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I feel like I'm breaking
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I need to have a rant, there is so much going on in my head I can't think straight.
I feel like I'm breaking, my head is just spinning everyday and I have a permanent headache because it just won't quit. I'll start with a rant about the doctors, they are being a big pain. My GP surgery is becoming a bit of a joke, I know there are lots of people wanting to see doctors I get that, but you can't book an appointment in advance which means you just have to chance it on the day when you have some spare time. Even then I sometimes can't get an appointment in time before my medication runs out. I'm thinking of going private because they just can't help me in the way that I need.
They told me the only talking therapies I can have is a short course of counselling at a sexual assault referral centre in the next city. Which is no good for me because I don't want to go there. I don't feel the need in talking through all of the minute details of what happened to me because it just doesn't help me. I just want to know how to block all of that shit out and just get on with my life. I don't want to drag up all that shit, that's what the medicine is helping with just to tuck it away in a corner of my brain so I don't have to think about it every god damn day.
Today I had an appointment with the GP for a medication review and I told her that I've been feeling anxious a lot recently, especially at work as its getting quite stressful at the moment, my job isn't particularly demanding, it just gets busy and things are going a bit wrong in my part of the job which makes me worry that it's my fault. I tried to talk to her, I just wanted to say that things are getting on top of me and I don't know what to do but she just wasn't listening to me, after keeping me waiting for over half an hour she wanted me out of there as quick as possible. Just wrote a prescription and shoved me out of the door like I was just being a pain.
Then there's work which is being annoying. It's getting to a busy time of year and we are quite understaffed. Which means that those of us working have to work twice as hard for not much benefit to us. Things are going wrong on my department and we are losing money because things aren't being done properly. Sometimes they make me feel like its my fault even though they've said its not me, but I just can't help feeling so stressed every frigging day.
Then there's my friends. I have one friend who has basically said she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore because I've sort of lost touch over the past year. I didn't intentionally lose touch, I was just busy trying to sort my life out that I didn't really have time for much else. Maybe that was selfish, I don't know. But she knew the shit I was trying to deal with, she knew I was ill and in a bad place, did she ever contact me in the time she said I was ignoring her? No. Did she ever send me a message just saying Hi? No. I just don't see why she's so angry at me when I haven't done a lot wrong. I haven't been in touch with her, not intentionally, but she hasn't been in touch with me either. It's just a frigging mess.
Then there's my stupid stupid brain going on and on. I am forever anxious at work, I can't relax. I'm always apologising for things when I don't need to because I'm so scared I'll fuck up too much one day and everyone will just have enough of me. When I come home I just want to go to bed. I'm getting fat because I've been taking my medication and being lazy and not eating healthily so I feel like I'm fat and disgusting.
Then there's my family, who I thought were starting to make an effort to get in touch with me, but now they just completely ignore me. I started to have regular contact with my mum for the first time in years now she just doesn't answer the phone or texts from me. There's my brother who's growing up and doesn't have time for me anymore and I send a message and he doesn't reply for days. I don't blame him he has his own life, I don't have many interesting things to say.
I just feel so fucking frustrated with myself all the time because I was starting to feel better, the medication basically numbs all of the bad thoughts I was having but it doesn't do a lot to relieve the anxiety and stop me panicking when I'm having a bad moment. I'm frustrated with myself because I've never had it this good, I feel like I should be happy all of the time but I don't know how. I've come through the other side of all the bad shit and I should just be grateful for all the stuff I have now, I feel selfish for writing all of this because I shouldn't need help. I should be able to deal with shit by now but I just can't. I started to enjoy life but now I have some days were I just don't want to get out of bed, I just want to hide in my bed and make it all disappear. I know I don't feel like this all of the time, but I do at the moment and I just can't seem to get out it. I just feel like there's so much going on in my head which makes my chest all tight and I just want it all to stop so that I can just breathe.
Sorry about the long post, I just need to get all of the crap out of my head, I need to find the off button to my brain. If you've got this far thank you for reading.
