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My head feels... jumbled?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
these past few weeks have just been mental.
My friend who i was supporting ended up in hospital for the third time for an OD last night and i had to tell her I couldn't handle her staying with me so she's gone back to her parents now but I feel guilty. I always knew I would but i dunno.
I've taken to looking up all paracetamols in a money box and putting the keys somewhere that i can't easily get a hold of it just so that if i get the overwhelming urge to do something, it'll take quite a bit of effort to do it so I can;t do it as impulsively but it just doesn't seem right that I'm having to go to the extreme to try and keep myself safe.
I know one of my problems is needing something to do. Obviously with dropping college I'm not really do anything all day and its pretty much feeding into my depression, lazying around and not doing anything. I'm gonna speak to my social worker next week and see what she suggests I do.
I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on the 6th and I really dont want to see him but I know I need too.
My head just feels a bit all over the place and I can't quite put a finger on it and how to solve it.
I kinda feel like i'm sinking into a darker and darker pit recently.
My friend who i was supporting ended up in hospital for the third time for an OD last night and i had to tell her I couldn't handle her staying with me so she's gone back to her parents now but I feel guilty. I always knew I would but i dunno.
I've taken to looking up all paracetamols in a money box and putting the keys somewhere that i can't easily get a hold of it just so that if i get the overwhelming urge to do something, it'll take quite a bit of effort to do it so I can;t do it as impulsively but it just doesn't seem right that I'm having to go to the extreme to try and keep myself safe.
I know one of my problems is needing something to do. Obviously with dropping college I'm not really do anything all day and its pretty much feeding into my depression, lazying around and not doing anything. I'm gonna speak to my social worker next week and see what she suggests I do.
I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on the 6th and I really dont want to see him but I know I need too.
My head just feels a bit all over the place and I can't quite put a finger on it and how to solve it.
I kinda feel like i'm sinking into a darker and darker pit recently.
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Comments
Well done for reaching out on here.
I understand how hard it was for you too tell her that you couldn't handle her staying with you, but it sounds like it was what you needed. Well done for taking that step, I know it's never easy, I know you feel guilty but you need to be able to focus on yourself and getting things better for yourself.
Massive props to you for doing that with your paracetamol, that's a really huge step to do something like that. Could you give the key to someone you trust, just to prevent temptation?
Could you get yourself involved in any clubs? Maybe take up a new hobby, find something that you enjoy doing?
*hug* Keep reaching out to us on here, let us know how things go.
I'm sorry to hear about the sinking feeling you're experiencing - that sense of things spiralling can be really awful. It's so positive that you're able to pinpoint the crux of the problem though - and it's positive you're going to chat with your social worker about it.
You may also feel a bit lifted by being proactive in looking out for things you could do yourself - have you looked into any volunteering opportunities or evening courses, for example? We're happy to make some suggestions along those lines if you think it might help?
Agree with Hiccup about the paracetamol too - it takes courage to do that.
Big hugs to you.
All i want to do is curl up in a ball, cry my eyes out, fall asleep and not wake up again. Its so exhausting to keep on going. My life is literally one shitty thing after another and I can't stand it.
I really want to move back home but i know i can't without the risk of getting worse, not that I'm not already getting worse.
Part of me wants to tell someone how bad things have gotten again but then I want everyone to think things are still going well, I'd feel like a complete failure if I told someone how things are.
I've been out of hospital for all of three months now and I just feel like I'm going backwards again rather than forwards as everyone said I would once i was out.
I just don't have a clue what to do anymore.
My head is racing with thoughts that i can't get out.
Sorry you're struggling so much. You say part of you feels that you want to tell someone about how bad things are, but that you'd feel like a complete failure if they knew. I don't know what's happened in your past, but sounds like you've been through a lot, including supporting a friend who's in a really tough place at the moment. I don't think it makes you a failure at all that you're struggling.
It's really strong that you're talking about things here, and as Helen said, you sound you have a really good idea of what's going on for you. It can take strength to let someone know that you're struggling, and I'd hope that whoever you speak to would be impressed by that. People who want to help might well appreciate you letting them in as much as possible.
Recovery in any form isn't usually a straightforward getting better - it includes ups and downs. If you learn from what works each time, then you can deal with it better in the future. It sounds like you are aware and learning. So try not to feel down about how things are right now - it doesn't mean that they won't be a lot better in the future.
Would it help to write down some of your thoughts to get them out of your head? You could put them in a letter to someone, and then keep it or throw it away. Sometimes it helps just to get things out.
Let us know how you're getting on
Its really good that your thinking ahead of your current thoughts by making sure things aren't easily accessible if you was to have these thoughts. But have you thought about other things you could do? For example you could try calling Samaritans and talk through your thoughts and feelings? Equally you could try distracting yourself. If your creative you could draw, paint or write a poem. Or something that sometimes helps me is literally just writing and writing until I feel like everything's come out of my head. Even if that means repeating things a few times. I have loads of notebooks just full of crappy thoughts but it really helps.
