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Struggling to find a need/want to be alive
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey… :wave:
So yea I know I already have another thread, but it’s gotten long and I dislike long threads. I really don’t expect people to answer this or whatever, I know most think I’m a horrible person which is understandable. Guess I’m just ranting or venting or what ever else you wanna call it.
I don’t think it’s any huge shock to people that I’ve been finding it hard to find a need/want to be alive; pretty much I can’t see why I need to be. Everything’s to hard, it’s a daily battle to keep myself safe. Trying not to give into the urges, surely everyone’s life will be better if I was to just give in to them.
The only way I guess I can really describe how I’m feeling right now is like I’ve fallen into a huge black hole and I can’t get out, as days pass on I keep hoping that things will get better, but then I wonder if they will.
I say to people that I don’t want to talk about things, but I actually do. But I’m scared of their reactions, I’m scared that people won’t see me as a equal anymore, I’m scared people will see me for the fuck up that I am. I’ve put on this front for people to see that I’m ok and so far it’s been working. I’m slowly starting to let go of this fake smile and letting the tears flow, but I just don’t want to be me, no one truly knows how I’m feeling apart form the people who are reading this (if anyone that is, but I’m probley kidding myself that people will even read this)
I keep harming and I’m starting to see that it’s becoming more and more frequent and I keep having to find more and more ways to hide it from people at work and daycare which is starting to become harder as the weeks go on. I can cope with them ok and look after them all, but I know it’s not a healthy way of expressing how I’m feeling, but nothing else seams to work. Nothing works like how harming works.
Being here I don’t know I don’t belong, I feel like everyone is in a room and they all know each other and get along, then at one of the windows, inside is sunny and everyones happy in there, then outside, the sky is dark, there’s lots of clouds in the sky, it’s raining and there’s thunder and lighting, everything is dark. Outside I don’t have a voice, everyone inside has a voice. The people inside are nice people, the bad people have to stay outside, I’m never allowed inside.
I’m refusing to eat, why I hear you ask, well I’ll tell you, I’m fat, I’m ugly, no one will ever love me if I weigh this much, my thighs should not touch each other. I can go without food I don’t need it, every time I look at myself in the mirror I cry at what I can see, I can change that, I can stop eating. I’ll be happy when I like what I see, the only way I can get that is by not eating. I’m not beautiful people don’t see what I see when I look in the mirror, people can’t hear the voices telling me I’m fat. No one see’s what I see, they don’t see how much I hate myself.
The only real positive I’ve got in life at the moment would be daycare, the kids just make me feel so much better. Talking to the staff there is not an option as they have already made their views towards me very clear. Getting cuddles of the littleuns and hearing them tell me I’m their favourite and how they’d rather I read them the stores cause I’m the ‘bestest’ at reading them, it just makes me feel amazing, like super important, they just pick my mood right up, then soon as I leave I’m back to feeling shitty back in the deep dark hole.
I’m far to tired for my own good right now, I’m working flat out now, I’m in daycare two days a week, college 3 days I work in the evenings and I work all weekend, I’ve got like no time. It’s like a cycle now, wake up-work/college- stay alive- sleep- repeat.
My online counselling that was due to end last month was extended by 4 weeks which is now due to end soon, I generally feel so so scared about it all ending, once her supports gone, that’s it. I’m on my own to try and deal with everything in a positive way, which I know wont happen, I’ve spoke to her about this, she said we would talk about it proper the following week. I’m scared about losing her support.
I’m sorry for how long this thread is, I’m sorry for posting (again) I’m sorry for taking up time and space that someone else could possibly be using. Sorry all.
So yea I know I already have another thread, but it’s gotten long and I dislike long threads. I really don’t expect people to answer this or whatever, I know most think I’m a horrible person which is understandable. Guess I’m just ranting or venting or what ever else you wanna call it.
I don’t think it’s any huge shock to people that I’ve been finding it hard to find a need/want to be alive; pretty much I can’t see why I need to be. Everything’s to hard, it’s a daily battle to keep myself safe. Trying not to give into the urges, surely everyone’s life will be better if I was to just give in to them.
The only way I guess I can really describe how I’m feeling right now is like I’ve fallen into a huge black hole and I can’t get out, as days pass on I keep hoping that things will get better, but then I wonder if they will.