I feel like I'm breaking, my head is just spinning everyday and I have a permanent headache because it just won't quit. I'll start with a rant about the doctors, they are being a big pain. My GP surgery is becoming a bit of a joke, I know there are lots of people wanting to see doctors I get that, but you can't book an appointment in advance which means you just have to chance it on the day when you have some spare time. Even then I sometimes can't get an appointment in time before my medication runs out. I'm thinking of going private because they just can't help me in the way that I need.
They told me the only talking therapies I can have is a short course of counselling at a sexual assault referral centre in the next city. Which is no good for me because I don't want to go there. I don't feel the need in talking through all of the minute details of what happened to me because it just doesn't help me. I just want to know how to block all of that shit out and just get on with my life. I don't want to drag up all that shit, that's what the medicine is helping with just to tuck it away in a corner of my brain so I don't have to think about it every god damn day.
Today I had an appointment with the GP for a medication review and I told her that I've been feeling anxious a lot recently, especially at work as its getting quite stressful at the moment, my job isn't particularly demanding, it just gets busy and things are going a bit wrong in my part of the job which makes me worry that it's my fault. I tried to talk to her, I just wanted to say that things are getting on top of me and I don't know what to do but she just wasn't listening to me, after keeping me waiting for over half an hour she wanted me out of there as quick as possible. Just wrote a prescription and shoved me out of the door like I was just being a pain.
Then there's work which is being annoying. It's getting to a busy time of year and we are quite understaffed. Which means that those of us working have to work twice as hard for not much benefit to us. Things are going wrong on my department and we are losing money because things aren't being done properly. Sometimes they make me feel like its my fault even though they've said its not me, but I just can't help feeling so stressed every frigging day.
Then there's my friends. I have one friend who has basically said she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore because I've sort of lost touch over the past year. I didn't intentionally lose touch, I was just busy trying to sort my life out that I didn't really have time for much else. Maybe that was selfish, I don't know. But she knew the shit I was trying to deal with, she knew I was ill and in a bad place, did she ever contact me in the time she said I was ignoring her? No. Did she ever send me a message just saying Hi? No. I just don't see why she's so angry at me when I haven't done a lot wrong. I haven't been in touch with her, not intentionally, but she hasn't been in touch with me either. It's just a frigging mess.
Then there's my stupid stupid brain going on and on. I am forever anxious at work, I can't relax. I'm always apologising for things when I don't need to because I'm so scared I'll fuck up too much one day and everyone will just have enough of me. When I come home I just want to go to bed. I'm getting fat because I've been taking my medication and being lazy and not eating healthily so I feel like I'm fat and disgusting.
Then there's my family, who I thought were starting to make an effort to get in touch with me, but now they just completely ignore me. I started to have regular contact with my mum for the first time in years now she just doesn't answer the phone or texts from me. There's my brother who's growing up and doesn't have time for me anymore and I send a message and he doesn't reply for days. I don't blame him he has his own life, I don't have many interesting things to say.
I just feel so fucking frustrated with myself all the time because I was starting to feel better, the medication basically numbs all of the bad thoughts I was having but it doesn't do a lot to relieve the anxiety and stop me panicking when I'm having a bad moment. I'm frustrated with myself because I've never had it this good, I feel like I should be happy all of the time but I don't know how. I've come through the other side of all the bad shit and I should just be grateful for all the stuff I have now, I feel selfish for writing all of this because I shouldn't need help. I should be able to deal with shit by now but I just can't. I started to enjoy life but now I have some days were I just don't want to get out of bed, I just want to hide in my bed and make it all disappear. I know I don't feel like this all of the time, but I do at the moment and I just can't seem to get out it. I just feel like there's so much going on in my head which makes my chest all tight and I just want it all to stop so that I can just breathe.
Sorry about the long post, I just need to get all of the crap out of my head, I need to find the off button to my brain. If you've got this far thank you for reading.
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Comments
It's been really lovely to see you a bit more on TheSite lately as you're such good company, but obviously I also recognise times are hard and I'm glad you feel comfortable to use the boards as an outlet.
It sounds like you've experienced your fair share of disappointment over the last few months - from taking flak from a previously close friend, to losing contact with your mum again, to noticing a shift in your relationship with your brother. On top of this, you're also finding work challenging - but not in a positive way - you're feeling undervalued and under confident.
