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Jokes

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
thought i'd post some random jokes.

A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day. The guy says, "Am I ever! To start, I woke up late for work. On my way to work I got in an accident. When I got to work I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. Then to top everything off I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"

The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?''

The guy says, ''I said BAD DOG''


A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.
I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"


[/COLOR] An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality. ''If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?"
"I'd have to say the living one."


A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ''Can I help you?''
''Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines.''


:D

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Very good jokes, Don't fear I'm not going to add any

    Not seen a joke on "anything goes" in a few weeks.

    like the Jordan one the best. Have you seen the baby pic's!!....Some one should really have a word with poor old Dwight :D
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Harmless
    Have you seen the baby pic's!!....Some one should really have a word with poor old Dwight :D

    Innit white...oops....:rolleyes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *is in a nasty mood*

    Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
    A: They had pictures of Rangers players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

    Sorry, it was the only one I could think of....:D
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ROFLMAO!!!

    I like the phone line one loads. Good to see that jokes are back. Hopefully they will keep coming. Can't think of any that have been posted here before. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He He

    A man picks up a woman at bar and takes her home for sex. After
    pumping away for a long time, the woman cries, "I need more, I
    need more!"

    The man wondering what to do decides to use his fist to fuck the
    woman. So there he is fisting away, getting as far into her as
    his elbows! Still the woman cries, "I need more. I need more!"

    Thinking about it, he decides to use his feet as an alternative!
    He takes his shoes and socks off, rolls up his trousers and
    starts pumping away. He does this for quite a while, going as
    deep as his knees! Finally the woman is satisfied and the man
    leaves, after a job well done.

    He wakes up the next morning with a disgusting fungal growth on
    his knee! Horrified, he goes to see his doctor. Amazed, the
    doctor says he has "gonorrhoea of the knee!" "How did you get
    that?" he asks, "I have never seen this before!"

    The man makes his excuses and leaves quickly with his medication.

    Limping his way home, the man notices the circus is in town. One
    of the tents boosts "Dodgy disease, win $10,000." The man
    enquires and is told that people are invited to show any
    disgusting diseases they may have, and the person with the worst
    disease win $10,000.

    The man shows him his gonorrhoea of the knee. The judge gasps
    "This is truly disgusting but you have just missed out. The
    prize has been issued"

    "Who was is given to?" the man asks enquiringly.

    "Oh, this lady came in a short while ago. She had 'Athlete's
    Cunt.'"

    :p:p
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you don't like sexist jokes - don't read this one

    Whats the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
    A man will go and look for a golf ball.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I hear the Welsh have found a new use for sheep.

    Wool.

    :D
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    why dont witches wear nickers when thier flying ?
    to get a better grip on the broom!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What's red, white and sits in a tree?
    A sanitary owl!!!
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