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Do long distance relationships really work?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey there :wave:
I was thinking about long distance relationships the other day - I read an article about them too which was a really good read - http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ben-michaelis-phd/love-and-relationships_b_4731003.html but the writer mentions how he thinks that long distance relationships can't work because they are based on fantasy, and that they don't have enough commitment to survive.
I disagree with the article, because last week, a really good friend of mine eloped with her partner. She lives in the US and he lives in the UK - and they have been together for a few years. They haven't had much chance to see each other, especially as for the past couple of years, they have been living in different countries. But they have been communicating a lot via Skype and have been married, and she will be settling in the UK at the end of the year.
I just wondered if any one else has had a successful long distance relationship in the past? Why did it work out? What went wrong if it didn't? Would you consider having a long-distance relationship or is it does it really depend on the person?
I was thinking about long distance relationships the other day - I read an article about them too which was a really good read - http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ben-michaelis-phd/love-and-relationships_b_4731003.html but the writer mentions how he thinks that long distance relationships can't work because they are based on fantasy, and that they don't have enough commitment to survive.
I disagree with the article, because last week, a really good friend of mine eloped with her partner. She lives in the US and he lives in the UK - and they have been together for a few years. They haven't had much chance to see each other, especially as for the past couple of years, they have been living in different countries. But they have been communicating a lot via Skype and have been married, and she will be settling in the UK at the end of the year.
I just wondered if any one else has had a successful long distance relationship in the past? Why did it work out? What went wrong if it didn't? Would you consider having a long-distance relationship or is it does it really depend on the person?
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Comments
The one thing I would say about long distance is that being apart so much can really create problems that shouldn't be there. For example, jealousy - being separate from your partner more than not that bring out an unjustified level of it that you probably wouldn't otherwise see. The important thing is knowing that it's not really called for. It's great to keep in touch via an IM and/or Skype as much as possible as well to keep as close as you can. Having as much contact (be it texting, calling, Skyping, whatever) as you can, to some degree, makes up for the lack of physical contact. Me and Lily keep in touch pretty much 24/7 and it works well for us. Communication and trust really are key for a LDR.
Another thing is that they let you keep your independence. This is great if you're not good with being tied down a lot. You can still go out as and when without too much fuss over what your other half is doing. My girlfriend's pretty fiercely independent when it comes to things like that and we have different ideas of a good night, so we can keep our differences there and we both stay content without getting in the way of each other.
I really would reiterate the communication and trust thing though. If you don't trust each other and barely talk, I'd say your LDR is unlikely to thrive. Tell each other what you feel and you can work through most problems fairly well. They certainly can work, that article's a bit bull. It makes the time you do see each other amazing as well. You savour it.
With the longest (in duration) relationship the anticipation of seeing the person again was nice, obviously we stayed in touch regularly between visits and it was good to be able to have time to myself as well. Having to wait to see them made the time we had together feel more special - we'd often go off somewhere new for a weekend away which added to the fun. Actually when we finally moved in together things didn't work out as well as we spent less time doing things together as instead of dedicating a whole weekend to spending time together day-to-day things like work, clubs and spending time with friends took over, then they'd still need time to themselves on top of that.
With the other two shorter, long distance relationships I've had distance did still add some excitement to the relationship but it also just slowed things down and allowed me to keep an emotional as well as physical distance when I really couldn't commit myself because of still being hurt from the previous relationship.
These days I think I've pretty much decided life's a lot simpler avoiding close to people but if I was ever considering a relationship again I guess I wouldn't rule out a long distance one completely as long as we could see each other at least once a week.
My little sister is actually doing the same, they've managed 4 years now as she's on a Vet degree and almost 3 hours away! I agree trust is key, as well as just talking regularly about your day etc as you would if you saw each other more.
My only other comment, based on my own experience and others I've seen, is that personally I think you need to have an end in sight, i.e. one person finishing Uni, finishing school, a job etc. Without that friends have mine have just got to a point where they realised nothing was ever actually going to change and so it couldn't last.
Some more thoughts on this here: Long Distance Relationships
Thank you so much for your replies - it's interesting to see your thoughts and takes/experiences on LDR's. I have to agree about having an end point in mind, otherwise it does seem a little pointless. Keeping in touch with each other seems like a really helpful way to feel close and involved with your partner's life.
MikeS - that's really great to hear you are having such a successful LDR - and you both have discussed the future. I think this can be such a scary topic to have with another person, especially when you aren't sure what they may say to you. Moving in is a big step - but I'm sure you won't miss the commute to see her all the time!
Thank you all for sharing
Somehow missed this thread before now. I agree with what Cat said and that was one of the many reasons why my ex and I broke up. I knew that when I finished my degree I would be moving 200 miles away and would also have the commitment of a PGCE, then a year as a newly qualified teacher etc etc. I don't want work to be my life, but realistically it will be a major influence on things I can and can't do, travelling being part of that. My ex also decided now is the best time for him to do a further degree, so he will have commitments based around that. We wanted different things, likely to be in different places. There wasn't an end to our individual plans or any sign of them merging.