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How to approach or talk to women?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm a pretty much feeling a bit awkward that in my 30s I'm asking this on a site where I'm possibly old enough to be a parent to some of you guys but still, needs must....
I actually have no idea how to chat to women. I don't mean I can't have a conversation with women I know from work etc but if I've managed to arrange to meet them from a dating site or have met or been introduced to them for the first time I simply have no idea what to say after the initial pleasantries.
There was one instance in the past where I was waiting for a bus and this woman had a designer bag which was similar to the male version I use to carry stuff to my job. I opened the conversation by asking "Hi, is that a [brand name removed] bag?", after she replied that it was I responded by saying "I thought it was, I have the bloke version". And the conversation stopped! I had no idea where to go with that and the opportunity was gone.
Part of the issue is I have slight Aspergers - not that anyone would really notice it and in no way will I ever use it as an excuse or let it rule me however it can affect how I interact in some social situations. But I refuse to let it beat me.
The other part is I don't want to seem like a creep, or a sexual predator etc. It's not like I'm trying so hard to not be one of these that I end up do coming across as creepy or anything like that. I'm generally quite manly and I'm aware that many women prefer that sort of approach (providing it's genuine and 'me'). In no way am I going down the road of blaming society for allowing women to be strong and having the right to say no - and I'm fully aware that everyone has the perfect right to go about their lives without having someone trying their luck at chatting them up.
Ok that got a little deep - and yep I do over-think things now and then! But sometimes even with a clear head my mind gets flustered.
Over to you guys....
I actually have no idea how to chat to women. I don't mean I can't have a conversation with women I know from work etc but if I've managed to arrange to meet them from a dating site or have met or been introduced to them for the first time I simply have no idea what to say after the initial pleasantries.
There was one instance in the past where I was waiting for a bus and this woman had a designer bag which was similar to the male version I use to carry stuff to my job. I opened the conversation by asking "Hi, is that a [brand name removed] bag?", after she replied that it was I responded by saying "I thought it was, I have the bloke version". And the conversation stopped! I had no idea where to go with that and the opportunity was gone.
Part of the issue is I have slight Aspergers - not that anyone would really notice it and in no way will I ever use it as an excuse or let it rule me however it can affect how I interact in some social situations. But I refuse to let it beat me.
The other part is I don't want to seem like a creep, or a sexual predator etc. It's not like I'm trying so hard to not be one of these that I end up do coming across as creepy or anything like that. I'm generally quite manly and I'm aware that many women prefer that sort of approach (providing it's genuine and 'me'). In no way am I going down the road of blaming society for allowing women to be strong and having the right to say no - and I'm fully aware that everyone has the perfect right to go about their lives without having someone trying their luck at chatting them up.
Ok that got a little deep - and yep I do over-think things now and then! But sometimes even with a clear head my mind gets flustered.
Over to you guys....
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Comments
Welcome to the boards :wave:
There is nothing awkward or wrong for you to ask on this site, anything you feel or struggle with is valid!!
It's worth trying to break down what happens for you when you are around women. Is it only women you fancy that you struggle speaking to or women in general?
What goes through your mind when you don't know what to say? Sometimes our insecurities make us too aware and can block us from being ourselves. For example if you think just before speaking to a women "i'm not good enough" or "she won't like me" then it's possible that this results in you not knowing what to say. If your thoughts were more like "I can do this" or "i think she'll like me" perhaps you would be able to say more? Do you think your confidence affects you here?
It's great that you say you refuse to let having Asperger's beat you and it's really useful that you are aware of certain social issues, but want to find ways to handle them
A good way to make conversation is simply ask questions. You mention you don't want to appear creepy and it's true that for some people it's a thin line, but asking simple questions to someone shows interest and is a good conversation starter! Some women might not be willing or in the mood to chat back, yet some will - and it wouldn't be a reflection on you. Being yourself is important and gradually it will become more natural.
It can be tough though, not everyone knows what to say all the time! So try not to be too hard on yourself and perhaps give it a try more often and test yourself :yes:
I think perhaps I might be making this look a bit deeper than it is. Yes I only fancy women but my mind just goes blank. It's not as if I have insecurities building barriers - I simply don't know what to talk about! The only thing in my mind at the time will be hoping that I don't come across as a creep or as if I'm some sort of 'sex pest'.
If you know women at work are there any you could develop something with? Start out as friends and see if you can move it along? You'll find that if you take the pressure of trying to be her fella out the occasion and just someone she chats to then things will move more smoothly.