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Goodbye

AidanAidan Clever idiotPosts: 2,494 Boards Champion
I need to admit something. I've been a hypocrite. All of these times I've tried to help people with their problems, it was only because I wanted to ask for help for mine. But I can't. And I feel so bad for thinking I could even take anything away from you guys. But all this advice I was trying to give, I don't believe it myself. It doesn't work for me. Things never get better for me.

Why? People on here have been abused or raped or bullied or impoverished and they're doing better than me. I just can't go on any more. I'm laid in bed with the curtains closed crying and hugging my bedsheets because I have no one. I only ever come on here because I have no one in real life. I pretend I'm against things like suicide, when really its all I can think of right now. It's my only way out. It's what I deserve. I don't wanna die, I just can't live. Counselors, therapists, pills, they all don't help. So there's nothing that can fix me.

I'm sorry I used you guys just because I was lonely. It's pathetic. But you've all been amazing people, you're so friendly and willing to help each other. And the humour some of you have in the face of the worst, it's impossibly brilliant. I wish I could have known you all in reality. And I'm sorry I lied to you all about being so strong when you're all stronger than me.
I think I need help. I don't know. I don't deserve it really. I'm a fraud. I've been fighting with myself for too long and I've lost. I can't be alive for much longer, it hurts so much.

I'm so scared of what I'm about to do. I don't wanna die. But just I can't, really really can't go on.

Thank you guys for taking me on this incredible journey.

Aidan, signing off
"Do, or do not, there is no try" <(•.•)>              

Comments

  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 The Mix Regular
    Aidan everybodys feelings are valid!

    I am similar to you I was going to say to you because I saw you support a lot of people on different threads is that its really important to look after ourselves maybe we cant do that on here so phone a helpline and let that be the support for you.
  • AidanAidan Clever idiot Posts: 2,494 Boards Champion
    Thanks Lostsense, you were one of the awesome people I was talking about.
    I just can't ring a helpline. I'm literally terrified of ringing somebody. I'll stutter and I'll hang up. And then I'll just worry them. No one can help me anyway, I really can't see anything they can fix. It's all in my head, but I can't get away from it. I'm my own victim.
    I just can't see a future worth living. I just wanna skip to the end. I'm so stupid. I'm such a hypocrite. I'm a bad person. I'm using you all. It isn't right.
    "Do, or do not, there is no try" <(•.•)>              
  • Pink+fluffyPink+fluffy Noob Posts: 84
    Text papyrus, they help with suicide prevention in young people below 35 I think, google them and get there text number xx
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 The Mix Regular
    For the past few nights I have spoke to Rethink mental illness they have a listening helpline in my area and in some areas they have webchats too. They have waited for me to speak and have been brillliant I have been phoning back each night. I usually dont like talking on the phone and have just hung up but they will wait for you. It dosent matter that you are using us. A lot of people put on a front and help other people when they are not okay themselves (like me and sounds like you) thats why it is important we seek help offline too. You are not a bad person

    ps thankyou :D
  • AidanAidan Clever idiot Posts: 2,494 Boards Champion
    I just find it so hard to talk about my feelings. Most of the time, I'm sure I don't have any. How do you guys do it?
    "Do, or do not, there is no try" <(•.•)>              
  • Pink+fluffyPink+fluffy Noob Posts: 84
    I don't usually start by talking about how I feel I just generally say hello and it escalates from there xx
  • AidanAidan Clever idiot Posts: 2,494 Boards Champion
    Ive just text papyrus hello, we'll see what happens
    "Do, or do not, there is no try" <(•.•)>              
  • AidanAidan Clever idiot Posts: 2,494 Boards Champion
    Ive opened the curtains, its sunny now and that has literally changed my mind. WTF is wrong with me?!?! What am I supposed to say if they text me back now?
    "Do, or do not, there is no try" <(•.•)>              
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 4,777 The Mix Elder
    Aidan, I'm so glad the sun has changed your mind. Just finding those little things, those little things that can help you to change (or even just to feel that tiny bit better) is a really good things. As @Lostsense said, your feelings are valid, we are all here for you and here to listen to you so please don't worry about getting help here. I totally understand your feelings about phone lines, I used to be exactly the same. Good for you for sending that text, I hope they reply soon and it can get you the help you really need.

    You don't have to be strong all the time, no one can realistically do that. Huge well done for reaching out, it really is a big step so I'm proud of you! That signature quote of yours, "Success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts" - it is so so true!
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • AidanAidan Clever idiot Posts: 2,494 Boards Champion
    I guess you're right. I'd completely forgotten about that quote, I think I'd gotten too used to seeing it.

    ​Yeah, the sun always makes me feel better for some reason. It might be SAD? I don't know though, I think I'm just as inconsistent as the weather.
    Thanks Elle (im guessing it's Elle, and it isn't someone with the same picture and quote)
    : )
    "Do, or do not, there is no try" <(•.•)>              
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 4,777 The Mix Elder
    Aidan wrote: »
    I guess you're right. I'd completely forgotten about that quote, I think I'd gotten too used to seeing it.

    ​Yeah, the sun always makes me feel better for some reason. It might be SAD? I don't know though, I think I'm just as inconsistent as the weather.
    Thanks Elle (im guessing it's Elle, and it isn't someone with the same picture and quote)
    : )

    Well.... I love your quote. But I know what you mean, I'm used to seeing mine too! It's not sad at all... the weather really does make a difference.

    Yes, It's Elle haha might change the pic and stuff when I've had this for a while!
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • AidanAidan Clever idiot Posts: 2,494 Boards Champion
    No, I didn't mean sad, I meant SAD.

    It stands for seasonal affective disorder, it's basically when you get depressed in bad weather or winter.

    Easy mistake to make, haha : )

    And also GC cheered me up thanks to BT
    "Do, or do not, there is no try" <(•.•)>              
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 4,777 The Mix Elder
    Aidan wrote: »
    No, I didn't mean sad, I meant SAD.

    It stands for seasonal affective disorder, it's basically when you get depressed in bad weather or winter.

    Easy mistake to make, haha : )

    And also GC cheered me up thanks to BT

    OMG I'm so so sorry! Well... I guess it could be that, if the sun makes you feel better!

    Glad to hear GC cheered you up! BT strikes again!
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • AidanAidan Clever idiot Posts: 2,494 Boards Champion
    I think it's fair to say I'm not going anywhere any time soon, thanks guys for cheering me up! I was really, r e a l l y low today for whatever reason and I was genuinely contemplating suicide. Thanks for always being there for me, and I'm here for all of you too! You're all awesome!
    "Do, or do not, there is no try" <(•.•)>              
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 4,777 The Mix Elder
    Oh I'm so glad to hear you're feeling a lot better now! I hope today is a better one for you :)
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
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