Home Health & Wellbeing
Fill out The Mix's Annual User Survey for a chance to win a £200 Amazon voucher, to shape our services, and get closer to earning a badge!
Need support urgently? Click here

Old Demons

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I guess I've been feeling pretty good for the past few months....but fairly recently I've felt like some of the old issues I had are returning and hitting me rapidly quicker than I ever expected.

The last few months have been pretty stressful with changing jobs, etc but recently my family had a huge fall out and now no-one is talking to each other - although me and my Mum are talking. I stayed out of it as much as I could, as the whole thing is pretty pathetic but I ended up being dragged into it last weekend and ever since I've suffered with anxiety attacks that I've not had in a very long time. I've got my final exams coming up so I would assume that's a contributing factor but things that would normally really help keep me feeling stable just aren't working. I've cut myself off from people but at the same time realised what I'm doing and tried to keep in contact/arrange to go out, etc. The gym is something else that despite how low I feel I will drag myself to go but I feel so drained that I get annoyed that I'm not exercising as hard as I would when I'm feeling good.

I guess I just feel pretty lonely as people don't necessarily understand what it's like to suffer with anxiety (I don't mean that about the people here) and I feel a bit of a failure that I managed to keep it under control for so long and then something so silly set it off again.

Not really looking for advice - probably more of a kick up the bum to sort myself out...and just to relate to people who "get it".


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    First things first - you are a bloody brilliant young lady.

    Secondly - I feel an overload of trite sayings and internet go arounds might come in helpful. As the old adage goes:
    You can pick your friends, you can't pick your family

    That one exists for good reason, because everyone's family causes them grief at some time or another to a greater or lesser extent. It doesn't make the row your family are currently having any less of an issue to you - but it might help put things into perspective that all families are like that at some time and you definitely aren't responsible for it and can't fix it. So the best thing you can do for yourself is to try and stay out of it as much as you can, get on with your life and pick up again when they grow up.

    Do try not to be so hard on yourself. You've got your last exam coming up - that would be stressful to everyone. Most people with finals coming up aren't social butterflys - so it's good that you're not cutting yourself off from everyone completely, but being a short term bookworm to get through your finals is perfectly normal. Likewise - diet and exercise taking a hit is pretty normal too, so the fact you're not doing as much in the gym as you would otherwise is also perfectly normal and the fact you're still going means you're doing better than most.

    Well done missy.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks SM...I know everything you said makes aense but I can't help feeling like I'm unhappy but have no reason to be. I should be ok...but I'm not...I know it makes no sense...it doesnt to me!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    At least if you know it makes sense - that's a good start.

    I'm not sure I'd go as far to say that you've got no reason to be unhappy, you've had to deal with a reasonably large pile of rubbish stuff in life - which is fair grounds to not be hyper happy all the time. Doesn't mean your condemned to be miserable - but you need to give yourself some space to have a full range of emotions.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    True...just don't like feeling like this...kinda feel a bit lost/on my own...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Really struggling this evening...horrible negative thoughts that I can't shake off or distract myself from...really thought I was past all this...such a failure.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Definitely not a failure. So far from it, it's unreal.

    Pop along to general chat if you fancy a distraction.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I only have access to the internet on my phone at the moment so I can't make chat... :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I had a situation at work today and desperately need some advice/reassurance.

    It would appear my "keeping a lid on things" doesn't work with the head of my team and today she had a meeting with me to discuss my wellbeing. Without specifically saying it she hinted that my stress/anxiety levels are too high and she is concerned I am developing an eating disorder.

    To put things in perspective...I have my last exam in a week, my manager and colleague are both on holiday and I'm still only 10 weeks into a new role in a totally different sector. I've also had family problems recently but they are somewhat resolved now. Although my other manager has informed me that the probationary period is not formal and head of my team has made no suggestions to make me think I'm on my way out for not meeting expectations I can't help feeling I have so much to prove.

    She told me today that she sees me as a "future star of the organisation" and that I am more than proving myself to everyone but she also thinks I'm putting extreme amounts of pressure on myself and is concerned that in my efforts to achieve my career aspirations I'm putting my own health and wellbeing at risk. She has told me to contact our Employee Assistance Programme for "professional help". She asked me some pretty probing questions about my background but I'm not comfortable discussing them with someone I've known 5 minutes. I literally feel like I'm being forced into contacting EAP but dont want to go down that route but at the same time I feel like I should just comply to keep them happy or they'll get rid of me. So confused and worried...not how I want to finish a Friday!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounds like she's desperately trying to be nice, and just failing in the execution.

