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Things you would want/need to sort or have before moving in together
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Me and MrRiot are thinking of moving in together at some point next year - it will take a lot of consideration and might mean us living with my mum for a while if i'm still not well, and it could take a long time as i'd have to look for a council house transfer which could take a while especially considering i'm in a very good position and need to be in the right area. But considering i've moved in with a boyfriend before and it turned very sour very quickly i really want to do everything i can think of to make sure that i'm doing it properly and that i am doing the right thing.
Current pros
- better libraries to do my study from
- more friends here
- more accessible city
- more things to do
Current cons
- spent a lot of time and money doing up my current place
- would need to move all my medical stuff up here
- i would have to be re-assessed (which may mean i lose some or all of my care package)
- would need to spend money on a new place that i currently don't have (but i have time to save up)
Any ideas of things i should be thinking about? I know i need to be saving up about 1.5k to cover costs of redecoration, carpets, and moving costs plus maybe a bit more if the garden needs a lot of work (asides planting up and putting my fruit trees in it), which is going to take some time to save. I'm aware that if we broke up i'd yet again be in a strange city but because it big unlike the small town i'm in now i'd be able to make friends that weren't connected. I didn't want to be in a city after leaving London, but there seem to be lots of parks here so that helps. I know that the whole accessibility issue and lack of friends where i live now is making me want to push the move - and the fact that he said that he's happy to move in with me and my mum if needed for a while makes me feel more confident about it. I'm just concerned because it would be a big move and we're looking a long way ahead but theres months and months of prep needed to make it as smooth as possible.
Current pros
- better libraries to do my study from
- more friends here
- more accessible city
- more things to do
Current cons
- spent a lot of time and money doing up my current place
- would need to move all my medical stuff up here
- i would have to be re-assessed (which may mean i lose some or all of my care package)
- would need to spend money on a new place that i currently don't have (but i have time to save up)
Any ideas of things i should be thinking about? I know i need to be saving up about 1.5k to cover costs of redecoration, carpets, and moving costs plus maybe a bit more if the garden needs a lot of work (asides planting up and putting my fruit trees in it), which is going to take some time to save. I'm aware that if we broke up i'd yet again be in a strange city but because it big unlike the small town i'm in now i'd be able to make friends that weren't connected. I didn't want to be in a city after leaving London, but there seem to be lots of parks here so that helps. I know that the whole accessibility issue and lack of friends where i live now is making me want to push the move - and the fact that he said that he's happy to move in with me and my mum if needed for a while makes me feel more confident about it. I'm just concerned because it would be a big move and we're looking a long way ahead but theres months and months of prep needed to make it as smooth as possible.
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Comments
What were the triggers to things turning sour with your last attempt at moving in with a boyfriend? That might give you some pointers of things you need to speak about before moving in together. For example, I was very clear that I need alone time and space quite often (as that went wrong before!) so I was quite clear with this and whilst I've had to be a bit clearer it's generally worked better.
If you get benefits of any sort, it's certainly worth checking how they would be affected by moving in with a partner- it can make a big difference.
It's good you're planning this well in advance. From my own experience, as well as learning from other people's mistakes, I think it's really important to talk through how living together would work for you in practice, and how all the little things would work. Financial things can end up being big issues if you disagree, so it's worth establishing how you would split rent, pay for shopping etc.
But also the way in which you use your time and relate to each other can be really different when you live together. For example, when you live separately then time together often has more boundaries in terms of being a separate space from everyday life. Living together can mean practicalities getting mixed up in everything unless you find a way of separating off couple space. It sounds like you have some concerns after your previous experience, so talk through those with MrRiot.
And if at all possible, find a way of living together somewhere you would be happy to stay if you did break up in the future. That would take a big pressure off you as a couple. It sounds like you've got a healthy approach thinking about making your own new friends when you get there.
Things that turned it sour were mainly my ex's glaring mental health issues which he refused to see. And we didn't have enough in common I think.
We're spending a few weeks staying together at the moment so we can get a flavour of how it will be - but things would obviously different though!
It sounds like you're putting a lot of thought into this, which surprisingly a lot of people don't. So you're on to a good start
There's a lot more to think about than just me and him now, it's kind of a big step up in terms of life I guess. Not that it's going to happen for a while though!!
As an example - housing benefit is based on household income, so that will almost definitely change.
The following links might help:
http://www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/money/benefits-and-livingtogether-html,177,FP.html
https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/259725/dwp015.pdf
There are also quite a few similar threads on Netmum's which might be worth a read as they have CAB advisors that respond.
Your both grown adults and having money coming in so it's not like ur gonna be worser off or anything but it is a good idea to go through finances so u know exactly what u need to pay and what bills u need pay. The Citizen Advice Bureau have lots of advice on the subject so it's worth looking at that when u have time and discussing that with ur bf two or The Site might have some time useful tips on moving out so again its worth looking at and writing down useful information.
