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Obsessive focus.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'll often have thoughts about things that I feel might be inevitable, my mind will wander so much and it's as if I try to plan in serious detail exactly what will happen in a certain situation. I can't sometimes and I hate it, it makes me feel so angry with myself.

I also seem to be focussing on self-hate - I don't really know what to say. I'm set on who I am, I know I'm selfish, I know I'm awful, I know I'm crazy, I know I'm fat, the list really does go on and I think it might be as though I'm trying to change all of these facts but failing because I feel like I'm just getting worse, so I'm becoming more obsessed with trying to change, but equally I'm becoming more aware that I can't change anything because I'm getting no-where so I guess I'm trying accept who I am but I really fucking hate myself.

It's a never ending downward cycle and I genuinely feel like my mind literally cannot hold any more but equally it's like I'm choosing to be so negative.

I don't know reality apart from what my reality seems to have become and I hate that I can't figure out why - that's another thing I'm obsessing with, trying to figure out where I went wrong, what caused me to become so messed up? Why am I not normal?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You may think I'm missing the point of your post, so apologies.

    But what do you do? Do you work at all? Volunteer? Do you have any hobbies? How do you spend your time?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's okay. I often do child minding or I'll babysit my nephew, in terms of productivity that's probably it but I like to walk the dog and I often walk to town, I'll spend days with my sister. I lack so much energy so I hate just leaving my room - I only really go out for selfish reasons.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey there Butterfly :wave:

    Reading your thread makes me just want to give you a big *hug*

    Have you every gone to speak to your GP about how you have been feeling? It sounds like you are locked into a cycle of giving yourself a hard time, and have a hard-to-shake negative view of yourself - does that sound right? It may help to speak to a professional - who can reassure you that what you're feeling can be managed - and there are people and services out there who are ready and willing to support you.

    Have you ever chatted to your family, perhaps your sister, about how you feel? It might help you to let someone know what you are dealing with. :yes: It can be very hard to break out of a cycle of negativity, and it tends to colour everything we see and everything we do. If our mind is always concerned with the bad, then everywhere we look, we will be on the look out for the bad things - and sometimes miss out the good - if that makes sense?

    Im sure you might have already heard of this, but have you tried writing down a couple of things at the end of each day - that you are grateful for? it can help re-focus your mind on something that isn't negative...so an example would be - being grateful for having a lovely nephew in your life, or being blessed with sister. It's a small thing but it might help you.

    Keep letting us know how you are - we're here for you *hug*
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