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The 'I need a hug' thread - please read first post before posting :)

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Comments

  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 2,153 Moderator
    Good luck today @Shaunie. You can do this <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
    ShaunieLaineKathleen07
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Carer/Craft Lover Posts: 2,361 Mega Poster
    3 years ago today was the last time I spoke to Nana and got a response :( 
    “ I believe that you have the power to achieve whatever you put your mind too, You are living a life’s most people won’t  ever understand but that’s what will Be the root of all your determination and success. You have a soul full of love and kindness and I just know that despite all the hardship, a life’s of happiness awaits you and I’m very proud of you, just keep holding on” 
    ShaunieLaineItaliaKathleen07
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,753 The Mix Elder
    Thankyou Aife

    On break and omggg most stressful thing ever done. So many people
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    LaineAifeKathleen07
  • ItaliaItalia Posts: 106 Staff Moderator
    Shaunie said:
    Omggggg im sooo scared for interview 😭😭😭😭😭😭feels important but trying not to stress myself so much but never been to a group interview. After this interview is you either dont get it or you get it & start the dbs checks stuff & training. & if dont get it then they dont even do the training often....years inbetween- to try again anytime soon😭
    but it is what it is i guess & just have to try 🙃
    Good Luck @Shaunie.  You will do great, just be your wonderful self. <3
    "Owning your story is the bravest thing you will ever do" - Brene Brown
    LaineShaunieAifeKathleen07
  • Kasa2103Kasa2103 Ugly Snake South EastPosts: 2,285 Mega Poster
    I feel so stupid. For the past 2 nights I have cried myself to sleep. I have never felt that low at night even when my uncle died just under 3 years ago. Who else cries themselves to sleep? Even when I was watching YouTube on the TV and cuddling my teddy bears I was still crying until I got to sleep. :( I need a hug. I hope that I won't have a 3rd night of crying and rubbish sleep.
    I have endured pain and loss. I have felt broken. I have known hardship, and I have felt lost and alone.

    But here I stand, trying to move forward, one day at a time. I will remember the lessons in my life because they are making me who I am. Stronger.

    A warrior. 
    Kathleen07AifeLaine
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,753 The Mix Elder
    :(( thanks but think am failing it lol. Did presentation was awful ahaha. Omgg. So much questions and group work proper stressful and veryyyyyyyy hard

    just want it over and to go home now aha 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    AifeKathleen07Laine
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Carer/Craft Lover Posts: 2,361 Mega Poster
    Shaunie said:
    :(( thanks but think am failing it lol. Did presentation was awful ahaha. Omgg. So much questions and group work proper stressful and veryyyyyyyy hard

    just want it over and to go home now aha 
    Your doing amazing @shaunie we’re all so proud especially for doing the presentation ❤️
    “ I believe that you have the power to achieve whatever you put your mind too, You are living a life’s most people won’t  ever understand but that’s what will Be the root of all your determination and success. You have a soul full of love and kindness and I just know that despite all the hardship, a life’s of happiness awaits you and I’m very proud of you, just keep holding on” 
    AifeKathleen07ShaunieLaine
  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 2,153 Moderator
    edited April 16
    Shaunie said:
    :(( thanks but think am failing it lol. Did presentation was awful ahaha. Omgg. So much questions and group work proper stressful and veryyyyyyyy hard

    just want it over and to go home now aha 
    You're doing really well Shaunie. We're all really proud of you :) 
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
    Kathleen07ShaunieLaine
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,790 Postholic
    Kasa2103 said:
    I feel so stupid. For the past 2 nights I have cried myself to sleep. I have never felt that low at night even when my uncle died just under 3 years ago. Who else cries themselves to sleep? Even when I was watching YouTube on the TV and cuddling my teddy bears I was still crying until I got to sleep. :( I need a hug. I hope that I won't have a 3rd night of crying and rubbish sleep.
    Hugs @Kasa2103 <3
  • Kasa2103Kasa2103 Ugly Snake South EastPosts: 2,285 Mega Poster
    Kasa2103 said:
    I feel so stupid. For the past 2 nights I have cried myself to sleep. I have never felt that low at night even when my uncle died just under 3 years ago. Who else cries themselves to sleep? Even when I was watching YouTube on the TV and cuddling my teddy bears I was still crying until I got to sleep. :( I need a hug. I hope that I won't have a 3rd night of crying and rubbish sleep.
    Hugs @Kasa2103 <3
    Thanks so much. ❤
    I have endured pain and loss. I have felt broken. I have known hardship, and I have felt lost and alone.

    But here I stand, trying to move forward, one day at a time. I will remember the lessons in my life because they are making me who I am. Stronger.