Its really good that you are seeing your psychiatrist. Do you reckon you'll be able to open up to him about how your feeling?
Hope you're okay
I've actually managed to convince myself that I'm never going to get better and I'm going to be depressed for the rest of my life. As everyone say, I'm very alike to my mum and look at her, i can't remember a time she wasn't depressed and these thoughts only make me want to give up on even trying to get better because it doesn't seem to work.
After the whole bridge incident, I was put on zoplicone but it just makes me feel like a zombie all the time and what's the point walking about half asleep all the time? I don't want to be a zombie but I don't want to spend all night overthinking so its literally zombie or risk staying up all night making stupid decisions.
I feel like I'm losing this battle. I don't even know what to do anymore
:yes:
Some good advice, do keep talking and trying to work with any of the professionals you do have contact with. Getting your medication working for you is so important so don't be afraid to tell people if it's not feeling right. Youngmings have a good website called Headmeds which might be worth a look too.
You mention the comparisons with your mum and I just wanted to say that it's really important to remember that you're not your mum. You are your own person, with your own unique experience of life, your own strengths and inner resources. Recovering from depression isn't an easy journey but it's certainly one that can be taken with the right support *hug*
You mentioned dropping out of college and struggling with little to fill your days, in the short term perhaps that could be something to work on? Did you social worker give you any ideas?
Let us know how you're getting on.
Going to the doctors to talk about meds tomorow so getting there with that one.
Thank you, I shall keep that in mind
Social worker was looking into groups and things that I can do but not gotten very far with it
I have to make the decision whether I move away with my family and try and start all over again or stay in Scotland, by myself and continue with whatever support I'm getting here when may I add, isn't a whole lot at the moment.
I don't really want to move but I also don't want to be hours away from my family. An hour is bad enough, never mind 5.
I know moving won't help me any, but I'm only just getting used to being an hour away from my siblings after 6 months of being away and that's because I know it's an hour bus ride if I do wanna see them but if they move, I won't be able to afford to see them once a week like I do now and I'm not sure if I can handle that.
I've spent quite a few nights thinking about moving back home and I feel like this could be a fresh start but at the same time, we could all move and things will be just the same as they were before and I won't have anyone professional wise who knows how my family works and that would only add complications for me.
I wish I was 5 again and my hardest choice was what colour i should use to draw.
It can sometimes feel like life throws us nothing but crap, and Im sorry to hear you have been going through such a tough time of things. Letting people know how you're doing is a strong and brave thing to do - so I have to commend you for doing that. :yes:
Moving is such a big thing in anyone's life - with everything you have been going through - perhaps you might want to spend a bit more time thinking about what you want, and what would be best for you. You could chat this through with a social worker for instance, who could help you work towards reaching a decision that is positive and will support you?
Keep us posted with how you are getting on *hug*
Do you want to talk more about why your head feels jumbled?
Do keep reaching out here if you need to
Found out my parents and siblings will be moved by 30th Jan and the thought of being away from them really isn't helping anything.
My life just feels like a mess that can never be cleaned up.
Are you still seeing your social worker?
Huge well done for working on the distraction techniques, has there been anything that's worked well in the past for you?
Let us know how you're getting on and what's happening *hug*
Last Monday, i ended up having a big breakdown, with resulted in me smashing all my plates, police turning up and ambulance... long story short, i ended up overdosing. Since my last overdose in March, my cpn has refused to me because i am 'too ill' to work with and i couldn't wrap my head around that one. Anyway, after last Monday and having to speak to the psych team, they informed me that my cpn had reported i missed 3 appointments with her since March (I never got any appointment so you can imagine how I annoyed I was) and was in fact just about to discharge me but seeing as I'm clearly in crisis she would send a letter out for an appointment for when she comes off of holiday in 3 weeks... she said i'd have the letter by friday. It is now Monday and i have received no letter from her but tbh, i'm not even surprised. I may as well just discharge myself from her.
I haven't felt as low as i do right now in a while and the fact im still being left with no support is not helping and if she knows i'm in crisis, what does she think an appointment in 3 weeks will do?! ugh. My social worker is also on holiday which is a little inconvenient because i could do with at least one of them about hey ho, can't deprive them of their holidays for my sake.
I just wish someone would see how much i'm struggling to cope atm and actually give me some help. I tried gp, I've tried cpn, tried hospital, tried pretty much everyone i could and once again, i've been left to deal with it by myself. You would think they'd actually realise how desperate i am considering the fact i NEVER reach out for help, i normally would struggle alone and since i'm basically being ignored, its putting me off asking for help again.
Gonna stop moaning and get on with stuff.
Don't know if you've received the letter from your CPN yet or not, but if not could you maybe give her a call?
Sounds really scary when you feel alone as the support isn't helping the way it should! I hope you stand your ground with the professional though, I know it sounds difficult. But you deserve the support you want/need!
Ps. We all vent a lot on here a lot but that's perfectly acceptable! Hope it helps
I wish you all the best Nickii
had thought about calling her but she's on holiday now so there isn't much point in trying her.
thanks anyway