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Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm pissed off. I'm trying to starve as much as I can and it's evidently not working but apparently my ways are wrong. Fine, so tell me that and tell my why, rather than acting like I'm literally stupid for not knowing how to damage myself properly. I don't even know why I bother trying sometimes. Pricks. Rant over.
I'm disgusting and I hate me but I'm failing at doing something about it. The amount of alcohol I consume isn't helping. Apparently the bouts of starvation I go through mean I'm going to end up gaining weight. I cannot eat three meals and drink plenty before anyone suggests that. It's as though my mind is in two different places and I cancel out what I want with what I feel I need to have. I know I'm stuck in a cycle but knowing I'm getting nowhere is making me so fucking angry. URGH.
I'm disgusting and I hate me but I'm failing at doing something about it. The amount of alcohol I consume isn't helping. Apparently the bouts of starvation I go through mean I'm going to end up gaining weight. I cannot eat three meals and drink plenty before anyone suggests that. It's as though my mind is in two different places and I cancel out what I want with what I feel I need to have. I know I'm stuck in a cycle but knowing I'm getting nowhere is making me so fucking angry. URGH.
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I just wanted to write you a little note and say that it sounds like you are having a rough time - ranting is good - it helps get the frustration out.
Im sorry to hear you are feeling angry and pissed off, just wanted to let you know if you feel like that - then letting us know and sharing what you're going through is so much better than keeping it locked inside. :yes:
I wanted to send you big hugs too - *hug* Thinking of you
x
I think this is one of my issues that really gets to me the most. I'm literally huge and I feel like I've tried absolutely everything but nothing works I don't know if it's because of so much alcohol consumption, I don't know if it's because people are right and the starvation means I'm gaining in the long run, I don't know if it's because of the amount of tea I drink. I'm still failing even though this sort of thing is massively encouraged somewhere and that pisses me off. I'm annoyed at myself for not being extreme. I want to do something that would cause an incredible amount of pain in order to look at least bearable physically which obviously I won't do but that doesn't mean I don't want to. I fucking hate it.
great news that you're trying to give up drinking. you are obviously struggling with your weight and that's sad. but thesite isn't suitable for some sort of starvation diary, it's triggering to others and just not acceptable really.
could you try and get help with your eating? pointless question I know but you dont deserve this much pain x
As firey says, detailing how you are restricting yourself from food could be triggering for other members so I've edited that out of your last post. You're absolutely welcome to talk about how all of this is making you feel and it sounds like it's really hard right now *hug*
These thoughts about your weight are taking over and you mention that you're getting some negative advice from elsewhere about how to do more harm to yourself? You absolutely don't deserve the pain you're causing your body and we'd encourage you to steer clear from any sites or sources that are advising on weight loss in an unhealthy way. They are written often by people who are extremely unwell.
Your body is an incredible thing, it allows you to see beauty in the world, to play with your nephew, to think and feel and to do all kinds of amazing things. I wonder if it might help to try and see your body as your friend rather than your enemy?
If I remember rightly I think you may have contacted beat in the past - would you consider doing so again?
Finally, you mentioned it feels like your mind is in two places, could you tell us a bit more about what that's like?
There's a game my nephew only likes me to play with him and he will literally grab my hand and drag to where we need to be to play it. I have to run off kicking the ball when he drops it and he chases, full on laughing, until he manages to catch the ball, then when he runs off with the ball in his hand, I have to chase him and pick him up and he just laughs - then we do it all again, and again, and again.
I've only recently started this new lack of absolutely everything routine and I'm hoping to keep adding to it step by step but for now the pain I often get is bearable, but when I play that game with my nephew, the pain or sickness will get so much worse and I can't do anything. But my nephew will keep asking and I try to keep playing but eventually I'll get to a point where I just tell him no and he hates it.
It makes me feel horrible, so useless and mean. What if he starts thinking I don't love him? What if he starts not loving me as much as he does? I wish I could do absolutely anything for him forever but I'm so selfish. I also want to travel so much more without feeling faint or sick but even with all of that, I hate being fat and that upsets me the most, which probably makes me sound even more selfish.
Yeah, I did contact beat but never replied. I would contact them again but I know I'd be wasting their time.
It feels like my mind is in two places because I absolutely want and need alcohol to survive other things but I want to be thin so I can't have alcohol. So I hate feeling like this, I hate having to choose. I want to feel okay being fat so that I can have alcohol to get me through other emotion, but I want to not need or want alcohol. So I want to feel better altogether but I'm not willing to take steps, which makes me realise I don't really want to feel better altogether. So many thoughts and cycles
As you explain, it sounds like this is how you really do feel about yourself at the moment and so you allow yourself to say these hurtful things to yourself. I wonder though if you're really being fair?
Our thoughts can be really overwhelming but they don't always tie up with what's rational and with our innermost feelings which is why it can leave you feeling so confused and frustrated like you're having this internal battle with yourself.
Allowing yourself a cup of tea certainly isn't selfish or failing or wrong. It's a 'normal' day to day thing and depriving yourself of that sounds like it's upsetting for you
You mentioned you'd like to feel better, to be 'normal' - I wonder what a better and 'normal' butterfly would be like to you? How would she be different? Rather than jumping to the worries about how you might get there or what that might involve, how about just sitting with that feeling, that you would like to feel better. Give that some air time
I understand that taking steps to get support can feel futile and pointless and scary and the mountain can seem like it's way too tall to climb so why bother setting out on the path at all right? I wonder if it might help to think of it the other way around, what have you got to lose?
As Miss Riot says you don't deserve to be so cruel to yourself and your future is something that you do have control over and deserve to find a way forward that isn't so full of pain *hug*
I want to be completely happy at least sometimes. I know I have people and things I should be grateful for and I am but I barely ever show that I'm grateful because I'm always too wrapped up in my own messed up head. Better would mean being happy for the most part just because. Normal would mean focussing on the good more than the bad, having thoughts and feelings that I should have rather than the overwhelming ones that I do have, etc.
Exactly this. I'd lose everything though. All of this is because I'm fat and If I seek help then I know people would say I'm being unhealthy and would force me to eat meals every single day. The thought of eating even one meal genuinely terrifies me. I remember my birthday meal, a situation where I absolutely had to try and eat something - I panicked so much that I caused myself to become physically poorly. I had pain and I kept having to go to the bathroom because I thought I was going to throw up. I couldn't eat. Getting support means having to eat something and people forcing food down my throat would make me even worse. Nobody would understand. I can't.
I want this anyway - something has to work eventually. I know I keep contradicting everything I say but it's really hard to explain exactly how I'm thinking. It really makes me angry with myself. I hate it.
I love my friends so of course I'd disagree because I recognise their lovely qualities but equally I wouldn't be questioning them like you're questioning me. I feel how I feel and I can't help it. I'm fat - fact. I'm pathetic - fact. I'm a failure - fact. I'm stupid - fact. One person has called me stupid and he had good reason actually. I also think it's pretty obvious I'm such a terrible person, hence the reason most of my family hate my guts nowadays. That's pretty strong evidence I think.
I can see I'm fat every time I look in the mirror - everything about me is hideous. I do not want to have that number flying around my mind all day everyday. I am aiming for results first. No I haven't spoken to my GP and I won't. It's not an option.
I don't even know why I posted about this. I'm not willing to get support but equally I'm not wanting encouragement. I know I'm fucked up in some way but I also know for a fact that I am fat.
I'm done trying to figure things out.
*hug*
" So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
'' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
I'm okay thank you
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" So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
'' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "