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Rant - mentions self harm * could be triggering*
I have no idea what exactly this moan is going to involve but there's an awful lot just really stressing me out right now and I need to let it all out. I don't know where to start though. I feel like there isn't much I can say apart from no matter how hard I try, with absolutely any situation, I make no progress whatsoever and I'm getting to that point where I want to stop trying again. I want to cut myself because I like, need and deserve that pain but I lost my fucking blade. And yes I know, I should regularly change blades anyway so that I'm keeping cuts as clean as possible but no, I don't like change and I really don't give a crap about clean cuts. Losing my blade when I'm in serious need of that coping method is shit. I have alcohol but despite liking how it makes me feel, it's unhealthy in terms of cals, and I don't fucking want that at all but obviously I'm just so weak. I've got a huge amount of pressure just weighing me down but I'm getting to the point now where I just can't at all be bothered to even try and relieve that but what the fuck does that matter? I'm starting to doubt who I am. I'm so alone but like I give a crap. It's always so much easier to do whatever without considering the consequences and I should just start living my life like that. I feel like back pain is getting worse. Right knee is massively bruised and swollen which is weird. Left knee is a little swollen. I'm sick of feeling like I'm going to puke everyday. I absolutely hate never being able to sleep properly. What the fuck is that about? I just want to overdose in the hope that it relieves all physical pain, all emotional pain and also sends me to sleep, and I really couldn't care less how long for. I have fuck all left to overdose with though. There are a few more issues that I'm having to try and deal with but I can't talk about them for other reasons. But everything is just never ending. It's all just one massive cycle. I get to a point where I think something positive in my mind might be there, gosh knows what, it's just waiting to force it's way out when the time is right and I'll just know but no. I'm always wrong so I'm just going to give up with holding on to what may or may not be positives. I hate that I'm posting something so muddled and with no paragraphs, but I feel so muddled.