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Trapped

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I've been depressed for about 2 years now, there is no one I can talk to and I feel so trappe, I've never been suicidal but it's still ruining my life, my friendships, my relationships and stuff at school.

It started when I was a lot younger. These girls used to tell me every day that I was ugly and alone, they'd push me and hit me, once they even spat on me. Up until very recently I have had huge problems with my self esteem, I felt so ugly and worthless, I hated myself. I moved countries about a year or two after the bullying stopped, it took a very long time but i was eventually able to tell my friends about the bullying, they really helped with my self esteem but I could never tell them everything.

Meeting my boyfriend completely changed the way I saw myself, from about a year before I met him depression was taking over my life. I felt empty and alone, nothing was good I couldn't be happy about anything. After that I really changed the way I saw myself I'm the way I looked, I actually thought my depression was gone for good and maybe it was just a phase.

But recently things have been getting really bad again. Instead of hating the way I look now I just hate myself, my personality disgusts me. My friends always tell me I'm so negative and it's always bringing them down, I try to be positive but I cant, and I try so hard but they don't understand. I shut my boyfriend out and it's ruining our relationship, I can't explain to him that the things he says have such a big effect on me. My parents don't understand mental illness. My dads dad was skitzofrenic, he left their family when my dad was young, he never forgave him, my cousin on my mums side was admitted to hospital with depression, they blamed it on drugs. I was jealous because he was getting the help I want so badly.

It's ruining everything, I feel like I'm falling back into this big black hole that I just got out of, I feel so trapped because there is NO ONE I can talk to. I don't want people to see me differently, as weak or damaged, I nver told my parents about the bullying. My form tutor at school makes it clear he doesn't like me, he'd think I wanted attention and the school psycologidt offers open sessions to talk about anything, that she bills your parents for afterwards.

I feel so stuck, I don't know what to do

Comments

  • Danny!Danny! Deactivated Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
    Hi Malika

    Welcome to the boards :) This is a really good place to talk about some of the things you need to - well done for getting it out. It sounds like you have a good awareness of where your depression comes from and some of the things that it leads you to do, which is a really good start.

    You do seem to have a very negative image of yourself at the moment, but that is something that you can work on. There's an article here with some tips on improving self esteem, would you be able to have a go at some of them and see if they help?

    It's a shame that your school psychologist would bill your parents. There are lots of other support services available though. For example, the Mind Infoline can offer emotional support and information on places to get support in the UK. Are you in the UK at the moment? It sounds like you'd really appreciate some more support, so it's worth looking into what's around. We can help you with that.

    I did notice that you expect people to see you negatively if you tell them about being bullied at school. I know a lot of people feel like that. But bullying happens to a lot of people (4,500 young people talked to ChildLine about online bullying last year alone). Being bullied says a lot more about the bully than the person being bullied. It doesn't make you weak - it takes a lot more strength to deal with being bullied than to bully someone. I think a lot of people might share your experience, maybe it would be good to start a thread about it here?

    Keep talking :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you, it means so much that you took the time to reply and you seem to understand. I am not living in the UK at the moment, I'm living in the Netherlands, which makes things a bit more difficult becuase most services are for UK residents. But thank you so much for replying
  • Danny!Danny! Deactivated Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
    You're welcome :) I know most services advertise as for UK residents, and that does make it more difficult. But a lot of them have online services, and I think it's quite possible that you could find support there as well as here. If they do raise it as an issue, it might help to explain your situation regarding where you live.

    If you?re 18 or under, ChildLine have set of support options including email and 1-2-1 chat with a counsellor. They also have information on bullying. You can also email the Mind Infoline at info@mind.org.uk .

    Ask a bit more here too :)
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