If any of these things were going on for you in isolation then they would be difficult, but most likely you'd be able to draw on energy from other areas to resolve them or come to terms with them. It's when all these things hit us in the face at the same time that we can start to feel completely overwhelmed and unable to manage or get perspective. So, even though you've told yourself 'I shouldn't need help' and are calling yourself selfish, what you really are is self aware - you've had the capacity to pause and say: hang on a minute, things aren't right - I need to address this situation.
You have hit on a series of difficult circumstances while still having some issues from the past affecting how you feel about yourself. With this in mind, while there are things to be grateful for (lovely boyfriend/nice place to live etc) you do deserve to feel much more settled and confident in wider areas of your life.
In terms of the difficulties you've had with your GP, I wondered if you've ever tried contacting IAPT? (improving access to psychological therapies). Here's a link that you might find useful: http://www.talk2gether.nhs.uk/
In terms of work, did you want to tell us a bit more about what seems to be going wrong in your department? With a little more information we might be able to give you some insight on how to manage.
Whenever friends let us down, it's often a chance to reflect on the relationship as a whole and try to weigh up whether or not we want to put effort into resolving things (which may be by making the effort to help them better understand our side of the story, for example). Do you feel that this is a friend who has given you enough in the past to deserve that? If not, then while her response to you is still upsetting, it might be that the concept of losing the friend is more significant than the loss itself, if that makes any sense?
Anyhow, just a few initial thoughts, would be great to hear more from you. Hope you have a nice weekend and take good care of yourself.
I have tried to access the IAPT service here, I had a telephone assessment with them after being referred to them by the GP, but in the assessment they said that their service isn't suitable for me and it would be best to get more 'specialised help' as they put it, and that's when I was referred to the referral centre. I was then on a waiting list for counselling with them, which only took 8 weeks BUT when the appointment came round, I really just panicked about the whole thing and didn't end up going.
It's probably a little bit silly but I feel like going to that kind of place to have counselling, it would make me feel a lot worse because it would bring back all kinds of stuff. Maybe that's what I need, but I don't really feel like I want to go into specific things and that's what I would have to do if I went there. It's hard to explain really but I guess what I mean is I would just like a kind of generic therapy/counselling without having to go into details about things, maybe that's just not possible.
I did go back to the GP and discussed this with them, but they said that's the only help they can offer me, they can carry on giving me medication but if I want any other kind of talking therapies I'll have to find it myself privately.
As for work, my department is now working with newspapers and magazines which I took over a few months ago when they gave me a full time contract. There's another guy who also works on this department on the days which I don't do it (otherwise I would be working 6am 5 days a week, and they want me to work a late night aswell so it's not possible to do it everyday, instead I do three days at 6am)
Our department is in trouble because we are losing money, because they guy who does it, doesn't really care a lot about it. He puts things in the wrong places which means that we lose money (mag companies pay for specific slots in the store and if it's not in the right place, we get told off for that and it goes down as a loss). He doesn't send old magazines back which we have to do and we recieve 'credits' for the ones we send back, again if its not sent back in time, we lose money.
It really frustrates me because he just doesn't care, and my team leaders/managers all know that it's him, not me but they won't say anything to him! They won't give him extra training or ask him to try do things right. So even though it's not directly my fault, I get really frustrated because people are moaning at me about it (magazine reps, team leaders) and it just gets me down.
With the situation with my friend, I don't think our friendship can really be saved. I have apologised to her for the hurt I caused, I have made the effort to try get back in touch with her but she's just not making the effort to be civil. Maybe there's just too much that I did wrong, maybe it can't be saved and thinking about it now I think I'll probably just have to let her live her life and I just get on with mine. She was a really good friend to me, she was my best friend back in my school days and she helped me by giving me a few days to stay in her house when I was desperate, but I don't think I can do much else to try and make it better. I have tried, I have apologised lots, now I guess its just up to her whether she wants to talk to me again.
I think you're right, it is just that there's a hell of a lot going on in my head, lots of different issues and it all together is just driving me a bit bonkers.