Im sure ur bf feels just the same as u do by finding it scary moving somewhere new with not knowing anyone and wether u like where u live. These are all reasonable questions that ur asking urself but it's suppose to normal and exciting so go with flow as life is all about taking u places. I think speaking to The citizens Advice Bureau will help u understand wether or not ur income u receiving no e will effect ur move and if ur entilled to any other benefits. They can also work out for u wh st money u got coming in and what money ur bf has got coming in so even if u don't understand if ur any better off the citizens advice will be able to help with that.
Now with ur care plan it maybe that u need to get back in touch with the organisation on behalf of package and wether u need to switch the care package ur on or if u may need to be referred to another service who can put u on another care package so u can receive the same benefits as u did with ur previous one so it's worth talking to them about it nearer the time. You will have to obviously sign up to another pharmacy where u are to recieve ur prescription in order to carry on taking it as normal or it may just be included with ur package already. That's a separate matter for u to discuss with them on ur own.
The chances are for u both to moving to an area with a lot more facilities is greater now then it is now so it's likely that u will have a library, a school, a shopping centre and a gym in ur new area where the chances of opportunitys are high especially looking for work where there wasn't another jobs going at urs before but u no need to worry anymore. Everything will remain the same and there's more pros to moving then there is staying.
Your make new friends where ever u are so dont worry if ur the newebies people will still love to get to know u and u would to but family maybe a bit more of a problem then ur friends but busting can be arranged, transport can be gained and talking over the phone can be saved.
So don't worry if u think ur gonna have no one there u know u will eventually start to get to know people. Where was u thinking of moving to? You said something about London but could of been u use to live in London? London is really expensive to live lol. I'm sure u and ur bf will work something out but we are here to help
Some CABs have a telephone service too, and Turn2Us have one here: http://www.turn2us.org.uk/about_us/our_work/turn2us_helpline.aspx
TheSite' Local Advice Finder can also be really good to find advice centres other than the CAB, I've used it for myself in London.
What about meeting new people? Ideas about where I could do that? I'm trying to find knitting groups, but not coming up with much so I might search out for some craft shops and see if they have one (with a mix of age groups not just retired people!). Any other ideas of how I could meet people? It's a large city so there should be plenty of opportunities out there, just not sure where to start.
With starting up with knitting classes or craft classes if u can't find any local ones around ur area then there's a good website called DOIT.org.uk where u can search ur local area including what u want to search for what is knitting and see where ur nearest branch is. That something u can do?
Good idea could be starting up it own knitting class by buying all the materials and a handy seeing book to knowing how to get started. Generally the wider community who go to knitting classes are older people so maybe that's worth considering.
I hope Turn2Us can help.
Do you know meetup.com ? They have a lot of different things going on, including lots of knitting groups! Calling local craft shops and asking sounds a really good idea as well, they should have some ideas.
I'd think of it as an ongoing process - if you meet enough new people that you get on with a bit, some of them will end up being people you get closer to. So putting yourself in situations where people share an interest with you, or a meaningful experience, would be a really good start. You can find meetup groups for most things, which would be a good start.
Adult education colleges often have really good rates for courses if you're on benefits - you can meet people and pick up new skills (often cake decorating ones, but not exclusively!).
Going to public lectures or religious places or meditation groups can work really well if they interest you anyway; whether it's a place of worship, a privately run group, or a public lecture venue (like Conway Hall in London).
Finding a public place such as a cafe, pub or bar where you'd like to be a regular can work really well too - it can take more time to get to know people in those situations, but being a regular face makes a massive difference.
And any work or volunteering can be really good too.
Does any of that seem useful? Let me know what you manage to find
If you can't live in the same place for the moment, maybe it would be worth considering still moving to the same city, but living in separate houses for a little while? I know it's not the same as living together, but you could still spend a lot of time together.
And in some ways it would give you more time and space to work on developing your own networks when you get there? If you can find a job that you enjoy and settle into, then as well as all the benefits that come with work (satisfaction, reward, independence, meeting people ...), it would take you away from needing means-tested benefits, and then you'd be able to move in together when you're ready.
That's good that u went to see the citizens advice bureau and they worked out wether u will still recieve ur benefits. Now u know the answer I would go forward from here and see if remaining in the same neighbourhood might help u still receive the same amount as ur getting. It may still effect ur income what ur getting but u should still get ur benefits. What benefits do u get? Either way there will be a solution to ur problem, might just take time.
That's normal how ur feeling as its been tough for u with everything going on. You may just need to explore ur other options and again going through ur bills what u would have to pay. There's this website u heard called The Money Advice Service were they will give u more information about income and ways to save ur money so that u have the right approuch to moving in with ur partner. There's loads more on the website two but not actually been on it myself. That something u could look into?
Don't worry ur not on ur own, ur bf proverly feels the same two and it's good that he is working so u both can live better.
Going to bars and clubs again is a good way of meeting people but from going out myself does take time to make friends as those same people might always be out as what Dan has said. Being confident and working on ur self esteem will help u to make friends. There's more on the site pages.
The DOIT website is another one u should look into as there's is more of volunteering near u and work placements u can start also. You need to go onto the search box and type in ur area then wh st activity u want to do. There's loads more on the website.