I say to people that I don’t want to talk about things, but I actually do. But I’m scared of their reactions, I’m scared that people won’t see me as a equal anymore, I’m scared people will see me for the fuck up that I am. I’ve put on this front for people to see that I’m ok and so far it’s been working. I’m slowly starting to let go of this fake smile and letting the tears flow, but I just don’t want to be me, no one truly knows how I’m feeling apart form the people who are reading this (if anyone that is, but I’m probley kidding myself that people will even read this)
I keep harming and I’m starting to see that it’s becoming more and more frequent and I keep having to find more and more ways to hide it from people at work and daycare which is starting to become harder as the weeks go on. I can cope with them ok and look after them all, but I know it’s not a healthy way of expressing how I’m feeling, but nothing else seams to work. Nothing works like how harming works.
Being here I don’t know I don’t belong, I feel like everyone is in a room and they all know each other and get along, then at one of the windows, inside is sunny and everyones happy in there, then outside, the sky is dark, there’s lots of clouds in the sky, it’s raining and there’s thunder and lighting, everything is dark. Outside I don’t have a voice, everyone inside has a voice. The people inside are nice people, the bad people have to stay outside, I’m never allowed inside.
I’m refusing to eat, why I hear you ask, well I’ll tell you, I’m fat, I’m ugly, no one will ever love me if I weigh this much, my thighs should not touch each other. I can go without food I don’t need it, every time I look at myself in the mirror I cry at what I can see, I can change that, I can stop eating. I’ll be happy when I like what I see, the only way I can get that is by not eating. I’m not beautiful people don’t see what I see when I look in the mirror, people can’t hear the voices telling me I’m fat. No one see’s what I see, they don’t see how much I hate myself.
The only real positive I’ve got in life at the moment would be daycare, the kids just make me feel so much better. Talking to the staff there is not an option as they have already made their views towards me very clear. Getting cuddles of the littleuns and hearing them tell me I’m their favourite and how they’d rather I read them the stores cause I’m the ‘bestest’ at reading them, it just makes me feel amazing, like super important, they just pick my mood right up, then soon as I leave I’m back to feeling shitty back in the deep dark hole.
I’m far to tired for my own good right now, I’m working flat out now, I’m in daycare two days a week, college 3 days I work in the evenings and I work all weekend, I’ve got like no time. It’s like a cycle now, wake up-work/college- stay alive- sleep- repeat.
My online counselling that was due to end last month was extended by 4 weeks which is now due to end soon, I generally feel so so scared about it all ending, once her supports gone, that’s it. I’m on my own to try and deal with everything in a positive way, which I know wont happen, I’ve spoke to her about this, she said we would talk about it proper the following week. I’m scared about losing her support.
I’m sorry for how long this thread is, I’m sorry for posting (again) I’m sorry for taking up time and space that someone else could possibly be using. Sorry all.
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Comments
I know life may seem shitty right now, and there will be days where you will want to give up, but there are people out there who can help you and speak to you whenever. Keep going, the grass is always greener on the other side, you can do it. I know you can. Keep fighting. ?
I've got noone to speak to. People herre hate me and I really don't blame them, I hate me. Family well what's left of them hate me. College hate me. Everyone does. I deserve nothing, never mind the chance to talk.
Everything's become so clear the past few days on who really foes give a flying rats arse and who don't. The people who say they are "there for you" and then do fuck all but be shitty ro you when your struggling or ignore messages.
There's no point in keeping fighting. That's all I've done all my.life. There's only so much fighting a person can do. Done with everything done with life do e with people fuck it all. Fucking off with all of this is a much better idea than trying to sort it all out.
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" So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
'' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
Lots of people hate me,.. Was probley stupid even making this. Sorry. Thanks for the *hug*'s.
It sounds like you are really struggling at the minute. I am sorry to hear that *hug*
With regards to the harming, I know you say you haven't found anything else that has helped, what other things have you tried?
Have you ever thought about making a positive book/jar/box. I know things are difficult at the minute, but I promise you there is hope out there, and you will get through this, even if you find some positive quotes, positive upbeat lyrics, things like that.