    A warrior. 
    Kathleen07
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,790 Postholic
    My mom's really working me up and upsetting me:(

    Basically, she went to the town her cheating boyfriend thingy lives in, even though it was really risky for many reasons, to tell him that she's unblocked his number. Here's our conversation, since she told me about this. I'm calling her boyfriend "John", and have edited out some names and stuff, just for privacy. ***Trigger warning
    Me:
    Yeah I thought you may have. I seem to always know what's happening.

    Fuck's sake. Look...

    It is your relationship and your life. And I can't make you do or not do anything. You're still free to live your life however you want. But what I can tell you is that this whole thing is impacting me. It makes me feel very stressed and angry and disgusted and sometimes hurt. Not really to guilt trip you, but I especially don't need this right now.

    Secondly, in my eyes (in my dad's eyes. In my sibling's eyes. My gran's eyes. Everyone's eyes as far as I'm concerned), this is the definition of unhealthy. I've been watching some short films about domestic violence (out of interest and boredom), and to be completely honest, the characters remind me of you and him. The "abuser" is very unpredictable, demanding, either messed up or using the "victim" for selfish reasons. And the "victim", no matter how much they're hurt or how much their kids are hurt, always refuses to leave because "[their partner] loves me, I love them, you don't understand, [etc]".

    You and John are built off of your own fucked up heads (if you want me to be totally blunt). What I see is a heartless man who uses people and behaves abusively, and a woman who needs to obsess over someone, needs to not feel empty, and needs emotion - kind of like you use him as a drug and he uses you as his door matt. And what you both have in common is the need for and nature of rollercoasters and emotion. It's not "love" (NO MATTER how many times you want to insist that you love him), and it's certainly not a healthy relationship. Like I say, it is your choice. But if nothing else, this is affecting me. And if you just don't understand any of it, I kind of pity you.

    I'd way rather you "weren't useful", then were with John. WAY rather.

    Though I'm sorry [his neighbour] was a bitch to you (and that he was). John's a loser and I just wish you'd come to terms with that.

    Her: I know he's an abuser. And I know I need that roller-coaster of emotion. I'm not blind to any of that.

    But my point is that, when he's in my life, I can function. I can come to yours, I can just about hold my shit together, I can just about be some sort of mother even if not a great one. But, when he's not, I fall apart - I become a wreck who can't even get out of the house and is no use to anyone.

    It may not be great. It may not be healthy. And I may well be fucked up. But things are what they are. And, given that, the reality is that I am better and saner and more able to function when he is in my life than when he isn't.

    Me: No, you've got the total wrong end of the stick. You don't need him; I think you need to get to the bottom of your issues and work them out. Again, it's like a drug. And you don't need the drug, you need to go to rehab and work out what it is that made you use the drug in the first place.

    Her: Thanks.

    What I am trying to say is don't think I'm NOT thinking of you in this, because I AM. I may not be thinking how you want me to or think I should, but I *am* thinking of you. I want to stay afloat for you and your sibling. I don't want to become a mental wreck or lapse into alcoholism again or or or. I want and need to keep going for you and your sibling. And, like it or not, John enables me to do that. Yes, that may be because I am fucked up, but I have already come as far as I can in changing that. I know myself and I know what I need. And, yes, what I need may not be healthy, but it still *is* what I need.

    Me: Honestly - completely seriously - if you want to help me and my sibling out, work your issues out and don't get back together with John. Getting together with John will make everything just worse. If you do get back together with him, know that it IS purely for selfish reasons (again not guilt tripping) - because it's absolutely not the best for us.

    Her: I don't agree. I have already worked through my issues - I did that several years ago. I went from a place of total self-loathing, to a place of self-love and self-acceptance. I *like* who I am. Fucked up or not, I *like* it and am happy with it. I am the person I want to be. I don't *want* to change. I don't *want* to embrace the culture of boundaries and putting self first and etc. I like *my* beliefs and philosophies etc. They may be unhealthy, but I *like* them. I spent so so many years not liking myself or accepting myself and believing I was damaged and needed to change etc. During those years I was bloody *miserable*. I only really started to feel like a human-being whose life was worth living when I started to accept and like who I *am* instead of thinking I ought to try and bend myself into the shape other people and society in general thought I should have.

    Where you want me to go is, in my opinion, backwards, back to an earlier stage of life where I was very unhappy. Where I am now is somewhere that took me a lot of time and effort and hard work to get to. And it's where I *want* to be. I don't want to go back to viewing myself and my beliefs and attitudes and feelings as screwed up and trying to change them. That was NOT a good place for me.

    Everyone has to take their own journey and work out for themselves what is the best version of life and self *for them*. And who I am and how I live now *is* the best version of life possible FOR ME, even if it's "objectively" not good

    Getting back together with John doesn't look likely to be an option anyway. Though I firmly believe it *is* the best option for everyone.

