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Finding a few things hard: family and self harm

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi, things have been quite tough lately and I have to go through life pretending/hiding things. I'd say I'm used to this now but at the weekend I need to spend a lot of time with my family and I'm feeling nervous about it. I'm worried that it could all be too much pressure and I'm going to start crying. I'm worried that I could forget to hide particular things and there could be lots of questions. I'm worried about having to try harder than usual to pretend everything is okay.

I find myself trying to harm in any possible way. Recently I self harmed on a bruise because I thought the pain would really be unbearable and I was so disappointed to find that wasn't true. I've caused myself to try and figure out a way to get that unbearable self-inflicted pain that I deeply crave and I do have an idea in my head, the worrying thing is I think I would go that far but I'd still do anything to hide it.

Does anyone have any advice for getting through family occasions when you're feeling so on edge? Does anyone else have experience of severe self harm urges, and what did you do to cope?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Poppy *hug*

    Welcome to TheSite.org. Things sound thought right now, well done for being able to open up here.

    Have you spoken to your GP about what's happening? If not, do you think you would be able to? If that isn't an option at the moment, is there anyone else who you can confide in?

    TheSite has some information regarding self harm and mental health, this article about mental health and family might be worth a read. This article about coping with self harm also offers some tips.

    Samaritans are able to offer a confidential and non-judgemental listening service, either by phone, email or text. Their text number is 07725 909090. From my own experience I can say they're lovely :)

    Somewhere on the discussion boards there are some possible distractions for when urges are bad, I can't find the link so I will post it later unless someone else links it before me. In the meantime, I was sent this picture for when I struggle, maybe one of the ideas will help you a bit.

    3e329781413d7cd90c607c29ee8b4aef.jpg

    Keep posting and take care *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you for the helpful links and image ella!. No I haven't spoken to my GP and I don't want to confide in anyone else I'm close to.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    -Removed post-
  • JamesJames Deactivated Posts: 1,706 Extreme Poster
    Hey Poppy,

    First of all, really well done on posting. How did the weekend go?

    You seem to be experiencing some pretty intense urges at the moment and are finding that it's getting increasingly difficult to hide what's happening inside your head from the people around you. Thanks for not hiding it all from us :)

    Dealing with self-harm urges can be really hard, but it sounds like you found ella's post helpful. Following on from what she said, here's a link to a massive list of distractions. Perhaps trying some of those might help keep you occupied and help the urges subside when they hit.

    Something that stands out from your original post is how alone you seem to be feeling. You said you're going through life pretending and hiding things, which must be pretty exhausting, especially if there's no-one you can be more open with. Does that sound right?

    Something that a lot of people find helpful is letting someone in. It can take a huge amount of courage and a big leap of faith, but talking to someone in your life can really help unbottle some of those thoughts and release a bit of the pressure that's built up inside your head. You said that you don't want to confide in anyone you're close to, which is understandable - it's a massive step. A smaller step might be talking to someone you're not close to, someone new for example - just like what you're doing here :)

    I noticed in your other thread, you mentioned that you used to have a counsellor. It sounds like she was a positive force in your life? If it's something that you found helpful, perhaps getting more counselling is something worth looking into? Sites like haveigotaproblem.com offer free online counselling, which could be a good start?

    I hope some of that is useful. Please do keep posting :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you James. Yes pretending to be okay is extremely exhausting and I'm failing to succeed with it. I've never felt this alone before but I don't know how I feel about that and I don't have the mental energy to elaborate.

    There are too many feelings/thoughts and there is too much happening so even if I could see my past counsellor I don't have any energy left to tell her anything.

    Thank you for the list of distractions. It's just hard to find something to do so late.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can't find any release tonight. I have harmed myself a lot. I'm about to do something I've never before done. I used to text samaritans but I stopped again and I know they are probably a good option now but I can't. I don't know how to describe this. I feel physical and emotional pain but I feel like I'm utterly numb to it all and nothing is having the desired effect I crave. Except I can't be numb to it all. If I was then I wouldn't be looking for an escape.
  • JamesJames Deactivated Posts: 1,706 Extreme Poster
    Hey again Poppy, thanks for posting back :)

    Those posts suggest you had a pretty difficult night, sorry to hear that. Four in the morning can be a massively lonely time.

    From the sounds of things, there's a ton of stuff going round your head and it seems to be pretty chaotic. It's not surprising that you're having trouble describing what's happening - I think anyone would in that situation.

    When you still had your counsellor, what do you think you found most helpful? Was it being able to talk about things? Did she ask questions that helped how you thought about things? Did you feel a bit less alone? Or something else?
    We might not be able to replicate it here, but having a think about what's helped in the past might be a positive step towards finding helpful support now.

    I hope things feel a little easier this morning
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks again James.

    I'm not certain what I found the most helpful. Not once did she ever judge me and she always knew what to ask or how to ask it. But there were days where I'd sit there and simply cry instead of talking and that was okay with her. It took a long time to build up that trust and it's hard work.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have a lot of marks and cuts all over and it's disgusting. Seeing how ugly I look makes me realise that this is what I must seem like to everyone else in terms of my personality. All I've done is hurt people and cause damage between people and that makes me a disgusting person. I can't stand being like that and getting away with it as much as I am.

    I feel physically unwell today. I want to cry. I'm panicking. I can't do any of this.
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