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Emotional Baggage - what's yours?

Danny!Danny! Deactivated Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
This short article and quiz talks about emotional baggage - the things that we bring to new relationships from past ones. It says that everyone has emotional baggage. But that if we can recognise these patterns then we don’t have to let them shape our current relationships.

What do you think? Is it inevitable that we bring emotional baggage to new relationships? Can you leave your baggage at the door, or does it always follow you?

The article also has a quick quiz on your expectations about relationships. If you’d like, please share your score and mention any thoughts you have on the question.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think some emotions are inevitable ad you may have had problem in the past that you are concerned may happen in this relationship.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think finding middle ground is the name of the game - I have a load of baggage from my childhood and a fair bit from previous relationships but i think it's so incredibly important (but hard!) to not project past stuff onto other people and situations
  • Danny!Danny! Deactivated Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
    Miss_Riot wrote: »
    I think finding middle ground is the name of the game - I have a load of baggage from my childhood and a fair bit from previous relationships but i think it's so incredibly important (but hard!) to not project past stuff onto other people and situations

    Do you have any tips you could share on avoiding projecting past stuff onto other people and situations?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Danny! wrote: »
    What do you think? Is it inevitable that we bring emotional baggage to new relationships? Can you leave your baggage at the door, or does it always follow you?

    I don't think it's absolutely unavoidable but I do think it would take an awful lot of very hard work to get to a place where emotional baggage is no longer a problem - I feel you can sometimes learn from experiences and relationships in such a positive way that it eventually becomes an advantage, no longer baggage, and as an outcome you could also use that to help your partner learn positive things too. I guess you'd have to be in a great place yourself to get to that point. I could be completely wrong though, it's just an opinion I have - maybe even a hope.

    Personally, my first serious relationship turned out horribly and I don't think I'll ever completely get over that so yes I probably will always have some emotional baggage but equally I feel like I learnt a lot about love and about relationships in general and I wouldn't want to change that.

    I guess I'm still learning and I think the most important thing is trying not to compare anything - it's important to remember that no relationship will ever be exactly the same, we're all different people with different personalities, different ways of dealing with things, different experiences that they would also be bringing to the relationship and communication really is absolute key.

    Comparing with your past relationships might end up heightening or lowering your own expectations so I think it's important to really think about your realistic needs and hopes, it's important to know what you want because without that you have no chance.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think butterfly does make a good point about learning and how every relationship will be different.
  • Danny!Danny! Deactivated Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
    I think Butterfly makes several good points :) I like the point about positive baggage:
    I feel you can sometimes learn from experiences and relationships in such a positive way that it eventually becomes an advantage, no longer baggage, and as an outcome you could also use that to help your partner learn positive things too. I guess you'd have to be in a great place yourself to get to that point. I could be completely wrong though, it's just an opinion I have - maybe even a hope.

    We always carry our previous relationships with us, so we often have some difficult things to carry. But we also come with all the good things we've learned - when people have loved us, supported us, made an effort, considered us; we come to a relationship with all this positive baggage too.

    So maybe the way forward is to try and work out what baggage we're bringing to a relationship, and not to let it weigh too heavily, but being able to value the positive things we bring as well?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Danny! wrote: »
    Do you have any tips you could share on avoiding projecting past stuff onto other people and situations?

    Tbh, I'm still working on that one myself so I certainly don't have all the answers on this one, but I think its important to be honest about stuff with your partner and check things out - for instance my mother's first language is BSL as her parents were Deaf so to someone who doesn't sign very much some of her reactions might seem OTT but to Deaf people and BSL users it would seem very normal. I manage to not project too much onto MrRiot and I think that comes with time and practice, being self aware and taking responsiblity of how you act in the here and now and not blaming everything on past crap.
  • Danny!Danny! Deactivated Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
    Miss_Riot wrote: »
    Tbh, I'm still working on that one myself so I certainly don't have all the answers on this one, but I think its important to be honest about stuff with your partner and check things out - for instance my mother's first language is BSL as her parents were Deaf so to someone who doesn't sign very much some of her reactions might seem OTT but to Deaf people and BSL users it would seem very normal. I manage to not project too much onto MrRiot and I think that comes with time and practice, being self aware and taking responsiblity of how you act in the here and now and not blaming everything on past crap.

    It's really good that you're able to limit how much you project onto MrRiot, and to take responsibility for yourself in the present. It's not easy and, like you say, takes time and practice. I'm not sure anyone ever gets there 100%, but it's a really worthwhile thing to work towards.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think we all have some degree of emotional baggage we would be liars to say we didn't what happens in the past makes us the people we are today
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