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I can't accept that he wants me

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
I've been with my new boyfriend for almost 6 months now, and I just can't seem to accept that he wants me.
I've fallen head over heels in love with him, which may seem too soon to a lot of people but for me it feels right.
He has never done anything to make be believe he doesn't want to be with me, in fact the opposite, he treats me like a queen and always puts my needs and feelings before his own.
I've suffered with depression for more than 10 years and because of this, something inside my head keeps telling me that he hates me, doesnt want to be around me, is disgusted by me, is only with me because hes bored, finds me unbearable etc etc.
these thoughts are making our relationship very difficult, and he does not deserve for me to feel this way.
He is very supportive of my mental health problems and never makes me feel i need to hide or be embarrassed, but he doesnt understand why i don't believe he loves me.

I tried to speak to a friend about this and was told it was unfair to stay with him and that i should leave him and give him a chance to find someone "normal", needless to say not so much friends anymore.
I don't want to leave mhim, i really think he is good for me and want to build a future with him, but i cant seem to get rid of the self deprecating thoughts and feeling like im not good enough for him.

anyone been through similar?
Thanks in advance, much love!

Comments

  • DreaDrea Posts: 292 The Mix Regular
    Hey Jjleigh,

    Firstly well done for posting this! It can be hard to come to terms with these things and you're definitely not alone in this situation! You're going through some things which are very tough and do tend to have a toll on your self-esteem and many other things so it is definitely not novel that you may be feeling this way. It's also really really good that you have spoken to your boyfriend about this, so at least it has been explained and there isn't any misunderstanding! To say that it isn't fair for you to be with him, or that he should have someone 'normal' is probably not a good idea to think about because 'normal' for starters, is a very subjective term. Everyone fights their own battles, and that is precisely what makes people normal. You have clearly identified that you think there is a problem and it is evident that you are trying to find a way to solve it which is really lovely of you to want to do. If you didn't care, you wouldn't be so stuck about it all!

    For these reasons alone, and how caring you seem to be, it is no wonder that he cares about you so much too! It can be hard to come to terms with whether or not someone may or may not be into you, and although it may seem like that should only be something to think about before becoming official, it isn't always the case. Remember, you have been together for 6 months, and it may just be a case that it is taking you a little longer to warm up to the feeling that someone is in love with you and does truly want to be with you. A side note too; there is no time threshold for how long it takes to fall in love (it differs with everyone!) ;). We can't say anything for sure, but consider that 6 months is not a short amount of time either, and for someone to treat you the way you have described your boyfriend treats you, must mean there is something very special there, and he sees something in you that he believes deserves everything he gives to you :)

    We aren't relationship experts here, but what you are going through is again, not uncommon at all! In terms of your depression, it may be good to talk to a counsellor if you already have one just to discuss how you're feeling (if you feel comfortable doing so), and if not, you can always visit websites or contact places (which we'll link below) and see if they offer any other advice to help you out. Hope to hear from you soon, and have a great day!

    Link:
    - http://www.supportline.org.uk/
    - https://www.brook.org.uk/your-life/c...-and-wellbeing

    Drea :heart:
  • Lucy307Lucy307 Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hey Jjleigh,

    I echo Drea's post above - we all experience this! It's so common to feel this way. I understand that it's not a reflection of his behaviour, it is an inner struggle that takes time to work through. It's so good you have spoken to him about this already, and about your mental health in general, that takes guts! Well done! Even if he doesn't fully understand why you feel the way you do, he doesn't really need to, as long as he can help to put your mind at rest sometimes - is there anything he can do that you think might help when you are worrying?

    I am also in a long term relationship (it's been a few years now) and I still have to check in with my partner that he likes/loves me sometimes. It's become a bit of a running joke with us - we keep it light hearted but I have made him aware of how important reassurance is to me. It's human to need reassurance!

    It's also very human to self-depricate and worry that you are not good enough. I have felt exactly the same way and again it takes time to change that view of yourself. Something that I have been doing recently is to focus on self-care more. There is a brilliant starter guide for that here http://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/a-guide-to-self-care-15574.html & the absolute number 1 tip is to be kind to yourself (treat yourself as you would treat a good friend). To be honest, putting a focus self-care is one of the best things I've ever done for my mental health. Let me know what you think!

    On another note... Whoever the 'friend' was who said you should give him a chance to find someone normal? Wow. What on earth is normal? I'm glad you already realise how utterly ridiculous that comment is. You do you, however 'normal' or 'not normal' that is!!!! :rainbow2:

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you both so much for the amazing responses, you've given me a lot to think about, and answered a few questions too!
    He is very supportive but I worry that me needing constant reassurance could make him doubt my trust in him?
    I feel very positive about this relationship and him in general, so it's nice to have some reassurance from you guys that I'm not mad and it's not unusual to feel this way!
  • DreaDrea Posts: 292 The Mix Regular
    Hey Jjleigh94,

    No problem! It's normal to have doubts, which is why communication is so important! Hope you have an amazing day :)

    Drea:heart:
  • Lucy307Lucy307 Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hi Jjleigh94,

    Exactly what @Drea said :) understand you are worried he will doubt your trust, but that's why it's really important to keep talking & keep telling him how you're truly feeling - makes a world of difference.

    Glad you're feeling positive, that's what we like to hear!:rainbow:

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
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