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No sex??

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I am, well I thought I was, a normal 27-year-old female. I have been with my current boyfriend for just over a year now. We get along great and have so much in common. But the one thing that causes the most distress in our relationship is the sex…or lack of it, actually. He loves it. I can’t be bothered with it. I have never really been into it, even in past relationship. (Even when I see a fine-looking man on tv, sex is one of the last things I think about). When we do it, it’s mainly to fill his satisfaction. And he can see that. He won’t touch me unless I initiate it because he hates being turned down. He’s not bad. On the contrary, he’s the best I’ve ever had. Adventurous, open to new things, passionate. But still, it just doesn’t appeal to me. I don’t think about it unless the topic is brought up. We’ve had many talks about it. He just wants to understand why I don’t think about it. He says it’s not normal. He has never met anyone who just doesn’t want sex as much as I do. He wants to know why. He thinks I’m not into our relationship anymore. But that’s not true. I love him. I wouldn’t be trying to fix this if I didn’t. We thought it could be the birth control I was on. I got off of it and, while my body responds to his touch more than it did before, it hasn’t helped my initial wanting of sex. I still would rather cuddle and watch a movie, sleep, hike, plan a vacation, clean, etc. (I think you get the idea). We’ve tried watching sexual movies or shows, I read sexual books (Fifty Shades), he’s even bought me toys to try to get my sex drive up. Still nothing. It’s causing a lot of tension between us and I don’t know what to do. I do carry a lot of stress with me. I let small things bother me and keep things bottled up. I overthink almost everything and I hate when things aren’t perfect. (I know, nothing will ever be perfect.) Any advice? I feel like I’ve done everything I can do on my own. I am finally at that point where I think I need some outside help.

Comments

  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Warming up? Posts: 16,688
    There is such a thing as asexuality. An asexual doesn't feel sexual attraction, which is a kind of instinct that makes you want to have seen with people (or so I've been told). That doesn't mean that you don't feel other kinds of attraction for people, or that you can't be aroused.
    Does all this sound familiar?

    Only you can tell for sure, but it sounds like you're simply asexual. If that's the case then it may be "not normal" in the sense of "different from the norm" but it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.

    Unfortunately it doesn't seem that this will be much help in your current situation. If you're not interested in sex there's a high chance you never will be, so you and your boyfriend will always have different needs in that respect.
    Of course you can continue doing it if you both want to, but it may always be for his enjoyment far more than yours. It seems this kind of arrangement is far from rare.

    www.asexuality.org has a forum, perhaps you can find opinions of people with first-hand experience of this.

    Hopefully you'll find something you're both happy with!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Do you masturbate and if yes, do you enjoy that?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How long did you go off the birth control? Are you taking any other medications? Anti-depressants?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've heard of people being asexual. I have even looked at it a little bit. It's a definitely possibility I suppose. I would be pretty disappointed if that were my case, though. I fear I would never be able to have a healthy relationship if I "chose" that lifestyle. And people seem to enjoy sex so much. It's such a special, intimate encounter between two people. I wish I could be as sexual as the "normal" population.

    I have masturbated a few times. It does feel good, but it's not something that I crave. I could, and have, lived without it for quite some time.

    I've been off of the birth control for about 4 months now. Aside from nutritional supplements, I'm not on any other medications.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Any traumatic experiences? Molested? Abuse?

    Was there ever a point where you truly enjoyed sex but you stopped doing so?

    Also, there are (legal) herbal supplements with aphrodisiacal effect, worth looking into it maybe.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No traumatic experiences that I can think of. My dad died years back. Does that count? I think I initially enjoyed sex more than I do now. Or at least I didn't refuse it as much as I do now. I honestly can't remember my earlier sex days too much. I don't think I ever had a high sex drive though. I wonder if I just don't have a high sex drive, or if there is some sort of block (either mental or physical) that has developed that is keeping me from wanting sex. When asked why, I can't keep answering "I don't know." I need to know why. In a way, I feel like I've lost part of my identity. I'll have to look up some possible supplements that might help. That's a good idea.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If it's really bothering you it's worth seeing a doctor about it. If it's not trauma, medication or plainly not being in love/attracted to your sexual partner then there might not even be a reason and you just have a low sex drive. Are you maybe stressed? Job, Uni, other deadlines? Are you comfortable with your body?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have an appointment with my primary in a few weeks. I'll be sure to bring it up. I went to her at first when we talked about me getting off of the birth control. Maybe she'll have another suggestion since that didn't work. Yes, I am very stressed. I have always been and probably will always be. However, I don't understand why stress would keep me from doing something so natural and something that theoretically is a stress reliever. I am perfectly comfortable with my body. Though, I am still more comfortable with my clothes on.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Also, how do you get into sex? Is it a case of 'do you want sex' and the yes or no depends on whether or not you head up to bed to do the deed?

