You may be asked to reset your password when you try to login. This is part of a system update and is genuine, so it's safe to go ahead and do that. If you no longer have access to the email address you used to register, please email us at [email protected] rather than creating a new account. Apologies for the inconvenience.

Hi. i am disgusting scum, liar and racist

2

Comments

  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,701 The Mix Elder
    Feeling really bad. Cant even get myself to leave my bed :’( cant move cause too sad but really want to kil myself. What a stuck feeling :(
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,701 The Mix Elder
    Omg i feel so bad. It hurts. Just want it to stop. I have no future😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

    (i am safe)
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,701 The Mix Elder
      
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,701 The Mix Elder
    edited November 2018
    https://youtu.be/0qHGEgFucQU

    I am literally even triggered just by this song. Omg lol.  It reminds me of around new year because i went to london fireworks last year. And they played this song, i think and because the video has fireworks in yeah idk some how thinking about new year last year. Lol

    Which anyway was a horrible new year as when was at night we was drinking and drink makes me more sensitive anyway. And my older sisters boyfriend was there and was moaning at me for not doing anything with my life. Like an hour before 12 And i mean yeah new year and all but what a way to ruin it. There is a time and place for these things and clearly wasnt any.  I didnt want to be told i am shit that night. And i started crying and was horrible. And basically i am triggered as ot reminds i have gotten no where since then and i thought it was bad then. And now its been a nearly a  whole year and i still havent gotten anywhere😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

    failure
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,701 The Mix Elder
    edited November 2018
    Yesterday my sister called me lazy. (She does all the time as i dont clean after myself or the house). But yesterday she was shoutin at me and then throw water at me. Was really weird and unexpected and then we ended up like flodding the kitchen. 

    And i think i should say sorry to the person who runs the groups next week as i dunmo if i was too honest about how i felt about the group. I said i felt like i was being called lazy and that if i wasnt so lazy and occupied my time i would feel this way and is my own fault. When if i had help for how i feel instead i would want to occupy my time. But never had help for depressive feeling which she thought was weird. and think offended her as obvs not her intetnion to make people feel at fault. But i did say would help if my only my feeling was BPD and said feel everyoen ignores how i feel. But think i just cant manage emotions when my constant feel its depression

    ( i know i am spamming - its not cause im seeking a reply or thinking no one cares or anyone would actually read - just venting. But a hug would be nice 🙃)
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    AifeJellyelephant
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,701 The Mix Elder
    Duty team rang me and basically said i shouldnt be so sensitive or take things personally lol.  And that occupying time helps someone. Well yeah i get that but i feel low all the time and wont even give me meds. And he said is should use their service more and shouldnt have to wait til crisis for help or for someoen to notice i am upset in group. I am sad all the time. I cant be ringing them all the time. Cause for a start that is too much and i dont like phone calls. And basically i meed to cry louder. So basically otherwise telling people i am sad all the time they dont beleive me unless i am in hospital every day or calling them everyday :(
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Aife
  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 2,153 Moderator
    edited November 2018
    Hey @Shaunie

    I'm really sorry to hear about the phone call with the duty team. It sounds like you're feeling like no one is really listening or understanding how you're feeling. This can feel really isolating but remember you're not alone, we're all here for you and we understand :) 

    Try not to feel embarrassed about crying during your group therapy session. It's really brave that you tried to talk about how you were feeling to everyone in the group. Like you said, it's overwhelming and the fact you opened up about everything to the person that was running it is a great step forward. It sounds like this person was really understanding about wanting to help you get some more support. Hopefully her talking to your CC will be more helpful than the duty team phone call today. When do you next see your CC? 

    It's really positive that you're speaking up about these things and letting them know how you're feeling about the therapy. It's really important to be open about these things so you can get the best support available. I really hope they can offer you some more support with everything. With the phone call, you mentioned the duty team said you should use their services more, did they mention what options there are for you if you did want to use their support more? 