Have you looked at B-eat it has some pretty helpful advice and could give you some support around your eating.
I am glad daycare is a positive for you lovely. I find that when I feel a bit low being at nursery really lifts my mood and having that routine can also help.
With regards to your online counselling, I am glad that you have had that support, and hopefully during your sessions you have learnt some new ways of coping with things. It is normal to be worried about what you will do when you no longer have that support from the counsellor, I guess it's about using other support networks and remember the things that you could put in place to support you. Taking things day by day helped me when my counselling ended, and with time things do get easier and you learn to speak to other people. If you speak to your counsellor, maybe asking for some tips on how to cope with things when counselling ends. So like, distractions maybe.
Just to reassure you though, that we don't hate you, and we care.
" So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
'' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
Thank you lots for the reply, it really means a lot
I've got a scrapbook that's full of positive stuff, and when I do feel like harming I do try to look at it, but it never really works, I've tried the rubber band thing to, I've broken way to many of them.
I've looked at B-eat before, but just never really found anything, I know lots of things people where saying there, it's like things that I say/feel or like I 'fit' into some of the catorgizes for what different things are and that.. Like the voices and things that I'm hearing are really common apperently.. My own Gp has threatened to put me into hospital if I don't 'sort it' and 'get my act together' His own words.
Really love daycare, one of the kiddies made me laugh lots yesterday Super cute little humans.
The counsellor knows that I'm scared about it all ending, we have talked about her maybe finding me some face to face support. But face to face support is scary, cause mainly they can see your reaction to things, they can't see you cry and panic, with online counselling I can tell her like how I'm feeling, and like i don't ave to tell her that I'm panicking, whereas the face to face counselling person will see all that.
Lots of people hate me, it's a fact of life, here's no different really. Sorry.
Hi, I'm sorry not been online for awhile, issues with internet access. Sorry I didn't get to respond to your last message on your other thread.
Big *hug*'s to you, your doing really well and you need to remember that. *hug*
There is one thing that I have found to help when I have been suicidal is to grab pen and paper and free write, you put pen to paper but don't think just write, not looking at what you've written just keep flowing the thoughts and feelings. It makes a difference getting it all out.
You can read at a later time if you wish or just screw up and throw away, I've always been surprised by what comes out and how irrational my thoughts were at the time.
It is so tough to feel like this and to think people hate you, but just keep going as long as you love you that's all that matters, you haven't found the right mix of person for you yet but you will. New experiences will always keep coming and so will new people to our lives. Live your day for you and you alone, as that's what counts right now not anyone else.
Sometimes what we think isn't true, not everyone hates you and people always respond to your threads. Take comfort from that, we all care for you and are willing you to succeed. You can do it you really can, you are a strong person and you'll get through these dark days, I know it doesn't feel like it right now but one day when you least expect it the darkness will begin to fade. In the meantime just be good to yourself, do t pressure yourself or feel like you've failed. Recovery takes a long time, just keep plodding on second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day one step at a time.
To lose weight you can't just stop eating as your body will hold onto the fat as it will think there is a famine, eat sensibly and at every mealtime. Just reduce portion and have lots of veg. You need to eat properly for your mental health too, I learnt that he hard way:crying:
Please respond to thread so we know that you are ok. You get there one day just keep messaging through the bad times *hug* *hug*
I'm not doing well at all.. I hate how shit I feel right now, I'm trying my hardest to fight this and keep going, but it's just not happening. I know how tonight will end. I hate this stupid cycle. I can easly list of people that hate my guts here, I know everyone will say 'Oh no noone here hates you' But they don't see it, they never do. And before anyone jumps all over me, yes the mods know.
What's really the point in all of this? Life, what's the point in it, there's nothing here for me, there never has been. It's best for everyone if I just vanish when everyone don't expect it. People will be like 'oh it's a shame she was so young' No one fucking see's how much I'm hurting, carrying on and pretending that I'm ok has just become a normal thing now. I don't have the balls to say 'look I'm really not ok' I have failed though, I've failed at everything. What's the point in plodding along anymore. This just deserves to be another thread that is forgotten about. I don't deserve help, support nothing. Why would I?
My tutor wants to talk to me tomorrow about everything, I just don't know what to do. I cant cope with the simplest of things now.