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Letter to my Dad
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I recently wrote a letter to my dad, not one that I'm willing to send off either if that makes sense. But it's brought up some really difficult emotions, some things I did even know I was possible to feel and now I feel even more confused. It's got me really down and I'm having to put on this happy front with my carers again which I absolutely hate doing but I can't show them how I'm really feeling
Its also made me think a lot about my mum. I miss her a lot and even though she's done awful things to me, she's still my mum. No one would ever want to be my mum and I'll never be able to get the family I've always dreamt of so I've been thinking about going back. Every time I've tthought like this in the past I've gone back to see her and had ridiculous amounts of contact then it all ends up going wrong. But there's still that voice in my head saying things might have changed
I'm feeling so confused
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Its also made me think a lot about my mum. I miss her a lot and even though she's done awful things to me, she's still my mum. No one would ever want to be my mum and I'll never be able to get the family I've always dreamt of so I've been thinking about going back. Every time I've tthought like this in the past I've gone back to see her and had ridiculous amounts of contact then it all ends up going wrong. But there's still that voice in my head saying things might have changed
I'm feeling so confused
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Comments
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I have seen the letter you wrote to your dad and it was very heartfelt and full of emotions(and dont worry,it doesnt seem triggering really!!).You say your having to put on a happy front for your carers,well why dont you just talk to them as they are very caring and supportive people arent they?Dont say that.Your carers would love to be your real parents(i know that from what youve said before on threads on CL).Things will change one day,they really will.Stay strong xx
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Hey Becki,
Sounds like writing this letter was a really emotional thing to do, it's no wonder it's stirred things up in your mind. It actually sounds like a really positive way of starting to work through some of your feelings so well done for doing it.
In terms of your mum, perhaps don't feel like you have to do anything right away or make any definite decisions, it's certainly something you need to think through carefully and probably when you'e feeling a bit less emotional.
I noticed you replied to Strubbles saying you've always felt uncomfortable with your carers knowing how you feel. Can you tell us a bit more about your worries/fears about them knowing?
They might be able to help guide and support you and it sounds hard having to 'hide' what's going on inside..
To be honest I think I just want contact with my mum so I have a mum, does that make sense? Like at the minute, I have no one when everyone else seems to have someone
A lot has happened in the 4 years of living in this placement, most of it they are aware of. The recent incident they don't know about and I just can't tell them about it. They think that I've finally got my life back on track and Shell told me she was proud of me for how far I've come. If I then turn around and say that its just all a front, that will go
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Your carers are clearly very caring,supportive,kind and understanding etc which is great.They would help you.
Why do you feel angry and like a horrible person?You're not.
X
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Oh okay.
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Dont be,I am sorry if i seemed rude or sarcastic.I hope your okay xx