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Is there something wrong?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
My whole life I have known something had happened during my childhood and a few months ago I contacted an agency who I know dealt with things when I was a child and I requested all the information they had pertaining to me. Around a week ago I received a huge envelope full of court hearings, letters, cards and other government-style documents regarding my childhood and what happened. Although 99% of it I have no memory have there were bits which sounded familiar and when I read the accusations (he was never sentenced as I was too afraid to repeat my initial allegations) I didn't feel shocked at all - I just accepted it although what I read was quite shocking. Also I believe, despite not being consciously aware of anything that happened at the time, I think what happened may still be effecting me to this day. I have never remembered anything I have dreamt about, despite waking up screaming and crying when I was a child I still couldn't remember why. Also when friends get close to me I find it hard to trust them and even when I have I find it hard to discuss things with them and end up going into a mood and not talking to them for days at a time because I can't bring myself to confront the issue. I haven't seen my father for over 18 years and my mother threw me out 3 years ago too and told me she didn't love me anymore. I'm afraid that something might be wrong because of the lack of shock at what I read, the things that happened with my mother and what I am now doing to friends.
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Comments
I wonder if contacting that agency felt like a pretty big step for you? As someone reading your situation I imagine it was a difficult and brave step to take. From what you've said I can hear that you're feeling pretty confused by your own reaction - perhaps you expected to feel more emotion about what you read?
When things happen in our childhood our body and mind have built in defences to help protect us. It would make sense that you're feeling numb given that you can't recall anything about what happened - it's hard to connect with any emotion from that time.
It's also natural that traumatic events in childhood can lead to difficulties in relationships in later life and it sounds like this is something you do feel aware of happening - you mentioned your estranged father and the fall out with your mother and also the distance you're putting between you and your friends when you try to talk about things.
I wonder if you feel at a point where you're wanting to understand yourself better? Would that be right? If that's the case then as littlemissy suggests - considering some talking therapy could be beneficial.
It's not clear from your post how old you are. Here at TheSite we're aimed at 16-25 year olds so if you fall into that bracket then Youth Access can provide you with information on counselling services in your area.
Alternatively, your GP would also be a good first point of contact for a referral.
For a listening ear you can always call or email the Samaritans as well as Supportline - that space to talk without judgment can be a huge relief for some people and it may be an option for you to consider.
You've not gone into detail but if it's relevant then the NSPCC have information for adults who have suffered abuse or neglect as a child: http://www.nspcc.org.uk/help-and-advice/worried-about-a-child/online-advice/adults-abused-in-childhood/adults-abused-in-childhood_wda87228.html
^^that link also includes further links to specialist support organisations.
Really glad you found TheSite and reached out here, we're always here to listen and offer support. *hug*