If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options
[OLD] The 'I need a hug' thread - please read first post before posting :)
This discussion has been closed.
Comments
if your struggling just know that, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel and you can do this - your so strong!
Take Care (((HUGS)))
Lauren
You are cared for @Meggles
We're all here for you x
Hope the storm calmed down @Floxy 💗
🌈Positive thoughts🌈
"This is my family. I found it, all on my own.It's little, and Broken, but still good. Yeah. Still good." ~ Stitch
"Lately, I've been struggling with all the simple things in my life" ~ Cian Ducrot
"I don't know if it's because my heart hurts or I'm insecure" ~ Juice Wrld
Lyndon B.Johnson
Her reply was “ive done that before” ”looked at you and then started crying”
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭💔
Have to go and give a community talk in a couple of hours but all I want to do today is stay home, drink tea and not talk. Can I not just stay home on my own and not socialise for a couple of days.
A lot of things have happened in the past which i'm willing to explain but right now i guess i need to talk about what's bothering me recently.
about 5 months ago i was admitted to hospital for over week after i gave up and overdosed after i told a terrible lie at school which soon got taken way out of hand and i couldn't control it, it takes a lot for me to acc say this but basically i told my friends my dad abused me after they saw my self harm. The worst thing is, i believed my lie, i literally convinced myself and others that my dad abused me, this went on for about a year. i cant comprehend how or why i thought that after i was the one who hurt myself in the first place. i literally used to harm myself when i dissociated and then convinced myself my dad did it. i know its a disgusting horrible, horrible lie to tell and i dont blame any of you for hating me for it, i hate me for it. which is why i took the overdose, i realised it was me hurting myself and not my dad and then couldn't face my lie. This combined with the other things which had happened in my life were enough for me to die. clearly it didn't work... I left a suicide note explaining to my family about what i said about my dad and other lies i had told which are less significant etc. Anyway, so the secret came out and i got help etc, my family cant understand why i did it but they still love me i think.
A few months after this (the 22nd of August to be exact) i was finally trusted enough to be let out with my friends and i jumped at the opportunity to get drunk with my friends in a park. after drinking as much alcohol as i could get my hands on i opened up to a guy who was there and told him the truth (ish) about my dad which he was surprisingly dead nice about, gaining my trust.. It didn't end well and this guy, my school "friend" ended up raping me. i heard he raped some other girls at my school but he convinced me they were lying for attention, like i did with my dad.. My other friend who was there when it happened and was less drunk than me soon told my dad who called the police and they turned up at the house where i was drunkenly crying and ended up giving a statement.. the guy got arrested, i did interviews and tests etc but the stress of it all was too much and i ended up not taking it to court as they said it could take up to a year longer and my cahms worker said it may be too much for me to handle as i was coping with my other mental health issues at the same time, the police weren't helpful at all and made me feel like rubbish.
i know what you're thinking.. i lied about my abuse so i must be lying about rape. there is nothing i can say to make you believe me other than my promise that this is truly what happened... i'm pretty sure.
However, it keeps going around and around in my head and tormenting me that what if it's all started again and this is another lie.. screaming at me that i'm a liar and disgusting and if it is true i deserve it after what i said about my dad anyway, so either way i'm disgusting which is true, i do deserve this i know.. but i know, i know, this time its different, i get flashbacks and nightmares and panic attacks about what happened with that guy and i self harm and cry and freak out every time i see him in school. i know i'm telling the truth but i cant help thinking deep down my family and therapist don't believe me and they think it's another lie which kills me inside. I AM A LIAR. how do i know whats true and whats not!? even though im certain this happened, i've never felt so scared and paranoid, disgusting or hurt in my life, this is so so different than how i felt when i thought my dad was hurting me, this is so real. i dont know if im making any sense at all but this is buzzing around my head and i cant say it to anyone incase they think i am lying and this is the same as what happened with my dad etc. I self-harm, i binge drink in order to forget, i can't sleep, i'm obsessed with not eating and losing weight, i cry randomly all the time, i'm either severely bulimic or starving myself all the time, i try to kill myself so many times because i'm so confused and so fucked up and so scared all the time, i can't make sense of any of this. Yet i tell my cahms worker, teachers, freinds, boyfriend and family i'm fine and laugh it all off which frustrates them because they know i'm not. i need to die or fix my head, i'm not even sure which anymore. i don't know what to do, why am i such a horrible disgusting liar yet honest about what happened with the rape at the same time, or not honest about the rape, i really don't know, but i can't do this. my self harm and eating problems are getting so much worse, i'm losing so much weight and my body is worse than ever before and i feel crazy.
i've recently got a new boyfriend who is amazing! he's such an amazing guy and i hate myself so much for putting him through watching me do this to myself, he's constantly worried and stressed that i'll die from bulimia or i'll kill myself etc, i tell him i'm fine and can sometimes convince him everythings okay but we both genuinely know it's not. i know i'm only 15 but i think i love him, i know i love him. he's so kind and understanding and patient with me even when it drives him crazy that i wont talk to him about this stuff. what other guy would stay with a girl this fucked up? i genuinely dont know how he hasn't left me, i'm not even pretty or fun or confident, or willing to sleep with him, i can't even kiss him because the thought freaks me out after what happened with Adam (the rapist) what have i got to give? yet he's still here. i know deep down i should end it now and save him from putting up with my depression and crazyness but i can't bring myself to do it, i can't lose him, which i know is so selfish, i've tried convincing him he should leave me even though it kills me inside but he knows i do love him (even though i can't tell him i love him unless i'm drunk) and i don't actually want him to leave. it's so confusing, who else would put up with this? he's my favourite person in the entire world yet i'm so scared of getting hurt i can barely show him how much he means to me, i'm even more scared i'll hurt him, he's waited 2 years for me and now we're finally dating i feel bad, like i'm holding him back. Do i let him go and leave us both hurt and alone or hang onto him and hurt us both?
Sorry i rambled on for a whole lot longer than i intended. I don't even expect any one to read this far. I think i'm done. it's good to get this all out. Thanks, I hope each and every one of you are okay, you will be one day so don't give up, hang in there, thank you so much for letting me get this all out x
Also made me realise ive spent over 7 years stuck in the midst of this illness, its been 12 since I first showed signs, theres been times when ive maintained a healthy weight but anorexia was still there. thats over half my life
wanna diee
Keep having intense anxiety/panic attacks and even making it harder and stressful to write on here and feel being judged with everything i write and not making sense.