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Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm sick to death of having to try and fight all of these consuming issues that keep piling up. It's as though a little part of my soul dies each day and over time it's becoming this numb yet intense pain that I have to attempt to ignore and it's an incredibly hard thing to do.
Sometimes I feel empty, like I'm existing but I'm not entirely here. That's when my mind becomes so clear and when particular things become so final for no exact reason. But at the same time I know I'm not completely empty because I still feel that raw pain and I still experience the same thoughts that race around my mind every single minute of every day.
When I am numb I feel as though I'm calm in a way. I know that's a ridiculous thing to say especially when I can't explain what I mean. I guess it's the finality and clearness of those numbing moments that bring the calm but I'm not certain.
I could explain what's going on, I could moan about the issues that are playing so much on my mind but overall I think all of them come down to the fact that I'm such a terrible person.
I've gone along with damaging stuff, I've encouraged negative stuff, I've caused problems myself, I've made things worse because of how I've reacted to certain situations. The list goes on and has done throughout my entire life so I know I completely deserve to feel the way I'm feeling right now but that doesn't make it any easier to try and deal with.
I have no energy, I have no motivation, I have nothing. There's nothing left of me except the messed up, negative and horrible personality that I possess. It's as clear as day.
I'm useless, I'm weak, I'm dumb, I'm a bitch, I'm no good at anything at all. I genuinely don't understand why some people care about me and I don't know why I'm still existing. It's not like I ever do anything good or right.
Nobody needs to try and reassure me or advise me. I tend to come up with excuses anyway so don't waste your time. Originally I was after some sort of answers but, after droning on for a bit, I've realised I'm way too far gone.
Sometimes I feel empty, like I'm existing but I'm not entirely here. That's when my mind becomes so clear and when particular things become so final for no exact reason. But at the same time I know I'm not completely empty because I still feel that raw pain and I still experience the same thoughts that race around my mind every single minute of every day.
When I am numb I feel as though I'm calm in a way. I know that's a ridiculous thing to say especially when I can't explain what I mean. I guess it's the finality and clearness of those numbing moments that bring the calm but I'm not certain.
I could explain what's going on, I could moan about the issues that are playing so much on my mind but overall I think all of them come down to the fact that I'm such a terrible person.
I've gone along with damaging stuff, I've encouraged negative stuff, I've caused problems myself, I've made things worse because of how I've reacted to certain situations. The list goes on and has done throughout my entire life so I know I completely deserve to feel the way I'm feeling right now but that doesn't make it any easier to try and deal with.
I have no energy, I have no motivation, I have nothing. There's nothing left of me except the messed up, negative and horrible personality that I possess. It's as clear as day.
I'm useless, I'm weak, I'm dumb, I'm a bitch, I'm no good at anything at all. I genuinely don't understand why some people care about me and I don't know why I'm still existing. It's not like I ever do anything good or right.
Nobody needs to try and reassure me or advise me. I tend to come up with excuses anyway so don't waste your time. Originally I was after some sort of answers but, after droning on for a bit, I've realised I'm way too far gone.
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What's going on?
I feel like all I ever do is cause upset or hurt. Most of the time I genuinely feel like I have good intentions but then when it's too late I realise I've been such an idiot - how on earth is encouraging such negative stuff done with good intent? Maybe I'm lying to myself? Maybe I'm actually trying to be a malicious cow? Maybe this behaviour has become so normal now that I'm trying to tell myself wholeheartedly that it's okay?
But then there are times when I let such damaging stuff go, things happen that cause me a lot of upset, things happen that shatter trust but I try my absolute hardest to not show that I'm upset because I don't want to make someone feel guilty. I cannot stress how hard it is to act like I'm completely fine with something that I'm not at all fine with, it's hard to act indifferent when inside I am screaming, when really I want to yell, I want to cry, I want to lash out and be clear that it's not fucking okay at all.
But maybe I should be okay with it, maybe I deserve it - it could just be revenge.
So much is piling up, so much. I have no energy to release it in the way I know best. I want to cut, gosh I want to cut with my whole existence but I simply cannot gather up the energy to even pick my blade up and even if I could, the thought of having to put in the effort to hide my cuts seems extremely tiring in itself.
So what now? Just sit here and cry forever?