     And basically i am triggered as ot reminds i have gotten no where since then and i thought it was bad then. And now its been a nearly a  whole year and i still havent gotten anywhere

    You've come so far this year Shaunie. I saw this quote the other day and I thought I'd share it with you :) 

    "Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never be fully okay, but at least we're here. Were still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too."

    Sending you big hugs, hope you're feeling a little better today <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
    Shaunie
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,701 The Mix Elder
    edited November 2018
    Aw thank you so much @Aife <3<3
    felt better after reading.

    I do really like that quote and is true & makes me feel less shit. & cause i always feel like am missing out on life. But guess iam trying🙃. Life can just be really unfair & shit & not completly as expected:/

    When they say i should use their service more they say i should ring them or ask for a open clinic appiontment. Which i dont even know how that works anyway.  I rang their number before and asked for a crisis call. Took over an hour for a call back which by that time i was less distressed as i ended up harming myself. So really dont see the point in ringing them

    I do hope her talking to my CC will be more helpful. But doubt it tbh. I see my CC next friday on 7th December which feels like ages away still. But next group therapy session is more 121 as we need to set a goal. Idkk what goal to set:/ 

    but thank you😊 <3
    i am feelin a lil bit better today
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Aife
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 640 Extreme Poster
    Hey @Shaunie, totally echo Aife's comment above, I know you feel like you aren't making progress but you are!! You have come so far and we are rooting for you to keep going <3

    Do you think they'd give you a bit more info about the open clinic or how ringing them should work if you asked? Sounds like they are not set up for crisis calls if they took an hour to ring back but they might be able to speak to you at other times? 

    When's the next group therapy session? I know before you were talking about doing some volunteering, how are you feeling about that now? Could be an idea for a goal if that's the type they want :smile:

    Glad you're feeling a bit better today. We're always here for you <3

    - Lucy xx
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
    Shaunie
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,701 The Mix Elder
    edited November 2018
    The phone call is set up for crisis calls as 111 doesnt let me have a call with them in work hours. Yet they take nearly 2 hours to ring back when on verge of killing myself. Like idek that is really fucked up to me. But ill ask about the open clinic when i see my CC next week. 

    I have group therapy monday. I think they think voluterring is an “unrealistic goal” but will speak to them about it again as they hardly gave me a chance to speak about it enough. And if maybe if spoke about it more they wont think unrealistic.  

    But idek anymore i wanna die:(
    feel like i am too stupid to do anything even voluterring so no point. Probs they think am stupid. And why said it



    But thank you Lucy <3
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,701 The Mix Elder
    Have group therapy today. Ive hardly slept as not been well.... so this should be shit. Feel better now but an tired And am going to be overwhelmed with the fact - its the week we set a goal & will say voluterring but if not that i want to be more sociable. But its pointless really. They have ignored my depressive feelings for ages and just say i cant manage emotions & only BPD. If that was the case then yeah it would help. But telling someone they just need to occupy their is a bit devalidating when unmotivation is a massive symptom of depression. If they helped me with how i feel then i maybe i would want to occupy my time and kee up with it. Though i may be able to keep with a goal or something but why does that even mean id feel better. Its not my fault i am lazy. 

    But this is all of which i will try my best to say to CC on friday. I dont want to sound rude or ungrateful though
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,701 The Mix Elder
    And also my pelvis is hurting more
    Trigger warning
    my pelvis keeps on hurting - which is not normal right? I dont mean like period pain sort of pain. I say hurting but doesnt actually hurt more dull pain feeling. And i think that is my fault & that i have damaged something

    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Carer/Craft Lover Posts: 2,334 Mega Poster
    Shaunie said:
    And also my pelvis is hurting more
    Trigger warning
    my pelvis keeps on hurting - which is not normal right? I dont mean like period pain sort of pain. I say hurting but doesnt actually hurt more dull pain feeling. And i think that is my fault & that i have damaged something

