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Letter to my Dad

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I recently wrote a letter to my dad, not one that I'm willing to send off either if that makes sense. But it's brought up some really difficult emotions, some things I did even know I was possible to feel and now I feel even more confused. It's got me really down and I'm having to put on this happy front with my carers again which I absolutely hate doing but I can't show them how I'm really feeling

Its also made me think a lot about my mum. I miss her a lot and even though she's done awful things to me, she's still my mum. No one would ever want to be my mum and I'll never be able to get the family I've always dreamt of so I've been thinking about going back. Every time I've tthought like this in the past I've gone back to see her and had ridiculous amounts of contact then it all ends up going wrong. But there's still that voice in my head saying things might have changed

I'm feeling so confused :(

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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    what's wrong with showing other people how you feel?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I just don't like my carers knowing how I feel, always been the same

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Becki.
    I have seen the letter you wrote to your dad and it was very heartfelt and full of emotions(and dont worry,it doesnt seem triggering really!!).You say your having to put on a happy front for your carers,well why dont you just talk to them as they are very caring and supportive people arent they?Dont say that.Your carers would love to be your real parents(i know that from what youve said before on threads on CL).Things will change one day,they really will.Stay strong xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    They are supportive yes but it's not as easy as 'just speaking to them'. I never said they wanted to be my parents, other way round and that only goes for one of them

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No what i meant was from things you've said before.Okay then,one would probably love to be as she acts an awful lot like a mum!You are not alone at all either.Your really not.x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hmm

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ?????????
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Whats that to??xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry just in a bad mood, ignore me

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know even more so what a bad mood ETC is like!! :'( We wont ignore.We do care
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Its okay.You know we care.You know your not alone.You know.x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    BeckiBoo wrote: »
    I recently wrote a letter to my dad, not one that I'm willing to send off either if that makes sense. But it's brought up some really difficult emotions, some things I did even know I was possible to feel and now I feel even more confused. It's got me really down and I'm having to put on this happy front with my carers again which I absolutely hate doing but I can't show them how I'm really feeling

    Its also made me think a lot about my mum. I miss her a lot and even though she's done awful things to me, she's still my mum. No one would ever want to be my mum and I'll never be able to get the family I've always dreamt of so I've been thinking about going back. Every time I've tthought like this in the past I've gone back to see her and had ridiculous amounts of contact then it all ends up going wrong. But there's still that voice in my head saying things might have changed

    I'm feeling so confused :(

    Sent by Sony Xperia

    Hey Becki,

    Sounds like writing this letter was a really emotional thing to do, it's no wonder it's stirred things up in your mind. It actually sounds like a really positive way of starting to work through some of your feelings so well done for doing it.

    In terms of your mum, perhaps don't feel like you have to do anything right away or make any definite decisions, it's certainly something you need to think through carefully and probably when you'e feeling a bit less emotional.

    I noticed you replied to Strubbles saying you've always felt uncomfortable with your carers knowing how you feel. Can you tell us a bit more about your worries/fears about them knowing?

    They might be able to help guide and support you and it sounds hard having to 'hide' what's going on inside..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Jo I feel like a terrible person :( ever since I've written that letter I've felt so angry - I'm just like them. Like last night I could feel it building up inside me just as I used to see in them. I hate it but I can't help it. I've never been this angry before :(

    To be honest I think I just want contact with my mum so I have a mum, does that make sense? Like at the minute, I have no one when everyone else seems to have someone :( I know I've got you guys which I appreciate but your not going to be around forever unfortunately :(

    A lot has happened in the 4 years of living in this placement, most of it they are aware of. The recent incident they don't know about and I just can't tell them about it. They think that I've finally got my life back on track and Shell told me she was proud of me for how far I've come. If I then turn around and say that its just all a front, that will go :( I like making people proud and I like people being happy. If I'm not happy, my carers aren't happy therefore I need to keep everything from them :(

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know this wasnt meant for me,sorry.

    Your carers are clearly very caring,supportive,kind and understanding etc which is great.They would help you.

    Why do you feel angry and like a horrible person?You're not.

    X
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't know why I feel like that

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    BeckiBoo wrote: »
    I don't know why I feel like that

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    Oh okay.:confused:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know sorry

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    BeckiBoo wrote: »
    I know sorry

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    Dont be,I am sorry if i seemed rude or sarcastic.I hope your okay xx
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