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suicide feels like the only escape
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Forgive me I'm new to this site but I'm quite desperate atm so I guess this a cry for help. I tried suicide once 3 years back and it failed, I woke up in hospital with tubes down my throat and I never want to feel that internal pain again. I then got support from family members and got better.I've never ever dared to try it again out of fear of pain (despite how low I've been) and other reasons I'll come onto.
Anyways, the past 3 years I've been at University struggling to get my degree and throughout that time my dad had a heart attack, my grandad had a heart attack, my dog died and my mums got cancer has been battling it but she lost and is now in her final stages in hospital. I'm expecting her to die soon and I'm my final year of University. I've abused alcohol for years because I couldn't deal with my problems and am now a recovering alcoholic. I've had so many friends come and go over the years who always turned to me when they've had problems and now I need them they're not their which makes me feel used.
Ive never had many friends and usually kept to myself and am I'm introverted. I've been fighting depression for years even before these circumstances and it's only getting harder, I've been on and off antidepressants, moved to different psychiatrists, psychologists and counsellors and have recently found out I have aspergers, dyslexia, dyspraxia, attention deficit disorder(without the hyperactivity) and joint hypermobility which really knocked my confidence. At one point I was told I had bipolar 2 disorder and was told to go on lithium by a psychiatrist (who hadn't even met me) to which I refused, and then later told I don't have bipolar I have clinical depression and the bipolarity diagnosis was wrong (which has really * my head around). I've always struggled with my peers and preferred adults, I always seem to get picked on by my peers because I''m quiet and an easy target. The few friends I've got don't really understand depression and despite having the right intentions they make me feel worse and they (and my my family) never call, message or keep in contact with me unless I put the effort it which makes me feel like I've got no real friends and just a burden to those around me.
I hate the way I look, sound and my personality and I'm in my 3rd year of university, don't what to do when I leave, got to come to terms that my mums going to be dead, tackle alcoholism, depression and achieve the best grades I can simultaneously. I want to spend my last days my mum but she wants me to finish my degree to leave her with a happy memory and most of the time I'm expecting a phone call saying shes dead. I'm living in a halls of residence surrounded by 1st year students where all the lifestyle is around drinking, sex, drugs, popular culture and rock n roll e.t.c which I don't don't give a sh** about. I can't relate to anyone here, can't handle small talk, got no friends, the ones I've got don't understand me and they just say that 'they're their for me if I need them'.
I've never had a girlfriend or done anything with a girl because I've been depressed for so long. I was a fat and ginger kid at school and still feel that way. Even though I don't look like that now and apparently I'm 'good looking' I still feel like that same kid. Im trying to settle down with my studies but I'm struggling to concentrate cus of what's going on in my head and I'm also scared I'll fail. I never see anyone most days and become lonely, I've walked most of my life alone and my parents whilst they deep down love each other they've had such a brutal relationship which I couldn't escape from I spent most of my youth in my bedroom listening to them fight. All I can ever hear outside my flat at Uni is people drinking, socialising and having a great time which I cannot do in to cuz I'm an alcoholic and it makes me jealous.
I'm £1500 in debt and despite being sober and on citalopram for so long I don't feel any better, I can't solve my problems. I have no idea what I'm going to do after university and I hate the hometown I come from and feel absolutely trapped and cant see a good future ahead as I've been told it'll get easier and better as I get older so many times and it's only gotten worse. In a weird I feel like I'm destined to kill myself. I can't remember my last happy thought or the last time I even felt happy and there is so much stigma around mental health that I can't talk to anybody about it, and being at university, it's all small talk anyway which I don't enjoy. I'm getting to a point where I'm thinking of planning my suicide again and make sure I do it properly this time but more quickly. Part of me feels terrible about even contemplating it as my mum has cancer and would do anything to keep her life. I'm not going to do it anytime soon but am strongly considering it. I dont want to but it feels like the only way out of this psychological torture. I can't sleep properly, I feel energyless most of the time, got no one to turn to, lonely, severely anxious and keep punching myself in the head. I guess I just don't know else to do and life feels too much. Sorry for the essay guys, but as I said, I'm pretty desperate atm.
