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When is it codependency?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Been thinking about this one a lot lately. It has some personal relevance to me, too. Where is the line between well needed, justified support, and codependency? Particularly in a relationship.

Comments

  • Starry nightStarry night Posts: 674 Incredible Poster
    Well, there's the Google definition-

    excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one with an illness or addiction who requires support.

    In the post I think you mean codependency in a bad way, so I just want to say in advance I don't think it's a bad thing in all situations and some people are really happy and can work with it. In a negative example,I think it tips more into codependency when you sacrifice a large amount of your time, energy and especially time as a couple on the issue that requires the attention. When it becomes less about being someone's partner as you being the person to look after them. Another aspect is how responsible you feel they are over their own actions and life. The bad signs to be careful to look out for is when their issues are frequently given higher priority than your needs- or they do not consider your time, energy and feelings that you put in- and you get very little thanks in return. Yet, in extreme circumstances, this can't be helped, but a person would have to feel able to cope with this, with extra support.

    Particularly in a relationship if the dynamic changes more to looking after someone, caring for them, sometimes the romance and desire between people can lessen, because the type of love leans more towards looking after (and the intense feelings and exhaustion that can sometimes bring) than someone you desire. Of course, those two types can work together, but when there's a person who needs alot of help through an extended bad patch, it can temporarily alter the balance.

    Btw, I'm basing this on how I've looked after my other half through really bad patches, and also on my fathers experiences as he is a carer for my mother who has mental/physical health problems, although that's the more long term, full-on kind of codependency. Hope it helps in any way, sorry if I've just got the wrong impression of things.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi MikeS,

    Every relationship is different, and when you feel that supporting someone changes to codependency might be different to others - and if you think this is a bad thing or not.

    Has the personal relevance this topic has to you to made you view codependency it in a negative way?

    Supporting a partner in a relationship is important, but it's equally important that you're supported as well. If you want to, you could explain a bit more about your situation and we might be able to offer some more advice :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks guys. I'll be honest I forgot I posted this 'til that response (I wasn't ignoring you Starry)!

    I wasn't actually aware codependency couldn't be bad. I thought it was solely a negative trait/mindset. Starry - that made for a very interesting read and has changed my view on things somewhat.

    I used to feel extremely responsible for my girlfriend. But it got to the point where it made me a bit ill and the way I was being certainly didn't help either of us. It took me a while to accept that she's a person in her own right and is probably a hell of a lot more capable than I used to give her credit for. Recently I've detached myself from her problems on that sort of level but have still been there to support her, of course. I think it's done us both some good. She's had depression for a long while and has some issues with substance abuse/dependency (which I know Starry will be able to relate to). We're long distance as well, seeing each other once a month usually. I suppose that situation where you can't physically be there to support someone can draw out that feeling of responsibility. Lately, though, I've been taking care of myself a little more with things (this place being one of the main contributors) and I think it's helped us both out. I've been a bit more settled with it all and therefore been able to support her better, I think?

    I guess the main thing was me wondering if all this was classed as codependency and therefore a bad situation. The last thing I think we (she, really) need is another thing to add to these issues. But if it can work (which I feel it is at the moment) and isn't a black & white thing, I shall put my mind at rest. :) I'm seeing her for three weeks as of next Monday and I think it's going to help a lot, as she has taken a bit of a downturn during the past month or so.

    I'm not sure if that makes any sense... I'll probably read it back later and think "whaat?". It's been a bit of a crazy night and I responded to this as soon as I got home from work.

    Thanks again for your responses. :)
  • Danny!Danny! Deactivated Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
    That's good you two are going to get some time together :)

    I agree with the others that you have to find your own limits, and it's good that you figured that you can't support her well if supporting her makes you ill (some people never figure that one out!).

    I just wanted to add that while a certain level of support is a really positive feature of a good relationship, it's when it becomes a defining feature that maybe some alarm bells should ring. There are lots of things we need in a relationship (fun, relaxation, intimacy, excitement ...) so just have a check to make sure you're also getting the things you need. If not, then maybe you need to keep working to get the balance right. If you are, and you're providing a manageable level of support too, all good!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Danny,

    We definitely have those things between us as well. Sometimes the balance is tipped a little through rough patches but that can't be helped, like Starry Night said. :)

    So, correct me if I'm wrong... codependency just means one person relying on another? I was always under the impression that codependency was a bad thing that lead to problems. I guess kinda like a mental illness. But if this isn't the case I guess I was mislead! I was concerned that maybe if it was codependency (as I was thinking of it) then it could be a bad thing for us both. But if it's just a matter of what feels right I think we're okay.
  • Danny!Danny! Deactivated Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
    Hey MikeS

    I'm glad you have those things between you :)

    The term "codependency" does have a more technical psychological meaning along the lines of:

    "one person’s help supports (enables) the other’s underachievement, irresponsibility, immaturity, addiction, procrastination, or poor mental or physical health." (definition from this article)

    However, a good level of positive support from both partners is a healthy and important part of a relationship.

    I think one thing that definition points to is the difference between support being useful or not useful (I know this isn't always clear at the time). As a crude example, imagine that I'm very low because I got fired from my dream job, and I'm drinking way too much. If you listen to my worries and support me in finding a way forward, that's positive support, and something I might need a lot of at the time (even if you were very clear that my drinking was going too far, that wouldn't take away from the positive support).

    Imagine on the other hand that you left me to drink loads over a long period of time, and I'm doing myself a lot of damage. While it could come from the best place in the world, if your support was to tell me that what I'm doing is understandable in my situation, anyone should do it, and you'll support me in all my decisions, then that support might not be very good for me in the long run (or you!).

    I wonder if there's an issue about labels here? (always a risk with psychology!). "Codependency" in a technical usage is a label for a bad relationship pattern. An alternative term for relationships where each partner relies on each other in a healthy way is "interdependence".

    So, as you have lots of other positive things in your relationship, you've found your balance between your own health and responsibility and supporting her, and it feels right, then it sounds to me like you've got things about right :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Danny! wrote: »
    I think one thing that definition points to is the difference between support being useful or not useful (I know this isn't always clear at the time). As a crude example, imagine that I'm very low because I got fired from my dream job, and I'm drinking way too much. If you listen to my worries and support me in finding a way forward, that's positive support, and something I might need a lot of at the time (even if you were very clear that my drinking was going too far, that wouldn't take away from the positive support).

    Imagine on the other hand that you left me to drink loads over a long period of time, and I'm doing myself a lot of damage. While it could come from the best place in the world, if your support was to tell me that what I'm doing is understandable in my situation, anyone should do it, and you'll support me in all my decisions, then that support might not be very good for me in the long run (or you!).

    I wonder if there's an issue about labels here? (always a risk with psychology!). "Codependency" in a technical usage is a label for a bad relationship pattern. An alternative term for relationships where each partner relies on each other in a healthy way is "interdependence".

    This really helped. Thank you, Danny!
  • Danny!Danny! Deactivated Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
    You're welcome :)
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