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Coping with loss years on

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Health & Wellbeing
I think I've made a thread regarding this before, but I can't seem to find it so I hope making this new one is okay.

Just over two years ago my best friend ended her life, a few of us knew it was going to happen as she'd told us but no matter how hard we tried to talk her out of it nothing worked.
Two years on and I'm really not over it, I'm not dealing with it well at all, I can't seem to let it go. It's always on my mind, some days it's not there as much as others, but it's always there but I need it to stop, I need it to go away. I'm not saying I need the memory of her to go away, but I need the pain and the guilt to go away.
I still blame myself for it, for not doing enough or being there for her enough, for not being a good enough friend. I can't help but think of the what ifs, what if I'd done more, what if I had been a good friend, what if I'd told someone. Maybe she'd still be alive.
I find myself not being able to turn people away anymore, I put so much pressure on myself to be there for people because I'm absolutely terrified of this happening again and it being my fault for not stopping them.
I don't know how to cope with the loss, I've kinda just been pushing it to the back of my mind but with how fucked up everything is lately I really can't cope and I don't know how to make this easier.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    One big thing I would bear in mind here is that if someone truly, 100% wants to kill themselves, they will. Her actions were hers and hers alone and it was never on anyone else to stop her. I realise it's not the easiest thing to accept that you can't always prevent harm coming to people you care about, but with self inflicted things, that is generally the case. You said yourself, no matter how hard you tried to talk her out of it nothing worked.

    It's also tough to pin blame for something on someone you care about, especially when you don't want to believe they feel a certain way or want to do a certain thing. I'm not suggesting that this is easy by any means, but it sounds like you need to work on accepting that she wanted to go when she did (as horrible as that might sound).

    One last thing. It's cliché as hell but for a reason - the past is the past and you really can't change it. Pondering over what could have been different will do you much more harm than good (if any good at all). You might beat yourself up about how you didn't do this or that, or think about all those things you said and decisions you made and wonder if any of them lead to her suicide. Whereas, the reality is that I'm sure you did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time and you can't ask more of a person than that.

    I don't have anything more constructive to say because I've never really experienced a loss (so I'm not even sure my opinion here is very valid), but I'm proud of you for reaching out about this. :yes: You've got really good self awareness with this whole situation as well.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's her birthday tomorrow and I'm so broken right now. I can't cope.
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    JamesJames Deactivated Posts: 1,706 Extreme Poster
    Hey Hiccup,

    I can only imagine how hard today must be for you - it sounds like it's bringing up a load of pretty horrible feelings, many of which never seemed to have gone away and still feel fresh. It also seems like you're expecting quite a lot of yourself. Two years isn't really that long, so it's totally understandable if it still feels raw.

    Mike's point above is a good one - even though it sounds like you're feeling guilty, her actions are not on you. As frustrating and upsetting as it can be, we can't control what other people do.

    But of course you don't have to be okay and we're here to help in whatever way we can :)

    How are you doing today?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I feel like shit and I just want to curl up and cry. I've been at work all morning but managed to leave early, I just can't cope. I can't forgive myself.

    I miss her so much.

    I don't want to be here right now
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I spent a lot of last night reading the poetry she'd written, looking over her social media accounts, reading articles from when she died.. I just can't cope. I miss her so much. I don't know what to do to make this better
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's coming up to 3 years.. 33 days to be exact.
    I'm not over it and it's definitely not any easier to cope with, I don't know what to do or how to fix any of this.
    I want to go back in time and change this, so she'd still be alive, I'd rather her be alive and myself not. I can't cope, I'm so broken and this is never going to get any better. I'm sorry I wasn't a good friend, I'm sorry I couldn't stop you. I'm sorry I didn't try hard enough
    I want to make it stop, I want things to be okay again, but they never will be.
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    TheMixTheMix Posts: 3,040 Boards Guru
    Hey Hiccup,

    So sorry you're having such a hard time with all these emotions :( I guess managing grief isn't about fixing it but about finding a way to live around it, it will always be a part of you and your life but in time the pain you feel when you think of what happened to her can lessen. You weren't to blame for what happened.

    Do you have any plans to remember her on the anniversary this year?

    What do you think about Tamsinjo's suggestions about counselling?

    *hug*

    -Jo7
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