Home Sex & Relationships
If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.

Helping a friend in an abusive relationship

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
One of my friends and co-workers has been in an abusive relationship for the past 10 years. She's attempted to leave him several times but always either ended up going back, or he would physically stop her from leaving (confiscating keys/bank cards/threatening to kill her pets). She had been having an affair with another man until a few weeks ago when it all came to an end, however he found an old phone of hers, charged it up and she'd left everything unlocked. So he saw all the messages/photos etc and went mad. He came to pick her up from work 2 hours into her shift, she didn't come to work today (she text the boss asking to have it off so she could 'sort things out'). I had a solitary message from her at 7pm last night saying she was ok. I suspect he's taken her phone off her and is only giving it to her to let her get in touch with work. When it all blew up yesterday he was threatening to burn their place down with all her pets inside, rang the guy up at work and made threats against him. He's very jealous, manipulative and controlling so I'm not surprised she had an affair. She's got no friends outside of work, he hasn't had a job for years (though he's just about to start a new one) and doesn't have any friends either so apart from work she's never away from him. To give you an idea of how bad he is, he kicked off when she tried to arrange a girly day out shopping with me (it didn't happen in the end), she practically runs out of the door every day after work because if she's late he kicks off, he's also turned up to work a few times in the past and not told her so he can stalk her from a distance (we work outdoors) to see if she's working with any of the male staff. I suspect he has been violent towards her too but she always denies it, saying the most he's done is push her to the ground. Basically this guy is seriously unstable and dangerous. She now has a chance to get out, she has a small caravan she can leave with, the man she had an affair with has offered to help her with a deposit and rent for her own place and our boss has told her she can take a few months off to leave and lie low for a while (he would come looking for her at work) then come back. I understand no one can make her leave but is there anything else I can do besides try to help her see sense and be a sympathetic ear? She says she can't go to womens refuges because of her pets (birds and small dogs) and as she's got no friends or family nearby no one can take them for her. Are there any places or help I can point her towards to help? I'm already concerned for her welfare as I think she's likely been beaten and he's refusing to let her leave the house.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Ballerina,

    You're obviously a really good friend already by being there for her and listening to her *hug*

    It's completely normal to feel helpless in these situations but there probably isn't much more you can do but continue being there for her when she needs you. It's good news that she has been able to go temporarily in a caravan away from him, that work is understanding and that the guy she had an affair with is willing to help her too.

    Eventhough you said she doesnt really have many friends, perhaps she can ask someone to take care of her pets for a while? Some charities "foster" pets when a women is experiencing domestic violence - this is what the citizen's advice bureau says;
    If you have suffered domestic violence

    Some animal charities foster the pets of those escaping domestic violence. You can contact a charity directly or ask a refuge or Women’s Aid to refer you. If you contact the charity directly you may need to show them confirmation you are fleeing domestic violence such as a letter from a social worker, police domestic violence unit or temporary housing provider. Foster placements are for an average of six to nine months. Once you are in accommodation that takes pets, the pet can go back to you.


    Have a look at our article on women and domestic violence, that gives lots of advice and links to different refuges as well as the National Domestic Violence Helpline 0808 2000 247, which she can call for advice at any time, day and night for free.

    Good luck and remember you're already being a great friend *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

    It seems people have offered her opportunities for exits, but she is unwilling to take them up on them. Why hasn't she called the police? He is stalking her, threatening her with arson and the killing of her pets, if there is domestic violence happening she has even more of a case for her.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She did eventually come back to work a few days later. She said he broke a table in half but didn't hit her. If that's true or not I'll never know. As I expected she's not leaving him because she felt bad 'because he cried so much'. She also said she felt bad because he's put up with a lot of stuff in the past with her alcoholism, self harm etc. Although she's now clean and putting up with bad behaviour never makes you obliged to stay with anyone. She's coming round to mine after work when he's working as he finishes 2 hours after us and she wants us to do stuff together whenever he's working and we're both off (which will probably be rare). It just shouldn't be like this that she has to wait until he's at work before she can socialise outside of work or do anything.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Has she contacted someone like woman's aid?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If I were you, I would spend this together time with her trying to convince her to leave the relationship. Constructively, like making a pro and con list. Show her the symptoms of abusive relationships, she has to see rationally that she is in deep shit. Appealing to her emotions will not be working, I think.
    But like I said, you cannot force her hand in this. She has to see it herself, and if she chooses to stick her head in the sand, then she will have to ride it out and you can only cushion the fall afterwards.
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    If I were you, I would spend this together time with her trying to convince her to leave the relationship.
    I think that may make her stop talking to Ballerina, which wouldn't be good.
    I wish people were logical like you describe, but they often aren't. One needs to take irrationality into account...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Leaving a relationship really isn't that simple.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think that may make her stop talking to Ballerina, which wouldn't be good.
    I wish people were logical like you describe, but they often aren't. One needs to take irrationality into account...

    It is unlikely that she will be fed up by herself one day, seeing how much abuse she is willing to take and sweep under the rug. She needs to be shown that her situation is textbook abusive, even the "nice and caring" phases to keep her on the leash.
    Melian wrote:
    Leaving a relationship really isn't that simple.

    Why not? Really all she has to do is decide for it. There are people helping with money/time off work etc.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Melian wrote: »
    Leaving a relationship really isn't that simple.

    This.

    Ballerina, you're doing absolutely everything you can do and your friend really will be appreciating you so much. There will come a time when she will pluck up that courage to leave but she has to decide when that is herself - until then just keep doing exactly what you're doing. I don't doubt that she'll ask you for specific help when she's ready to get away from him. I imagine you're feeling rather useless in this situation but you're honestly helping so much :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have to agree with Strubbles on this one. She should have run for the hills at the early signs, let alone now. I personally could not love someone who'd threaten arson and murder of pets. I'd definitely convince your friend to leave the relationship before he causes serious harm to her, which could possibly be fatal. If I was in her situation, I would not return to the house. She should definitely move out and seek help fast.

    Hope it all works out :)

    R xx
Sign In or Register to comment.