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Can't deal with these thoughts anymore
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Before anyone jumps on me, no I'm not going to do anything. I just can't deal with the thought of wanting to do it.
I have a huge amount of guilt on my shoulders at the moment because of what I said last week. On one hand I'm happy I said it because I could have helped countless children. On the other hand I feel guilty because if this doesn't go any further (just like last time) I will feel like I haven't done enough to help them.
This is going to sound so selfish but ever since I blurted it all out the flashbacks are worse then before. I can constantly see those other children. One of which I held her hand whilst it was happening. She asked me to help her. I didn't do that. I didn't pick her up and take away from the horrors that was going on there. I just held her hand, too scared to do anything else. Its wrong. Really wrong. I should have done more to help that little girl and all the others that I saw. But I didn't. Selfish selfish selfish. All because I was too scared about what was going to happen to me? What an idiot I am. I'm disgusted in myself.
All this is making me want to do stuff, which I'm not going to do - can I just make that clear. But its making me miserable. I spoke to my mentor at college today just saying that the flashbacks were bad. She told me I needed to stop letting them get to me. Oh okaym I'll just turn the switch off shall I?! Pfft. Don't you think if it was that easy I would have done it by now? Does she think I want to remember what happened to me? Well I don't. I don't want to feel guilty because of the things I didn't do. I don't want to remember all the horrid things that happened. And I don't want to continue to be scared of leaving my front door in case I bump into one of them again. People don't get that though
I have a huge amount of guilt on my shoulders at the moment because of what I said last week. On one hand I'm happy I said it because I could have helped countless children. On the other hand I feel guilty because if this doesn't go any further (just like last time) I will feel like I haven't done enough to help them.
This is going to sound so selfish but ever since I blurted it all out the flashbacks are worse then before. I can constantly see those other children. One of which I held her hand whilst it was happening. She asked me to help her. I didn't do that. I didn't pick her up and take away from the horrors that was going on there. I just held her hand, too scared to do anything else. Its wrong. Really wrong. I should have done more to help that little girl and all the others that I saw. But I didn't. Selfish selfish selfish. All because I was too scared about what was going to happen to me? What an idiot I am. I'm disgusted in myself.
All this is making me want to do stuff, which I'm not going to do - can I just make that clear. But its making me miserable. I spoke to my mentor at college today just saying that the flashbacks were bad. She told me I needed to stop letting them get to me. Oh okaym I'll just turn the switch off shall I?! Pfft. Don't you think if it was that easy I would have done it by now? Does she think I want to remember what happened to me? Well I don't. I don't want to feel guilty because of the things I didn't do. I don't want to remember all the horrid things that happened. And I don't want to continue to be scared of leaving my front door in case I bump into one of them again. People don't get that though
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I am sorry you feel that way.I really am.I do understand all too well this feeling.
You were scared and was thinking of yourself when that happened, that is okay.You could not habe done more than what you did without causing more trouble.I know its hard but you need to try to distract yourself from thinking about that.
Habe you considered going to the GP yet so that you can getnsome professional help and start to feel more better?
We have had problems yes, but I am here for you too xx
And please can people stop mentioning the GP. I'm not going
I dont know how you can do that.I dont even know how to distract myself from all the bad in my life!That is why I am suggesting a GP ad they WILL be able to offer you more help and support, which is what you need and deserve.I am only tring to help you x
Its okay.You dont have to share them on here if you dont want to.How about a local walk in centre?x
Hi Becki,
I just wanted to say well done for getting your feelings out here. Do you find it helps to write things down?
It sounds like you're tackling this feeling of guilt and that can't be easy. As I mentioned in chat last night, all we can ever expect of ourselves is to do what we can in the moment. From what I have seen of you on here you are far from selfish - you regularly give your time to help others and the fact that you held this little girl's hand and didn't leave her is a strong and caring thing to do. It's not entirely clear what the situation was but I certainly get the sense it was one full of fear, for both of you. It's understandable that recalling it has stirred up all this emotion for you.
I wonder if recounting this experience may have re-traumatised you to an extent? The flashbacks mean that it's brought this experience right back into the forefront of your mind and that's hard to cope with.
I can also hear hope in your post - you sound determined in that you want to find a way forward. You're not ready to speak to a GP or someone face to face yet (these are good suggestions Angelface by the way but it sounds like Becki isn't quite ready for them yet).
In fact you have made a fantastic first step in talking to your mentor, even if their response was pretty rubbish!! You deserve a pat on the back for doing that. Take things at your own pace, do what you can to work on strategies to help you cope with your flashbacks and when you're ready we'll be here to listen and help you think about what your next steps might be.
Until then, feel free to vent *hug*
It was a bit helpful yeah but was in tears when I wrote this thread and had no where else the rant about it so thought I'd bother everyone on TS.
Yeah about chat last night... Sorry... That's all I'm gonna say cause I know we're not supposed to take stuff out of chat (to be fair its my own stuff not mentioning anyone else's) but yeah. Sorry for handling stuff like I did.
I had to do that so many times, holding girls hands, but this one sticks out. And another one. This other girl was around 10 maybe, she was still young. They said it was her first time and my heart dropped. I remember my first time and how scared I was. I couldn't begin to imagine how she was feeling. I had to watch them do stuff to her. It was awful
What do you me about re-traumatising ? Don't get it.
Thanks again
*hug*