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My Story (A bit Graphic)

AllieAllie Posts: 235 Trailblazer
Hello there, I'm Kayden.

I'm very new to the site so i'm not sure how to go about things. I should probably start off and say I'm an 18 Year old FtM. I'm living in England at the moment but soon to be back in Wales during March.

Here is my story.
I moved out at home when I was 16 which ended me up in a Bed and Breakfast where my self harm became quite bad, I was with a Youth Homeless Team and placed into a hostel. For my age I've seen things that I probably shouldn't of which included a friend who stopped breathing in front of me, a knife fight and a woman who was hanging by her neck outside my hostel. During all of this I was a heavy drinker and used drugs occassionally, I had a few overdoses and my self harm became unmanageable for the staff members.

Just after I turned 17 a friend passed away. And a year ago last June I was S.Assaulted by a guy a few years older inside my hostel which tipped me over board. I ended up going up to a normal hospital a few weeks after it happened for my self harming behaviours and got told I was unable to go back to my hostel so they had to find me a place of safety to go to. I was placed in a MH Unit for 9 days then got sent to a Children Care Home. Since I went to that care home my self harm had decreased a lot and only 1 overdose was made as they helped me quite a lot and I still keep in contact with them.

I turned 18 last April and was moved to England in another Children Care Home and was recently moved next door (They have a supported housing attatched to the care home). Things havent gone that great for me since, not long after I moved here I ended up drunk ontop of the roof ready to jump. There was a 3 month period from August-November last year where a new staff member would verbally bully me by saying I reminded her of her sister who passed away because she was anorexic, alcoholic and she gave me details of the painful passing away of her sister (I also starve myself intentionally), she stood over me when I was drunk shouting at me all the time and because of my emotional state mixed with alcohol made me throw up I was paraletic and she was going to make me get on my hands and knees and clean it up until another staff member got involved and shouted at her. She also saw my scars at one point and said 'I've seen worse scars than that, if you wanted to die you would do it'. She got found out and was fired from working at the place ever again.
The last 3 weeks I have dealt with bad bullying from 2 young people who live next door, they battered one of the other kids in front of me, threw mud at my window, barged the door in and went through my fridge and spat in my orange juice, threatened me, made homophobic remarks etc so staff have done their best to keep me safe and they have kicked one out.

In the past I've been on Citalopram (20mg) and Sertraline (100mg) but found they did not help at all, I'm now with the Community Mental Health Team who see me regular, they got more involved after I came off Home Treatment. I've been told I have Depression and Anxiety but they are still in the assessment stage. Last week I was told that I have Maladaptive coping strategies and my personality hasnt developed for my age due to the abuse i went through as a child up until now. There is one thing that I cant mention to them. I spoke to my Mentor who works with me as she is around me all the time, basically I am struggling to get up in the morning, I'm struggling with Laundry, Tidying my room and hygeine and have been for many months but my Social worker type of person only found out when I told her last week so I had to do the whole 'Needs Assessment' the only thing is that the manager of the home is telling her and everyone that my eating is good, i can do my laundry, cooking, basically everything but I cant, he has no idea I struggle because he isnt around me as much as the others and we dont talk about anything personal and he just assumes so I know in my meeting he is going to deny everything :crying:.

However, My mentor is going to email my Social worker type of person and explain things about my needs and struggles and she is also going to contact my training provider (Princes Trust) and explain the situation with them aswell as they work very closely (educational and emotional) with me. I know they are going to be shocked because they wouldnt expect it but as its gone on since i lived in my hostel I havent learnt how to manage myself or looking after myself i have just learnt to cover it all up basically so nobody can notice (thats where my anxiety gets me). I have explained to my Mentor that Im scared about my training provider to find out because I'll feel embarrassed and too scared to return there but she's an amazing worker and she said she will come to my training on monday and explain everything to them.

Lately, I've been so stressed I'm now down to 7 Stone (Im 5"4/5"5) and my face is breaking out. I've been seeing things and hearing things (mostly in the night). All i do these days is look online about suicide ideas and proceedures etc.
I have to move out of this place by March 31st and if I dont get a reply from Housing Options about supported accommodation my worker said I'll have to go into a flat with support inside there, I also have to have alcohol and substance misuse support as when I drink I dont know when to stop.

I've been feeling so aggitated and like my head is becoming overwhelmed, I'm forgetting things and I keep checking the front door and light switches because I cant remember if I turned them off even though I just left the room.

I dont really know where to turn anymore and I'm feeling as if I'm alone, I dont know any 'healthy' coping strategies as I've tried the elastic band, red marker, chilli peppers.. I've had a lot of grief because I'm FtM and I dont make many friends because of it.. I guess I just need someone to talk to I dont know but I'm finding life daily to be a struggle.. :crying:

I'm sorry that this post is quite long.. I appreciate any replies..

Kayden xx

Comments

  • AllieAllie Posts: 235 Trailblazer
    Things are still not going that great. I'm the only young person on my side of the house and I have just been told that because of the worker on my side engaged in an argument with a YP of the other side of the house I might not be able to go in the other side anymore which means I'm going to be isolated because she couldn't keep her mouth shut!
    2 staff members I get on with really well are close to quitting because They are fed up with everything and to be honest I'm on the edge with what I can cope with. I don't know what to do I just want to curl up and cry but I'm past the crying point. :(

    Kayden xx
  • AllieAllie Posts: 235 Trailblazer
    Cant believe this was 3 years ago. Brings back so many painful memories :(
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