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Struggling with the urge to self harm

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I need to cut, I want intense burning pain, but I fucking can't right now and I hate it. What else can I do? Nothing. Fuck sake.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How about using this thread to talk things through? Its quite strange how talking can be so powerful.

    What's making you feel like you want to cut?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There's no point talking things through. I just want pain. It's what I need and deserve and it shuts up my head for a bit.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Emotions are all over the place, head is all over the place, I feel so horrible and I hate it. Hah, although really I shouldn't hate it because I basically ask for this shit but it's hard to deal with. I guess that's what I hate, not being able to deal with it.

    I'm starting to fucking cry as I'm typing this -_- I would have thought by now that I have nothing left to cry, or I'd quite like if the exhaustion of it helped me to drift off but that's not that case either.

    Need to get this shit out of my head but I don't even know where to start. I just want to do what I want to do, anything, but nothing is ever that easy and it's so hard mixing real life with what I know :(

    I lack nearly all motivation right now. It's like all of the stuff in my head, and my crappy feelings, are replacing something I need one by one.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can't deal with my head being such a mess. So, so much has happened just this weekend and on top of other things, it's too much. I'm exhausted.

    I'm just moaning though because I can.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can't deal with my head being such a mess. So, so much has happened just this weekend and on top of other things, it's too much. I'm exhausted.

    I'm just moaning though because I can.
    You're not moaning :) Plus this is your thread so you can post what you want. Wanna chat about anything?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    .
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I feel like no matter what, I'm always going to make stuff worse for others, even if I'm trying to stick up for them. I don't know if that's just the way it goes or if my version of do and don't is completely fucked up for whatever reason but it's shit. It's constant, literally constant, so when is it supposed to end? I feel so lifeless today.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I feel like no matter what, I'm always going to make stuff worse for others, even if I'm trying to stick up for them. I don't know if that's just the way it goes or if my version of do and don't is completely fucked up for whatever reason but it's shit. It's constant, literally constant, so when is it supposed to end? I feel so lifeless today.
    From what I've seen your a great support to others :) And have supported me in the past too. Who do you feel you've made stuff worse for?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's like you're asking to be snapped at D:

    I'm not at all a great support, you may think otherwise but you're wrong.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's like you're asking to be snapped at D:

    I'm not at all a great support, you may think otherwise but you're wrong.
    Okay I'm sorry if I have upset you but I honestly think that you are supportive - that's my opinion 😊
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    BeckiBoo wrote: »
    Okay I'm sorry if I have upset you but I honestly think that you are supportive - that's my opinion 😊

    You haven't upset me, sorry, I just meant that you keep replying even though I snap every time.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You haven't upset me, sorry, I just meant that you keep replying even though I snap every time.
    You can't get rid of me that easily :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm not exactly going to tell you anything even if I knew how to say stuff, so often replying really is very pointless especially when I'm just going to happily aim all bad feelings at you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I only reply cause I care. If you don't want me to then that's fine but I just didn't want you thinking people don't care because they do.
    Sometimes we all need someone to take it out on and if that's me then so be it. I know your not a nasty person and this is just your emotions talking so I honestly don't mind
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    .
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't belong anywhere any more. I've always basically leant on my nephew for support, he always helped just because I love him an immense amount, his gorgeous little personality always shines through so strongly and I grabbed hold of that.

    I always tried to tell myself that I'm a good auntie, he clearly loves me a lot so I must be doing something right... I'm not a good auntie though, not at all. I feel like he should be more than enough to change how I've been feeling but how I'm feeling hasn't changed, it's like I'm saying he's not enough. I love him, I really do, but then I clearly have the worse way of showing that when he's not here.

    Cutting has become a much more often "coping" mechanism for me. I love it when I'm doing it/have done it but then that specific bunch of cuts start healing and they're ugly. I've got so many more recent scars that just look so.. out of place I guess. Maybe I'm comparing it to my scars from the past which I've always loved. I've gone from neat scars that I love to three different messy bunches of red scars that I literally hate, and that's just my left arm, so then I get more angry with myself. I want to cut though, it's what I do and I like the huge change of feeling I get when I cut, but that feeling doesn't last long.

    Everything is a jumble :( it seems like I can't release any of it from my head so it's like the crying takes control of me thinking that's going to work but it doesn't. I don't like crying but I can't control the tears. So then I want to cry again.

    I don't even know what to say. Fuck sake.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can't even fucking move without feeling like I've been stabbed. I can't deal with any more. I can't.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Butterfly, I've learned a small trick when I get into that mindset. Take a rubber band and keep it around your wrist or ankle. Whenever you get this feeling or urge, lightly lift up the band and snap it against your skin. Its helped me oh so much and I hope something like that can help you too!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm exhausted with feeling exhausted. It's crap. Gosh knows how I'm coping without codeine too. Gosh knows how I'm coping at all. I don't even know why I'm trying.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Urgh. Just urgh.
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    Sending you *hug*s butterfly.

    Here for you :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm so incredibly tired but it's as though my mind isn't telling my body. I don't know if that makes sense. To put it simply I just can't sleep and I really hate it. I want to be able to numb these feelings or I want to be able to sleep away the emotional pain but I can't seem to do either.

    I need and deserve physical pain but I really can't find the energy to do anything. I'm just here, I'm just breathing, letting all of this silently destroy me but not at all showing it but it's because I have no energy left, no fight left, so there's nothing I can do apart from stay here and feel it happening, see it happening. It's like I'm watching a movie, I'm watching someone else fall apart but at the same time I'm feeling exactly the same feelings as they would be.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I really want to do something 'stupid'. I'm not strong. I'll never be strong. Why do I still exist? I shouldn't.
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    Hey butterfly. Just wanted to offer you some *hug*s

    Things sound very difficult for you at the minute, I am glad you are able to use this thread to get your thoughts/feelings out.

    We are all here for you. :heart:

    Sent from my GT-I9300 using Tapatalk
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    .
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm a failure. I'm so fucking useless.
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