    To be completely honest, the selfish option is suicide. That is my preference. That is what I would do if I didn't have to think of you and your sibling.

    Then, after that, is alcoholism. Which would NOT be good for you or your sibling either.

    Try to understand that I the damage I have suffered in my life is NOT completely fixable or reversable. I have already come as far as I can with fixing it. I really have.

    What has to be done now is *damage limitation*. I have to look at, given how damaged I am (fact), what is the LEAST harmful way forward.

    Options seem to be: 1. suicide, 2/ alcoholism, or 3/ Steve (or someone like him).

    I know myself and my limitations and I know that these ARE the only options for me. And I very firmly believe that John-or-someone-like-him is far and away the LEAST damaging of the options available to me.

    Me: I've tried to tell you. I've tried to make you understand. You don't. It is definitely your life, and I haven't denied that. But it's a stupid way to live.

    I feel John has just damaged our relationship. And will do so more if you do get back together with him. The whole thing upsets me and I don't want to be a part of it. I don't want to be touched by someone who's had their hands all over a bastard. I don't want to talk to someone who is hyper and happy because they've been with their "drug". I don't want to even think of you together because it makes me really worked up. And I'll warn you again, that it's not just about me, this "relationship" is unhealthy.

    I think honestly, maybe you should make use of your counsellor and tell her about this. I know you won't.


    Millie2787AifeKasa2103LaineShaunie
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,790 Postholic
    I am actually kind of worried that she is going to start drinking again - it's something I've been slightly suspecting tbh. And as I briefly mentioned, for some reason my guesses always seem to be right lol. Not saying she will, but it's a bit of a worry of mine. Regardless, my mom is either having a breakdown or is getting back together with that asshole, both of which is even more pressure for me.

    On a (kind of) separate note, I just can't do this anymore:(( I really don't know how. I'm in so much pain. It feels too much. It really hurts.
    Kasa2103Laine
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,790 Postholic
    I'm sorry. I need to get off of here before I start attacking people or threatening suicide or something lol. I'm really distressed. I honestly feel at breaking point at the moment.
    Millie2787Kasa2103LaineShaunie
  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 2,153 Moderator
    edited April 16
    Hey @kathleen0172 I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. I just wanted to send you a hug and let you know we're here anytime you want to talk <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
    LaineKathleen07
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Carer/Craft Lover Posts: 2,361 Mega Poster
    Why dosent anyone believe me I know someone watching me I know they are :( 
    “ I believe that you have the power to achieve whatever you put your mind too, You are living a life’s most people won’t  ever understand but that’s what will Be the root of all your determination and success. You have a soul full of love and kindness and I just know that despite all the hardship, a life’s of happiness awaits you and I’m very proud of you, just keep holding on” 
    LaineKasa2103Shaunie
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,753 The Mix Elder
    :(. Why am i getting into habit of waking up exactlyyyy at 3:55am  So weird lol.

    Just woke up with bad thoughts that the peer support work training will say im not in my own recovery juorney mentally to help others:((((((. But i mean my care co ordinator was my refrence & always told her how suicidal i get but then i guess for a refrence they only ask things that give positive answers. Idk. But after the interview they said at the end if that was the case theyd be very honest about it but can work on your own recovery while doing the corse so guess can still do it - i hope - so dk why am thinking you cant://///. But i will just say i feel fine when asked any questions about my own mental health. 

    I mean they do say how finding meaning, purpose and hope is so important for recovery jounery and being a peer support worker would give me a lot more hope & is a veryy meaningful job
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Millie2787LaineKathleen07
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,753 The Mix Elder
    edited April 17
    Omgg im so excited. Got email saying the ID i need to bring for my enhanced DBS check for tomrrow. 

    But ive totally forgotten i need to make a wellness plan for myself omggggg

    anyone made a wellness plan before???

    edit. Shittt the email was sent yesterday so tomorrow is today:///
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Millie2787Kasa2103LaineKathleen07
  • Kasa2103Kasa2103 Ugly Snake South EastPosts: 2,285 Mega Poster
    @Shaunie I have never made one but here is a link of how to make one that might help you: https://m.wikihow.com/Create-a-Wellness-Plan
    I have endured pain and loss. I have felt broken. I have known hardship, and I have felt lost and alone.

    But here I stand, trying to move forward, one day at a time. I will remember the lessons in my life because they are making me who I am. Stronger.