Anyways, the past 3 years I've been at University struggling to get my degree and throughout that time my dad had a heart attack, my grandad had a heart attack, my dog died and my mums got cancer has been battling it but she lost and is now in her final stages in hospital. I'm expecting her to die soon and I'm my final year of University. I've abused alcohol for years because I couldn't deal with my problems and am now a recovering alcoholic. I've had so many friends come and go over the years who always turned to me when they've had problems and now I need them they're not their which makes me feel used.
Ive never had many friends and usually kept to myself and am I'm introverted. I've been fighting depression for years even before these circumstances and it's only getting harder, I've been on and off antidepressants, moved to different psychiatrists, psychologists and counsellors and have recently found out I have aspergers, dyslexia, dyspraxia, attention deficit disorder(without the hyperactivity) and joint hypermobility which really knocked my confidence. At one point I was told I had bipolar 2 disorder and was told to go on lithium by a psychiatrist (who hadn't even met me) to which I refused, and then later told I don't have bipolar I have clinical depression and the bipolarity diagnosis was wrong (which has really * my head around). I've always struggled with my peers and preferred adults, I always seem to get picked on by my peers because I''m quiet and an easy target. The few friends I've got don't really understand depression and despite having the right intentions they make me feel worse and they (and my my family) never call, message or keep in contact with me unless I put the effort it which makes me feel like I've got no real friends and just a burden to those around me.
I hate the way I look, sound and my personality and I'm in my 3rd year of university, don't what to do when I leave, got to come to terms that my mums going to be dead, tackle alcoholism, depression and achieve the best grades I can simultaneously. I want to spend my last days my mum but she wants me to finish my degree to leave her with a happy memory and most of the time I'm expecting a phone call saying shes dead. I'm living in a halls of residence surrounded by 1st year students where all the lifestyle is around drinking, sex, drugs, popular culture and rock n roll e.t.c which I don't don't give a sh** about. I can't relate to anyone here, can't handle small talk, got no friends, the ones I've got don't understand me and they just say that 'they're their for me if I need them'.
I've never had a girlfriend or done anything with a girl because I've been depressed for so long. I was a fat and ginger kid at school and still feel that way. Even though I don't look like that now and apparently I'm 'good looking' I still feel like that same kid. Im trying to settle down with my studies but I'm struggling to concentrate cus of what's going on in my head and I'm also scared I'll fail. I never see anyone most days and become lonely, I've walked most of my life alone and my parents whilst they deep down love each other they've had such a brutal relationship which I couldn't escape from I spent most of my youth in my bedroom listening to them fight. All I can ever hear outside my flat at Uni is people drinking, socialising and having a great time which I cannot do in to cuz I'm an alcoholic and it makes me jealous.
I'm £1500 in debt and despite being sober and on citalopram for so long I don't feel any better, I can't solve my problems. I have no idea what I'm going to do after university and I hate the hometown I come from and feel absolutely trapped and cant see a good future ahead as I've been told it'll get easier and better as I get older so many times and it's only gotten worse. In a weird I feel like I'm destined to kill myself. I can't remember my last happy thought or the last time I even felt happy and there is so much stigma around mental health that I can't talk to anybody about it, and being at university, it's all small talk anyway which I don't enjoy. I'm getting to a point where I'm thinking of planning my suicide again and make sure I do it properly this time but more quickly. Part of me feels terrible about even contemplating it as my mum has cancer and would do anything to keep her life. I'm not going to do it anytime soon but am strongly considering it. I dont want to but it feels like the only way out of this psychological torture. I can't sleep properly, I feel energyless most of the time, got no one to turn to, lonely, severely anxious and keep punching myself in the head. I guess I just don't know else to do and life feels too much. Sorry for the essay guys, but as I said, I'm pretty desperate atm.
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Comments
Thanks for your post, I hope you don't mind but I've divided it into paragraphs to make it easier for people to read and process your story - there's a lot of detail and I hope it's helped in some way to see it all typed out.
I'm really glad to hear you got support from family members last time you were feeling this low, can you remember what helped you during that time?
What I'm hearing here is that you've really fought hard to forge a path for yourself, but a combination of difficulties are holding you back such as family troubles and illness, your own mental illness, physical disability and low self-esteem that you're carrying due to past bullying.
You've also mentioned stigma when it comes to talking about mental health issues and I think this is something lots of us can relate to. The good news is that things are moving on slowly but surely, which means there are people you can talk to outside of psychiatry about your experiences.
A few questions if you don't mind - what are you studying at uni and what led you to choose the course?
