maybe I'll make a box for home filled with posh bath bombs and stuff. The bag is also a great idea. I have a stress ball but it's too big to really take anywhere so I'll invest in a smaller one for my bag
@Shaunie I had absolutely no idea about that website! I'm definitely going to check it out over the weekend, it might be something I can complete with my therapist and my parents to make sure they're all aware of the action plan. Thank you for the mindfulness tips too, I'm so bad at remembering them.
I don't really know of many herbal brands I've only ever used Bach and heard of them, if you take a look at websites such as boots, superdrug and holland and barrett they might have some stuff in but I am not to sure, all I can say is buy from place that are secure if you can go into store even better.
Taking a bath after a hard day sounds like something really good and it will help relax you as well - radox (seems like an old persons thing but it works really well to help you relax, I love there bath salts personally), lush as well have some really good products for relaxing, even home home bargain do cheap things there not as good but they can help.
The pencil case idea its like an emergency self care bag, so pens, paper, tangles, stress ball, I keep a ping pong ball in mine personally but its there for when you need it and no one has to know you have it, but take your time with it, you'll find things that work and things that wont and that's okay, not everything works for everyone. Keep talking to us here, we are here to help you.
Speak soon
Abi
wanted to check how youre doing since you last posted? @hnh_x Hope youre okay & finding out things that could help you!