I was made to give my baby up

Hi my names Jenner, I'm new tonight. I'm not quite sure if I can put stuff like this on her or not so I'm sorry if not please feel free to delete if needed.

last year I was raped coming home from a friends house. I never saw who it was and he has never been found. But thats not what this is about well sort of.

After what happened I fell pregnant and at first I just didn't know what to do. I knew I could have an abortion because it doesn't feel right to me.

My family and some of my friends convinced me that adoption was the best option. But with every scan and each stage I went through despite what had happened I started to feel something towards the baby. I was still struggling to come to terms with what happened and I still am. But that baby inside of me was still my baby!

I told my mum I wasn't sure about adoption and wanted some time with my child before I decided. She told me that was cruel because the baby would become attached. She also said that as I was 16 that it was too early for me to have a baby and because of college. she would have to look after it which because of her father she won't. I told her I would look after her myself and do whatever I needed to. But she kept on.

This went on for ages and near the end of my pregnancy mum and the rest of my family pressured me into filling in the paper work for the baby to be adopted. I really didn't want to but I felt like I had to because they just kept on and on and with coming to terms with the rape I felt so worthless and that she needed better.

I met the people who were going to adopt her in December a month before she was born. They seem like they would love and look after her. Between them and my mum they decided that she would go in foster care as soon as possible until the adoption was final to (as my mum put it) avoid the baby getting attached to me.

I went into hospital on the 15th January and gave birth to my baby girl later that day at 10:30pm she was 6lb 7oz

I was let out the next day at dinner time
I spent that day with her before mum decided to call the foster career to come pick her up
I started crying and kept telling mum I wanted to keep her. But she told me it was too late now and it was for the best.
She would be 4 months old now and I'm still heartbroken

People don't seem to get it, They all say that they thought I would hate her but that's far from it! I wanted to protect her. I know she was conceived via rape which I'm still going counselling for and still struggling to come to terms with. But with every day that she was growing inside me. She was still my baby! I honestly can't explain how I feel because I feel nothing I'm just so numb. I didn't want to give my baby away, I want her even though no one else does. I haven't seen her since that day I had to give her over. I was told when she was given to the adoptive parents who have named her Elle like I asked them to.

The fact I'll never hug or see my baby is killing me. My mum won't speak about her and refused any photographs as if she never existed. I have one from the day I gave birth but mum told me not to have any more and I have no way of contact to adoptive parents

I just want my baby so bad

Ps I haven't always got on with my mum I love her lots be we do have a lot of disagreements and veiws on things. Sometimes I don't think she fully understands me.