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Loving Someone with Autism

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I have been dating a guy with high functioning autism for over a year and a half now, who I care for very much, and have done my best to learn about Autism and apply my understanding to situations I had previously been unfamiliar with. We're currently working on a long distance relationship. Before his moving away we were together every night due to both of our busy work schedules we knew at the end of the day we'd be eating a late dinner and going to sleep together. It was never necessary to communicate over the phone or texting to keep in touch. Now I can spend days texting him or calling, telling him I miss him, or I can't wait to see him next, or even simply I hope he had a good day. Often he will not respond, and I have become used to that. Once more than five days have gone by without a returned phone call or returned text message I sometimes tend to get worried. He will sometimes admit he's ignoring me, and then say nothing else. I understand this is a frequent situation that occurs (based upon other articles I've read online) I'm beginning to wonder where I should draw the line, my feelings will become so hurt after a week or so of being ignored that i feel as though he no longer wants to be with me, despite the re-occurrence of this issue and his assurance that he would tell me. It drives me to a point of feeling so lonely and as if I'm of no importance to him, when I tell him this he reassures me it isn't true and he's apologetic, but I've noticed his actions will never change. Is this normal? Should I leave it alone or should I keep bringing this topic up?

I guess in every other relationship I had been completely and totally smothered with text messages and phone calls by my significant other that they would begin drive me mad, and now I'm dealing with a situation that is the complete opposite. I'm wondering if I should just let this go? Learn to understand that even when we are together it is fantastic and wonderful, and learn to cope with the distance between communication sometimes? Or is this something I shouldn't constantly be attempting to accept and just stop putting up with it? This is someone I really don't want to lose, but I don't know how handle or approach this, I'm looking for someone to relate with and for some advice.

Thanks!

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Due to his autism I doubt you will ever be able to change him. What you need to internalize is, that he is not doing it out of malice, but due to the fact that his mind works differently (sorry if this sounds very layman-ish) and that he cannot relate to the kind of feelings and emotions you have. It sounds unfair that you have to deal with this, I agree, but these are special circumstances and you will have to decide for yourself if you can resign on a tight rapport over distance or if this is a dealbreaker to you. As long you as you can trust him to be faithful and you can trust yourself you won't look for love in other places when you feel neglected, then keep in mind that these long distance times could be a great opportunity to do things by yourself and spend time with friends. As they say: Absence makes the heart grow fonder
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    Due to his autism I doubt you will ever be able to change him. What you need to internalize is, that he is not doing it out of malice, but due to the fact that his mind works differently (sorry if this sounds very layman-ish) and that he cannot relate to the kind of feelings and emotions you have. It sounds unfair that you have to deal with this, I agree, but these are special circumstances and you will have to decide for yourself if you can resign on a tight rapport over distance or if this is a dealbreaker to you. As long you as you can trust him to be faithful and you can trust yourself you won't look for love in other places when you feel neglected, then keep in mind that these long distance times could be a great opportunity to do things by yourself and spend time with friends. As they say: Absence makes the heart grow fonder

    :yes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm with StrubbleS on this.
  • Danny!Danny! mod Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
    ClearCoat wrote: »
    I guess in every other relationship I had been completely and totally smothered with text messages and phone calls by my significant other that they would begin drive me mad, and now I'm dealing with a situation that is the complete opposite. I'm wondering if I should just let this go? Learn to understand that even when we are together it is fantastic and wonderful, and learn to cope with the distance between communication sometimes? Or is this something I shouldn't constantly be attempting to accept and just stop putting up with it? This is someone I really don't want to lose, but I don't know how handle or approach this, I'm looking for someone to relate with and for some advice.

    Hi ClearCoat

    I just wanted to say that when I read this paragraph there are a few 'should's in it regarding what you decide to do.

    I think when it comes to relationships, a 'should' direction can be a bit misleading, and it can be worth thinking about what you can do, and what you want to do.

    Some people love speaking to their partner multiple times a day, other people love having their own space. Neither way is more right, but it's important that the way your relationship works at least gets towards how you'd like it to.

    It's also worth thinking about what you feel able to manage, with you as you are at the moment. Sometimes it's amazing what we can learn to accept and be happy with. But other times an ongoing issue like this can really run us down. It's worth giving acceptance a good go, but also having an idea of how much you can manage.

    Also, keep talking to people about it - the more you do that, the clearer things should become.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you should talk to him and agree on what is and isn't ok for both of you in terms of contact.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi ClearCoat :wave:

    A lot of issues within relationships come about when you are both not on the same page or aware of the needs of the other person.

    Sometimes it can be hard to adjust when we have previously been used to the opposite treatment but as he has said it doesn’t always have to mean that you are of no importance to him it maybe just the way he functions.

    It might be worth having a chat with him. You may feel better just to tell him and get it off your chest before making any decisions about what you should do.

    Ultimately everyone is different in how much contact they need. However if this is making you this unhappy talking to him and letting him know exactly how you feel seems like the best thing to do - at least then you may be able to come to some compromise which suits you both.

    Hope this helps.
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