Making friends will take time but eventually u will. Need to get to know people at the right place at the right time and as soon ur become a regular the better
The reason I'm getting benefits is because I'm not well enough to work right now so that kind of takes that out of the equation.
Clubbing is also out of the equation because I can't get into the majority of clubs as they don't exactly cater to the disabled crowd by being accessible. I'd love to go to gatecrasher sometime but I've been told they have no lifts and lots of stairs.
So my only option is to see if I can move to a nearby area on my own like you guys suggested. I'd still need to see if I could get support from adult social services to cover my care needs - if they recognised my needs at night then that would bump my benefits up so that we could live together.
Right now I'm feeling a bit deflated, I spoke to MrRiot about it a lot last night and I think the moving up and making friends option makes the most sense really anyway. I just need to find out if that's a possibility or not as well.
I know the money is the problem but if u both sit down and work out wh u got coming in and coming out then u should have a figure to what u have got left. Money like for food, electric, heat, tv license, building work and hot water etc. These things will help u in the long run for u to be wise with ur money/finances. Other finances maybe included but that's for u only to know what ur circumstances are. Your care plan may have to change but speaking to ur carer will help u answer ur questions and once u move u will have everything from the package ur on switched to the best one to suit ur needs. They can help u with that.
That's a shame u can't go to any clubs as u need stairs or a lift to get u there but I'm sure there are other groups around where ur likely to be moving to where they can cater for people with mobility problems. You just need to find out more information online about it and what classes they run. You said u wanted to make friends and by u moving with Mr Riot will help u with that. I think u will be better off moving then staying where u are which isn't giving u resources u need
Need to speak to ur bf again and for him not being able to see his sonson maybe the answer to move closer to him so they can spend more time with each other. There a bus service u can use to get out and about? Along as there is one what comes regularly then u shouldn't have to worry about it. Also how often do u see the job centre? Best to ask them when u next go if u will be better off moving with the benefits u receive as the money ur getting is viral for u to live off.
Please think about what I have said
I'm still looking at groups that I can actually access, still not coming up with much!
He lives close to his son, it's me that lives much further away.
I don't ever need to go to the job centre.
Oh ok I thought it was Mr Riot what couldn't see his son, how often does he go and see him and when he does he come back to see u or is it again the distance? That's the problem here. You think about moving so everyone can be happy, u will more time to see him and he will be able to see his son two.
Shame there's still no classes u can join but keep ur options open as it may not even be a class u can do, maybe a course at one of the training centres where u can meet people who are on the same level as u and get a recognised qualification afterwards. Better to do that then do nothing. You must get bored and being out and about learning a skill is what u should aim for. Keep ur eyes peeled.
With ur finances and money coming in and out its worth booking an appointment with the job centre cuz u receive benefits for ur mobilty and finding out wether u will reciebe more money in moving will help u decide with Mr Riot if its a good choice or not. Your care plan may have to be discussed with the caters u got at the moment but it's worth finding out more so can be clear what u are gonna do. Do u have transport to get to and from places or does Mr Riot drive? The transport maybe a lot better once u move.
I'm here if u wanna talk x
MrRiot's goes to him on weekend and he goes to see him on a night once a week. He lives about 4 miles away. Like I keep saying I live 60 miles away from MrRiot.
I'm doing a distance learning masters I don't have time to do any other courses.
Sorry to hear about the financial barrier preventing you from moving in with the Mr - how frustrating!
^ that sounds like a solid plan. When you say you'd be down £250 each month, is that if you did move in together or if you moved closer but had your own place?
Hope you're able to find some good news soon!
I only thought of job centre because they maybe another service u can go to for support with ur money but if u have already tried that then u and Mr Riot have to go through things urself if no was any help. I think u need to give others a chance as ur saying no to everything. What can we do to help u? Let us in so we can help u!
You are a nice girl and have wise mind but I dont think u like being told what to do or anything and that's something u may have to work on. Good that u got Mr Riot to support u but is there no wah of ur mum supporting u or a sister or brother? There's got to be someone atleast.
I'm happy that u have already signed up to a course which is good to hear so maybe looking to meet people ie something to look into. There could be youth centres or voulnteeringring places u can join to make friends. Didn't u say u volunteer? Would be good if u volunteered somewhere else aswell but in a different environment. There's a website called DOIT.org.uk where they help u find places to volunteer in ur local community.
You dont have to take my advice or not, I'm not trying to do that. Although u got to let people try and help u now and again cuz ur end up losing people and I know cuz I've been there. I'm not trying to sound horrible but I haven't done anything wrong to u and I've been respectful towards u. I suppose u can't get on with everyone and u can only make the effort to.
I'm here if u wanna talk buy if not then it was nice knowing u and hope it goes well with the move.
Ive been using this site for many years and I do let people in but I will let people know when they are suggesting things that are unsuitable for me. For example - I don't have siblings and my mother doesn't earn enough to support herself let alone support me.
Aww sorry to hear ur having a stressful time at the moment with moving into another house/flat. Some pople giving ur good advice here. Well dine for posting