    I'm pretty sure EAP is confidential, so she's unlikely to know whether you do or not. Sounds highly unlike,y that they'll get rid if she's described you as a future star. Can you do something more practical to show you've taken her advice on board? Like ask for some help with something, a half day holiday for last minute revision, extra time to finish something because others are away?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She told me none of it was meant to be criticism and that it was genuine concern for my sake so part of me knows that it's my frame of mind that's making me worry - at the same time I did want to tell her that telling me all this was just making me more anxious and therefore not helping the situation!

    She wants a follow up meeting after my exam once I've got that out of the way and had time to think about her suggestion! It all started because on Tuesday I requested a days annual leave for my exam (which has been agreed) but I can't help feeling that had I not requested the leave none of this would have come up.

    The whole thing was posed as a "catch up" so she could see what I had been working on in my manager's absence...I also made a point of telling her there were elements I hadn't worked on because I had to prioritise and they weren't priority.

    There is so much to this but I just don't even know where to start. Part of me worries that this "genuine concern" is a mask for a way to get me to leave but then why tell me I'm ambitious, a rising star, etc, etc...arghhhh why do I have to over analyse/second guess everything!!!!!!!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Because you're a smart cookie and you set high standards for yourself. I'm exactly the same. And if I was in the same position as you, I'd be having the same panic. It's far easier when you're giving advice to someone else.

    It sounds like if you can learn how to get used to her, she could be a good person to build a relationship with. You've clearly got a lot of ambition deep down, and a lot of drive. Sounds like she sees potential in you, so that's a combination that has good potential. It's also worth remembering that taking advantage of an EAP isn't a bad thing to d, of its going to help you.

    From what you've said, it sounds like you're worried about how you're settling into the new role and the new sector. The exam is going to sort itself out in a very short period of time, so that will be that off the list. It sounds like things in the family front might be settling down slightly, which lsi good news. Which leaves work and the eating thing she mentioned. only you can know whether or not that's a valid concern, but looking at things in the context of finals isn't really making a fair assessment on life.

    What's your new work like about mentoring? Is it something that ever gets mentioned? If you're concerned about how you're settling inoto a new sector, then maybe a line in the conversation to take would be to ask about that. If you don't think EAP is right for you at the moment, but that having someone to talk career development and the new sector through with might be helpful then that might be a way to go?

    You can also have a think about how much you want to share about what's gone/going on I'm life outside wof work. That one is up to you. There are get out clauses in conversations like that, things like "I've had a few issues with some family things in life, but that seems to have settled down a lot now, which is a relief". It makes an acknowledgment to it, puts it off the list for the ti,e being, and doesn't particularly invite any ,ore questions..

    Hope you're getting some time do enjoy the sunshine.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry...literally had my head in books but the exam is now over!

    I have just signed up to our mentoring scheme but I'm not sure EAP is right for me at this time. She is adamant there is more and won't drop the subject but she hasn't talked to me on a 1-2-1 since our initial conversation as we agreed to get my exam over so she isn't yet aware I have signed up for it.

    I did attempt to acknowledge the home stuff in a vague way but she won't drop it and I'm reaching a point where I think I should just tell her detailed basics and then be straight and tell her she doesn't need to know anymore. But I'm not overly comfortable in doing so. At least with the exam and uni over with, my head feels clearer!!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Does this work
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry, got hit by the posting problems.

    So does this exam being over mean that you're now done with uni?

    Signing up for the mentoring scheme sounds like a good plan, you can hopefully use that as something proactive you've done to help things settle down. Getting exams out of the way is always a massive relief, I'm not surprised that with a new job and exams you're possibly slightly less than relaxed at times.

    I guess some options might be:
    * tell her you've got in touch with EAP, even if you haven't
    * Get in touch with them
    * Don't get in touch with them, and politely suggests she minds her own business
    * Don't get in touch with them, next time you have a 1:1 tell her that you're relieved that your exam is out of the way, that you've signed up for the mentoring programme and you're really looking forward to that as you think it could help you get used to the new industry much more quickly, and that you were having a few issues outside of work, you're grateful for her concern, that it's all settled down massively but thank you for the suggestion of EAP and I'll definitely bear it in mind if there are issues again in the future.
Sign In or Register to comment.