I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of the raw emotional pain, I'm tired of the horrible situations I am forever getting myself into, I'm tired of causing hurt, I'm tired of the physical pain that isn't self-inflicted, I'm tired of lacking energy and motivation, I'm tired of being tired.
I hate that I have no energy to cut - I'm drinking more than I used to as that's taking over the role cutting always played because I can't do it, I can't be bothered to cut.
But I can be bothered to buy alcohol and then go to buy more every time I run out. It doesn't make sense.
I feel so weak. I feel so horrible. I'm at the beginning stages of feeling really poorly. I feel like I'm becoming weaker in every way possible as the days go on and I don't know how much more I can take. I think I've reached my limit.
I've tried to avoid posting again because I realise I just drone but I'm struggling, I'm really struggling
I am sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment *hug* You don't drone at all, I think it's good that you are able to get your feelings out on here and that it helps.
From reading your thread it sounds like you are going through a tough time and finding things very difficult is there someone for you to speak to?
We are here for you so keep talking and please don't feel that you have to avoid writing. *hug*
purple_rain
I don't deserve kindness and I can be rather dramatic at times so it's not important anyway
I want to run away. I've done it once before and everyone went into utter meltdown, it was crazy. But I'm old enough now to fuck off for however long if I want to, surely I can do that without anyone worrying so much? It could be a starting point.
I wish I felt numb. But no, instead I feel every negative emotion and I feel it so strongly. It's really overwhelming, all of it - the thoughts, the feelings, the experiences. I hate crying but I wish that the tears would rid of my feelings, wash them away so to speak, even just for an hour at least.
What hurts the most is that I deserve all of this. In the most messed up way possible I essentially asked for all of this.
I wanted to get more stuff out but can't be bothered emotionally right now so I'll do it later. Forever moaning because that's the selfish person I am.
I just wanted to drop in and write something to you, I read through your posts and I really feel for you. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and as you said 'there are so many reasons, it's hard to pick one.'
I know you're CBA about writing how you feel at the minute, but I just wanted to reassure you that we are here for you, and will try and help out, even if you just need a listening ear, then we're around :yes:
It's not selfish to have a moan and rant, it's perfectly normal and can help relieve some emotional build up in a healthy way. You take your time and when you feel like you can, let us know how you're getting on *hug* loads of hugs to you
Tam x
I get the sense that you have a story you'd like to tell but you're tired, scared perhaps and worried about where it might go? You mention you don't like to cry?
Running away may seem appealing but even though you're an adult, to disappear without warning is something that will cause your family and friends a lot of distress and concern. You're a caring person and so dealing with their reactions on top of whatever it is you're running away from is probably going to put you in a really vulnerable situation.
You mention that you don't want to talk to anyone in your life, but that you do feel able to talk here. We're really glad you can do that :yes:
Being able to talk and to trust is really really hard sometimes but coping alone sounds like it's hard too.
In some ways the biggest push of strength in anyone's journey to help is that initial moment when you finally let someone in. None of us are expected to cope on our own and we'e certainly here to do what we can to help you butterfly.
*hug*
I'm exhausted. I eventually attempted to try and sleep at some point this morning and I did manage to drift off for a bit but then all day today I've just been lay in bed in the silence stuck with my mind. I've finally managed to force myself to go down stairs - have grabbed a drink because I'm feeling a little sick. Disappearing seems so easy compared to all of this. I'm not coping and either way it seems like the thing I should do - I just hate that I can't do it unnoticed.
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" So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
'' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
I'm here for you Bean! - It can be difficult debating what you want to say to people and what you don't, even those close to you. However, it's OKAY to let it all out, and it's okay to talk, it's okay to express that emotion. You've been through so much Butterfly, and you're still here fighting everyday, and I'm so proud of you, you have such a great ordeal of strength and I know many others on here are proud of you to.
It's about taking it one step at a time though, why do you want to keep whats going on to yourself? Do you know what's stopping you from just letting it all out? You also mentioned you were scared, would you be able to tell us a bit more about what you're scared off?
Keep going Bean, I love you
As Whispers said, letting your emotions out it okay you say you want to cry, but you feel angry at yourself for it. What might it be like to talk to yourself with some compassion? To let yourself cry because you need to and to accept that you need to? That in fact it can be okay to cry.
I guess I'm asking what does crying mean to you?
*hug*