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child minding.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I have quite a lot of already planned days of child minding coming up this month and next but I haven't even got through this week yet and I don't think I can.
Life really is so tough right now and I feel like the responsibility of looking after a child who does need a lot of attention is just going to stress me out. He's such a polite little boy and he's lovely, he's so passionate about life and the little things that he loves. That's great, I'm glad he's such a happy child and I love how he enjoys spending his time trying to share all of that with the people he cares about.
I just really can't socialize. I feel like utter crap all of the time and I'm such a negative cow. I literally can't do anything other than moan, that's all I do right now, that's all I want to do. I can't even gather up the energy to self-harm. How the heck am I supposed to make myself go and be a responsible, positive and kind person for even one day? Let alone many days.
I know I've felt reluctant in the past and that it did turn out okay - I did push myself, I was responsible, I was sociable. I didn't feel this bad then though, I didn't feel this desperate.
Is it even worth risking? Is it even worth a try? I feel as though I'm almost creating false hope that I can be someone they could rely on because reality is I'm not at all and I think this thread proves that.
Life really is so tough right now and I feel like the responsibility of looking after a child who does need a lot of attention is just going to stress me out. He's such a polite little boy and he's lovely, he's so passionate about life and the little things that he loves. That's great, I'm glad he's such a happy child and I love how he enjoys spending his time trying to share all of that with the people he cares about.
I just really can't socialize. I feel like utter crap all of the time and I'm such a negative cow. I literally can't do anything other than moan, that's all I do right now, that's all I want to do. I can't even gather up the energy to self-harm. How the heck am I supposed to make myself go and be a responsible, positive and kind person for even one day? Let alone many days.
I know I've felt reluctant in the past and that it did turn out okay - I did push myself, I was responsible, I was sociable. I didn't feel this bad then though, I didn't feel this desperate.
Is it even worth risking? Is it even worth a try? I feel as though I'm almost creating false hope that I can be someone they could rely on because reality is I'm not at all and I think this thread proves that.
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Comments
Firstly - if you are feeling like you aren't up to committing yourself to so many childminding days, perhaps you could contact the little boy's mum and let them know you are double-booked and you might not be able to help out as much as you had initially planned? Things do come up and peoples plans change, and this way, with fewer days booked in, you might feel the pressure come off you a bit more.
As you said, you're finding a few things tough at the minute, and looking after a child can be super exhausting, so perhaps it's not a good idea for you to spend so much time doing something that may require a lot of energy on your side? There's nothing wrong with taking some time for yourself :yes: It could be the thing to help you out, and sometimes - me included, you cant be bothered socialising, or really doing anything. Have you thought about doing something really nice and relaxing like pampering yourself?
I sometimes have a read through tiny buddha's articles, I don't know if you have seen them before, but they are really encouraging and nicely written. I like the ideas in them, so if you fancy having a little look - you can find one about being good to yourself here: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/what-self-love-means-20-ways-be-good-to-yourself/
If you find you can gather the strength to socialise, then go for it - but only if you feel up to it. Sometimes we do social things and go in with low expectations, only for it to turn out a lot better than expected :yes:
It sounds like you have a negative view of yourself, you mentioned you think that you're not someone people could rely on - Im sure this isn't the case, I've noticed your comments around TheSite and from what you say, it sounds like you care a lot about others and that's a fab thing :thumb:
I feel so bad for wanting to back out. I don't feel up to it but maybe I should just force myself because that's the right thing to do.
I'm worried I could get so stressed out that I shout at him and I certainly don't want that - he would never deserve that and he's always so well behaved. I'd absolutely hate to make him think otherwise for no reason whatsoever.
Thanks for the link - have just read the article you posted here and I'm planning on having a look at the other articles at some point today.
I hope you don't mind me jumping in here. I'm sorry to hear you're going through a tough time at the moment.
You mentioned in your first post that you think your thread proves that you are someone who can't be relied on. To me, the fact that you've posted here shows exactly the opposite! From everything you've said here, it sounds like you're really aware of your responsibilities which come with your job and you're feeling the pressure of that. It's great that you've come on here to chat through your options and how you're feeling.
How are you feeling today? Let us know how you get on once you've taken a look at the articles.
:thumb:
Sorry things are so tough right now
Is there anyone you could ask to join you childminding? That could really take some pressure off.
If you do feel like it's a real probability that you'd shout at him for your own reasons, then it does sound like it's not the best time for you. If that is the case though, you shouldn't feel bad for backing out. It's a very responsible and caring thing to be considering in your current situation.
It's really nice the way you talk about this little boy
It's great you're thinking all this through, it sounds to me like you're being very considerate and responsible.
I've been reading many of the articles and I've come across some that are quite focussed on being mindful. I was asked in chat yesterday what I would do with that time if I did less childcare and, after thinking about it a little today, I quite like the idea of getting back into mindfulness. I started to learn being mindful a good while back but then I just stopped so it's only really breathing exercises and cup of teas that I'm mindful with now.
I love the idea of becoming quite an expert on the subject - I'd love to be able to take mindfulness further and learn so much that it becomes rather effortless but still affective.
That seems so impossible though. I don't at all have the energy or motivation required to do something like that particularly when it would be something positive for my own wellbeing. I'm not someone that even wants to treat myself with the care I so clearly don't deserve so I feel like the desire to be an expert on mindfulness will have to be just that - a desire or a hope that can never be fulfilled.
In terms of the child minding I do feel bad for wanting to back out so maybe I should just push myself. I need to accept that the way I'm feeling in general right now is entirely my own fault so it's not fair for me to even essentially want to let other people down.
I do care about the little boy a lot and if I ever did shout at him or upset him because of my own stress then I would never forgive myself and I'd be the first to do something about it.