    @shauine could just be growing pains- I’ve had it before and I went to the GP and just said it’s growing pains 💖
    “ I believe that you have the power to achieve whatever you put your mind too, You are living a life’s most people won’t  ever understand but that’s what will Be the root of all your determination and success. You have a soul full of love and kindness and I just know that despite all the hardship, a life’s of happiness awaits you and I’m very proud of you, just keep holding on” 
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,701 The Mix Elder
    Thanks @Millie2787
    but think have damaged myself for reasons ive said before that message. Dont think growing pains. But thanks:)
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Millie2787
  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 2,153 Moderator
    Hey @Shaunie

    I hope group therapy goes okay today. Volunteering sounds like a great goal to set for yourself and it's definitely something you can achieve. You're so lovely to everyone here on the boards so giving back through volunteering sounds like something you'd be amazing at. You're already a step ahead because you've got your DBS and already making applications. This is such great progress and it's definitely a goal you can achieve :) 

    It's completely understandable to hear how you're feeling about the sessions. Do you know if they'll offer more support with how you're feeling after the goal setting section of your therapy? I hope your appointment with your CC on Friday goes okay and that she's able to offer you a bit more support :) 

    Let us know how you get on today <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
    Shaunie
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,701 The Mix Elder
    edited December 2018
    Thank you for support and encoragement @Aife <3. Group therapy. Was agesss like 3 hours cause we had to speak to them individually. Atm my goal is to find a goal. But also to look at do.it.org. I said i have look very slightly at it but find it stressful and see things i may like and then until i look at the “skills” part. Then think i am stupid. But said they can look with me if i struggle to look. And she said she think i can do it and not unrealistic 😊

    but she said she doesnt think i should be staying at primark any longer if it makes me feel so shit. But i kinda have to as need some money. And dunno how to work round that
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Aife
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,701 The Mix Elder
    edited December 2018
    Aife said:

    It's completely understandable to hear how you're feeling about the sessions. Do you know if they'll offer more support with how you're feeling after the goal setting section of your therapy? I hope your appointment with your CC on Friday goes okay and that she's able to offer you a bit more support :) 
    & i dont think so. They wont give any more support they just think that if i do something with my life they have helped. Even if i still feel like shit. They dont care. I ask for meds but they ignore me and say i overdose and that meds may not help anyway. 

    And i mean. Maybe doing something with my life could help me. Like voluterring. And feel less alone and more purpose. But could also just get so overwhelmed and more depressed and more unmotivated. 
    I hope the first one
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Aife
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,701 The Mix Elder
    edited December 2018
    I feeling a lil bit more positive today and hopeful today. 😊😊😊

    Considering i am diagnosed with BPD - my moods swings dont actually happen a lot like that. 

    I think i want to help myself more and start doing more with my life. And feel hopeful about it. Hopefully feleing will last

    thank you all v much for help & support <3<3
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Millie2787LaineAife
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 640 Extreme Poster
    Hey @Shaunie

    It's great to hear you are feeling more positive today! I hope the feeling lasts too :relaxed: It's lovely to hear that you are now being encouraged to volunteer instead of it being 'unrealistic' - that's great news that group therapy people are supporting you with that :smiley: let us know how you get on?

    Sending hugs and positive vibes <3

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
    Shaunie
  • LaineLaine Llama Mama Posts: 1,349 Fanatical Poster
    That's fab Shaunie!  

    Really glad to hear you're feeling positive 💕 

    It's important to remember that we have up and down days but the downers pass.

    We're all here for you and always will be x

    If you get a bad day in the future just come back and read this and it will remind you x

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈 

    "Maybe it's not my weekend,  but it's gonna be my year" ~ All Time Low

    "No one else is dealing with your demons, meaning maybe defeating them could be the beginning of your meaning friend" ~ TOP

    "What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?" ~ Bastille
    Shaunie
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,701 The Mix Elder
    Thank yous 

    but feeling really bad and suicidal again :( will be seeing care coordinator soon though
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • LaineLaine Llama Mama Posts: 1,349 Fanatical Poster
    Shaunie said:
    Thank yous 

    but feeling really bad and suicidal again :( will be seeing care coordinator soon though
    Well it's good that you're seeing your coordinator soon, sorry you were feeling down,  do you feel any better now?  