    If it's become a case of going the whole way or not at all then that could be putting subconscious pressure on the whole situation. It might be worth considering relaxing slightly more into intimacy in general. Snuggled up on the sofa watching a movie, snuggling together before going to sleep at night. Cuddling in bed when you wake up in the morning. Massage. Playing with each other (mutual masturbation). Oral. All can play a big part in a sex life, without actually ever getting to the insert part A into slot B bit of it.

    There are plenty of people who don't go from cold to thinking I want sex, but going from cuddling or massaging, to tickling, to teasing, to play fighting, to intimate touching, to 'I want you this minute' will get people going.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Stress puts a huge damper on your libido. Be sure to bring that up with your doc.
  • JamesJames Deactivated Posts: 1,706 Extreme Poster
    Just thought I'd drop a link to our article: Asexual and in love.

    Does that sound similar to how you feel kanga?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't really "get into sex:. Cuddling is great. Kissing is great. Tickling, teasing, touching...it's just that for me. It doesn't turn into an "I want you this minute" thing. That's why I don't initiate things. Normally, my partner gets into it enough for the both of us. I don't quite know how to explain it better than that. And that's the frustrating part. I don't know how to explain it.

    Thanks for that article, James. It is similar to how I'm feeling. Still, I wonder what other possibilities it could be. It's hard to imagine not wanting something so popular and necessary to keep our species alive.
  • Danny!Danny! mod Deactivated Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
    kanga86 wrote: »
    Still, I wonder what other possibilities it could be. It's hard to imagine not wanting something so popular and necessary to keep our species alive.

    I was just thinking that you seem to be focused a lot on what other people do and want. That's understandable - other people's preferences can give us a good guideline for ourselves, and it can be easy to feel we're missing out.

    But on the other hand, it's easy to caught up in that and not focus on what we want. Personally, I get no pleasure from watching football (not even the World Cup), or Harry Potter, or a cup of tea. But we're all different, and as long as we have things in our life that do satisfy us, give us pleasure, make us feel close to our loved ones; then we can learn to appreciate those as enough (that process might take some time though).

    And I wouldn't worry about the reproduction side, humans have survived a long time with a wide range of sexual preferences, so I don't think there's a universal, in-built drive for reproductive sex.

    There's a really good set of suggestions here, so do consider and check out psychological and medical factors that might lower your sex drive, and do try a range of different things with your boyfriend to make sure that you're not just missing out on your personal preferences. But do also consider that you might just have a naturally low sex drive, and that the most important thing is to be comfortable with what you do really want, rather than what you feel you should want.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for that post, Danny. I felt a little better after reading it. You're right, I can't be someone I'm not. I can't like things that I don't. I often try to put others before myself. "What can I do to make them happy or the situation easier?" And by doing so, I put a lot of pressure on myself and carry a lot of stress. It's exhausting. I will continue to look at my options and the suggestions on here (which have been great - thank you to everyone who has put in a word or two). I will continue to talk to my boyfriend. I will also talk to my doctor. And I will most likely continue to stress about the possibility of living an unorthodox life. At least I feel like I have some avenues to take now, instead of being completely in the dark.
  • Danny!Danny! mod Deactivated Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
    kanga86 wrote: »
    Thanks for that post, Danny. I felt a little better after reading it. You're right, I can't be someone I'm not. I can't like things that I don't. I often try to put others before myself. "What can I do to make them happy or the situation easier?" And by doing so, I put a lot of pressure on myself and carry a lot of stress. It's exhausting. I will continue to look at my options and the suggestions on here (which have been great - thank you to everyone who has put in a word or two). I will continue to talk to my boyfriend. I will also talk to my doctor. And I will most likely continue to stress about the possibility of living an unorthodox life. At least I feel like I have some avenues to take now, instead of being completely in the dark.

    You're welcome, that's really positive that you're going to keep communicating and moving forward :)

    It does sound like you put a lot of pressure on yourself. Which is for really nice and positive reasons, but must be exhausting. And it's also worth remembering that for a happy relationship, you both have to be happy. We should always consider our partners, and it sounds like there's no risk of you not doing that. But you should also consider yourself as equally important.

    Do keep talking here, I hope you find a bit more clarity for yourself.
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