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Past abuse and self pleasure

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi guys :waves:

This is uber embarrassing but I need to get some advice on this before I go crazy! :crying:

As some of you know, I was sexually abused when I was living at home and when I went on contact. I am safe now though and hasn't happened since Christmas but I have to confess something...

Since the age of 11 I have been pleasuring myself. Its wrong I know considering what has happened to me but I saw about it on the internet and people said it felt good so I tried it. Turns out after 7 years of doing this, I have never reached an orgasm. Why? Am I doing it wrong or is there something wrong with me?

Sorry if this is a bit embarrassing to read :\

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    BeckiBoo wrote: »

    Since the age of 11 I have been pleasuring myself. Its wrong I know considering what has happened to me but I saw about it on the internet and people said it felt good so I tried it. Turns out after 7 years of doing this, I have never reached an orgasm. Why? Am I doing it wrong or is there something wrong with me?

    First of all, this is not wrong. Just because of past trauma does not mean you can't or shouldn't pleasure yourself. Actually it is not uncommon that people with a history of abuse express their sexuality differently, sometimes very excessively.

    The not reaching an orgasm can have many reasons. Could be related to the abuse, but does not have to be. I have heard from girls before that they cannot achieve an orgasm by themselves (sans abuse). Some woman seemingly cannot reach an orgasm whatever they do, others have not tried enough different things. If you are only using fingers, consider a vibrator or the jet of your showerhead. It's also a matter of what you think about and if you can focus or if you are distracted.

    I am sure someone with actual experience on this matter will show up and give more qualified advice.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    The not reaching an orgasm can have many reasons. Could be related to the abuse, but does not have to be. I have heard from girls before that they cannot achieve an orgasm by themselves (sans abuse). Some woman seemingly cannot reach an orgasm whatever they do, others have not tried enough different things. If you are only using fingers, consider a vibrator or the jet of your showerhead. It's also a matter of what you think about and if you can focus or if you are distracted.

    Thanks for answering. Is there anything I can do? I really feel like I am missing out
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    BeckiBoo wrote: »

    Thanks for answering. Is there anything I can do? I really feel like I am missing out

    I am sitting here and trying to think of a way to advise on that topic without coming over as a pervy creep, but I can't come up with a way, so I am just doing it bluntly: How do you masturbate?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    I am sitting here and trying to think of a way to advise on that topic without coming over as a pervy creep, but I can't come up with a way, so I am just doing it bluntly: How do you masturbate?
    What he said.

    Have you tried changing things up a bit? Stimulating different parts etc.?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Errm well I sorter rub down there.. Oh God this is embarrassing

    Sent from my C1905 using Tapatalk
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    BeckiBoo wrote: »
    Errm well I sorter rub down there.. Oh God this is embarrassing

    Maybe you should consider talking to a therapist about this. The attitude that masturbation embarrasses you can be reason that you can't get off, because you cannot mentally let go and truly enjoy it. I think this plays a much bigger role than just being unfamiliar with more efficient masturbation techniques.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would have to pay for therapy though :\
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    BeckiBoo wrote: »
    I would have to pay for therapy though :\

    I have heard therapist having adjustable rates for people with low liquidity. Worth checking out if this poses a big issue for you.

    The cheaper variant would be of course just trying different things like buying a vibrator, explore for more sensitive spots, showerhead etc., but that would somehow just get rid of symptoms and not getting to the root of the problem.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Agree with Strubbs. Masturbation is perfectly normal and shouldn't be something you're ashamed of.

    Try doing something that makes you feel relaxed - have a bath or something and just lie on your bed and explore yourself. Try using a bit of lubricant (or saliva works just as well), and just...play. Work out what feels nice for you and what feels less nice. Don't focus on trying to orgasm, from experience that can be counter productive. Just let yourself relax and try and understand your body.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Some really good advice from frankipanda there ^^.

    I also wanted to drop in our info from TheSite on this, we have an article on Masturbation and one on How to orgasm that you might find useful to read :)
  • Danny!Danny! Deactivated Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
    Hi BeckiBoo, please don't feel embarrassed about posting here, that's what we're here for :)

    Following others, I think the best piece of advice is "try everything at least once and remember what you like".

    I just wanted to add in a couple more links:

    Sh! Is a sex shop tun "by women, for women", and their website has lots of really good and detailed advice pages, including a Guide to orgasms.

    Lovehoney is a big online sex store with a great range of products with user reviews (there are of course many other stores you can find online). They also have a forum where you might be able to get some quite detailed answer and tips.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Omg I am so embarrassed that so many people have seen this thread, including a mod! Dam it. Wish I had never made it now
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    BeckiBoo wrote: »
    Omg I am so embarrassed that so many people have seen this thread, including a mod! Dam it. Wish I had never made it now

    What exactly did you expect when posting about a problem, to be ignored? It almost sounds more like you revel in being in this exposed state.

    Whatever it is, I think you received good advice and you should start working on not being embarrassed about normal, common things like masturbation, be it doing it or talking about it anonymously on the internet.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I certainly don't! How dare you!

    Sent from my C1905 using Tapatalk
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    BeckiBoo wrote: »
    I certainly don't! How dare you!

    Sent from my C1905 using Tapatalk
    While he may have been a bit harsh, Strubbs does have a point. You made this thread for a reason, and you will have known that people would see it.

    However, that doesn't take away from the fact that there's clearly a larger issue at play. Masturbation is *completely normal*, and totally healthy. While it may not be your average subject of natter, this is an anonymous forum where nobody knows you and there's no need to feel embarrassed.

    One of the things I will always advocate is being comfortable with your sexuality. As an example, I will proudly tell the world that I'm poly (non monogamous), that I masturbate regularly, that I'm into kinky sex, that I watch porn all the time, and that the fact that it's been three months since I had sex is killing me. Today I told some of my friends at work that someone I play WoW with called me a nymphomaniac, and they all said, "...but you are".

    I'm not saying any of that to brag. I'm trying to show you that there is nothing to be ashamed of. While you may not want to shout it from the rooftops, there's nothing shameful or embarrassing about asking a group of strangers behind a computer screen for tips on what is, essentially, the best way to make you feel good ever. We've all done it, we all know how strange it can be to explore your body and learn ways to please yourself that you never knew existed. It's normal and it's healthy and it's totally ok.

    The best advice I can give you is to stop worrying and just...let it happen. Go into your own private little bubble and allow yourself to let go and enjoy it. Try and forget about the terrible things that happened. They don't mean you can't enjoy your own body. And once you've learned how to make it feel good for you, you're one step closer to maybe letting other people try too.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I was abused as a kid and in my early teens I masturbated excessively. Its very common among abuse survivors to have issues around sex and masturbation and as frankipanda has said masturbation is completely normal. I have had periods of time when its been difficult to orgasm and i have had psychosexual counselling on the NHS (although didn't find it as helpful as working it out myself).

    There are some books which you may find helpful - healing sex by staci hanes is particularly helpful for helping accept your sexuality after experiencing sexual trauma, but you may also find the courage to heal books helpful too.
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