    A warrior. 
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,753 The Mix Elder
    Very helpful. Thank you @Kasa2103
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Kasa2103
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,790 Postholic
    Aife said:
    Hey @kathleen0172 I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. I just wanted to send you a hug and let you know we're here anytime you want to talk <3
    @Aife thanks, you're really sweet <3 I'm sorry - just struggling so much atm.
    Aife
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Carer/Craft Lover Posts: 2,361 Mega Poster
    It’s all my fault your not here anymore , i should of seen you were iller sooner :( 
    “ I believe that you have the power to achieve whatever you put your mind too, You are living a life’s most people won’t  ever understand but that’s what will Be the root of all your determination and success. You have a soul full of love and kindness and I just know that despite all the hardship, a life’s of happiness awaits you and I’m very proud of you, just keep holding on” 
    Kathleen07ShaunieLaine
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,753 The Mix Elder
    Oh dear lol the excitement and shock of getting onto the peer support training is going and i am feeling veryyyyyyyyy overwhelmed😥😥😥😥
    gave in my ID for DBS but i also need to fill out some stuff incase my contact with the police come up on it and they want to be well aware just incase anything does. but the email i was sent isnt working 😥😥😥😥. I just really hope that ive harmed a police man will not come up on it 😥😥😥😰😥😥😥they know my contact with police i told them and they said it was for my mental health and shouldnt affect my place. But im scared incase it looks worse on paper or something. Like you know people make things sound bad with big words and all that. 

    ive also been given my time table for the training and it starts on the 29th -- even if my DBS hasnt came through and is 9 til 5 every week day and i am only used to working on weekends for 8 hours a week and im going to be doing this added to it! im going to be doing something everyday and i havent done anything more than 8 hours a week for years. Dk if can do this but really want to.
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Kathleen07Laine
  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 2,673 Mega Poster
    Found a balloon that matches my mood 🙃🙃🙃 


    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
    Kathleen07Laine
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,790 Postholic
    Well, as well as just struggling as always... My throat's been really painful today (technically yesterday). It's kind of funny, 'cause everything is just upsetting and hard and so the throat pain can help push me to tears - but that hurts my throat even further :/

    I'm kind of worried in case I'm getting a cold. I don't get them like you probably do lol. *PTW
    When I'm ill, my day consists of horrible throat pain, constantly sucking throat sweets to try to relieve the nausea and the throat pain, throwing up every hour, often feeling too ill to do anything but sit there (as in, can't even use my laptop), not able to spend time with Ruby 'cause of it... Thankfully, that really terrible part tends to only last a day or two. But then I'm stuck with: sore throat (still), tiredness, blocked nose that I have to blow every 5 seconds, maybe a hacking cough. Um... Yeah. You get the point. Being ill is not a fun experience for me. It makes me think of having my tonsils removed. So, hopefully I'm not getting a cold.


    ShaunieMillie2787
  • Kasa2103Kasa2103 Ugly Snake South EastPosts: 2,285 Mega Poster
    @BubblesGoesBoo *hugs* You are absolutely not a waste of blood and organs. You are an absolutely amazing person and you are loved. You have a point of being in the world. Please never think that you are a waste of blood or organs ever again.
    I have endured pain and loss. I have felt broken. I have known hardship, and I have felt lost and alone.

    But here I stand, trying to move forward, one day at a time. I will remember the lessons in my life because they are making me who I am. Stronger.

    A warrior. 
    Kathleen07
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Carer/Craft Lover Posts: 2,361 Mega Poster
    Just burst out crying and don’t even know why 
    “ I believe that you have the power to achieve whatever you put your mind too, You are living a life’s most people won’t  ever understand but that’s what will Be the root of all your determination and success. You have a soul full of love and kindness and I just know that despite all the hardship, a life’s of happiness awaits you and I’m very proud of you, just keep holding on” 
    Kasa2103Kathleen07LaineShaunie
  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 2,673 Mega Poster
    Phoned my dad in a panic cause I saw tons of sirens going up to his part of the island and thought he had been in a car accident or something (thanks bpd) (he's safe) instead it's a potential bomb scare 🙃🙃🙃 
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
    Kathleen07Kasa2103LaineShaunie
  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 2,673 Mega Poster
    Kasa2103 said:
    @BubblesGoesBoo *hugs* You are absolutely not a waste of blood and organs. You are an absolutely amazing person and you are loved. You have a point of being in the world. Please never think that you are a waste of blood or organs ever again.
    Thanks 😊 guess I was just having a bad day  <3
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
    Kasa2103Laine
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,753 The Mix Elder
    Hugggg xxx
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Millie2787Kathleen07
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,790 Postholic
    Sigh. I was doing a tiny tiny bit better earlier - it was more like loud and bad background music. Now it's even louder again.

    Maybe professional help is the only route I can really go down for things to get better. But I'm just too scared. Idek what to do. I just feel like suicide.
    BubblesGoesBoo
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