    We all have off days xo

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈 

    "Maybe it's not my weekend,  but it's gonna be my year" ~ All Time Low

    "No one else is dealing with your demons, meaning maybe defeating them could be the beginning of your meaning friend" ~ TOP

    "What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?" ~ Bastille
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,701 The Mix Elder
    edited December 2018
    I don’t feel much better. I thought painting my room would be a distraction but it’s been stressful and takes up most of my day & still not finished & expensive. 

    But anyway. I saw my CC on Friday & was okay but she kept on speaking about the last time I took a overdose & keep wanting me to go indetail when I kept saying I didn’t wanna speak about it. But suppose she is right in terms that should speak about it

    we also talked a lot about voluterring & how I said i don’t know if I’d have motivation & we did speak about meds but then she said shouldn’t as It wasn’t long since I overdose & my BMI low so an overdose is more harmful than healthy BMI . Which I get but I wanted to try meds :///.  It has to be a good few months of not overdosing til that can happen.  

    Tw
    And she also said she thinks I’ve lost weigt. Which yeah I don’t think so. And told me I should see my Gp again to check for function of liver and kidney since am taking laxatives 

    But she said she thinks my motivation to help others will be good and said that she thinks that I put other people before myself - and thinking about how i would help them rather than me would motivate me. — dont beleive i am that selfless ha. 

    And  she said she really thinks I could do it. But starting stuff is hard for anyone

    But i cant keep working at primark cause just makes me want to die & not enough money anyway and I can’t stop working there because I need some money. I don’t get what to do. I don’t want a job atm I just want to voluterr to try different things.

    But need money some way so basically no point or way round that and should die if I can’t handle work life
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Laine
  • LaineLaine Llama Mama Posts: 1,349 Fanatical Poster
    @Shaunie
    Really sorry you're not doing too great. 

    Primark is really stressful and definitely not worth the workload for the pay. 

    Volunteering is great but if you need money maybe you can volunteer on the side and look for a better job?  Or maybe get a job that's similar, like the heart foundation and Salvation Army pays for people to work in charity shops as well as volunteer?  Xo

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈 

    "Maybe it's not my weekend,  but it's gonna be my year" ~ All Time Low

    "No one else is dealing with your demons, meaning maybe defeating them could be the beginning of your meaning friend" ~ TOP

    "What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?" ~ Bastille
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,701 The Mix Elder
    edited December 2018
    Ha thanks  for suggestion. but would never want to voluterr in a chairty shop. I did once and only lasted 2 days lol. That was horrible as well as disgusting (In least snobby way but saw something so disgustin in there). But I would love to volunteer in a place like a care home and speaking to older people or playing like cross words with them aha. 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,701 The Mix Elder
    Omg well I really wanted to go to group therapy today but dunno if I can. I am so lonely so gunna try to go to it. And cause I’d fee bad. But I think i have a UTI and need a wee every second and that’s just awkward and embarrassing if am leaving every second and really hurts. 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,701 The Mix Elder
    Omg I feel awful. Still going tho lol. 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,701 The Mix Elder
    I Want to die so badly right now. Don’t want to live another day. 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 2,153 Moderator
    edited December 2018
    Hey @Shaunie I hope you're okay. Do you want to tell us a bit more about how you're feeling? How did group therapy go today?

    But I would love to volunteer in a place like a care home and speaking to older people or playing like cross words with them aha. 

    You'd be so great at this! Are there any care homes nearby that you could apply to? 

    Stay strong <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 640 Extreme Poster
    Hey @Shaunie

    Hope you're OK, I'm sorry to see you were feeling low earlier. Agree with Aife I think you'd be brilliant working in a care home! One of my friends is a cleaner in one actually and gets to do both so she still gets paid for being there but a lot of her job is just chatting and socialising. Is that something you feel you may be able to do? 

    Did you go to group therapy today? If so how was it? <3

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
Sign In or Register to comment.