Is your town near to any major cities?
Have you heard of Time to Change? You might find it helpful/interesting to explore their website and check out their 'standup to stigma' campaign: http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/young-people/how-can-i-standup-stigma
Could you tell us a little bit more about your debt, for example, is it an overdraft on a student account?
Hearing all the different elements that are causing you stress, it's understandable you're feeling so overwhelmed and trapped. Having the opportunity to break these down and tackle them one at a time may be much easier than resigning yourself to the fact that everything is wrong - often when we start to unpick things we can spot the things that we did OK with or that have potential to move forward.
Anyhow, I'll stop now before it turns into a ramble
I'm studying Film and Television, at the time everyone was telling me to do law, economics, maths or something which would be more career orientated and earn good money but I decided I wanted to do something I enjoyed, as I would prefer to have a job I enjoy with low pay than a job with high pay I don't enjoy. However, since being at Uni I've realised there isn't a lot of job opportunity in film and TV and with whats happening with my mum and being my 3rd year I've lost motivation with the course but I have to follow it through so I haven't wasted 3 years.
My hometown is Boston in Lincolnshire and I hate the place, the Closest cities are Lincoln and Peterborough.
And as for my debt, its a student overdraft and to be honest I worked it up myself because I was spending vast amounts of money on things I didn't need to make myself feel better and a lot of it went on booze so I've nobody to blame for that except myself.
The way I saw it was I don't care if I live or die so why not take pills and get completely hammered everyday. Most people I know haven't had depression and mistake it for sadness and expect me to 'snap out of it' or 'man up' which I cannot do because if I could, believe me I would. In a weird way being depressed feels like I'm seeing things clearly because optimism just feels fake and like I'm lying to myself. I also had this idea in my head that if I stopped drinking and took meds and routine and exercise I would feel better and things would start going well but they're don't, the problems still remain, alcohol just adds to them. I've also realised the stigma around alcoholics because a lot of people think your depressed because you drink when in fact, your depressed which is why you drink because it gives you a buzz (for a while anyways). I'm just getting sick of people treating me like I'm stupid or a kid when in a fact I've more life experiences than they've had. People always feel the need to try and advise and tell you the logical things to do but have no intent to listen and actually understand because when your in this state, your highly emotional and cannot think clearly. I also get sick of people telling me 'it could be worse, there's people starving in other countries', its like saying 'don't be happy, it could be better'.
Anyway I'm ranting now but there's the answers to your questions.
You're absolutely right that your Mum's condition is affecting her responses to you and the cocktail of drugs she's no doubt taking will have an impact - you're clearly in tune with her to notice then. When you're feeling so low yourself, the reality of having your closest supportive person in this condition is devastating - and when that's compounded by a distortion in your loved-one's personality, it becomes even harder to cope. As it sounds like the support your Mum provided last time is unlikely to be available at this point, you may find it worthwhile to contact IAPT services off your own back. I've found the page for the East of England that gives you an idea of what's available.
A little background on IAPT - there's much more on the website:
Doing an undergrad in something you enjoy is a smart move if you're genuinely passionate about the subject - most people either have to identify a further qualification after uni, get on a grad scheme or start in a lowly role - so often that means undergrad is simply about having an opportunity to study, rather than gaining useful work based skills (unless you end up being a professor). In terms of jobs in TV, it's a really wide ranging field, so I was wondering if you have any specific interests within it?
It happens to many of us and while it doesn't feel good to know that was the reality, you don't need to hold on to any blame for yourself - as you say, you just wanted to feel better and that although that wasn't the healthiest way to go about it, you haven't harmed anyone else.
Ranting is what we're here for and your story is far from unfamiliar to me - the platitudes or clichés pinned on people every day are pretty depressing and not being able to find constructive alternatives is again depressing in itself. You're far from a stupid kid and have clearly had to grow up really, really fast given your life circumstances.
You're right too about the advice thing - we can't help give each other suggestions, it makes us feel better about ourselves
From my point of view I've just put forward some options that you might not heard of - even more depressing that being given advice can be feeling if there's literally no where to go.
On that note, you might want to drop into a local Mind - for example not sure if this is the right one for you locally, but the fact they invite people in to just have a coffee and a chat is promising, if you're home for Easter it could be an option. Alternatively, there might be one more local to you at uni.
Again, happy to keep talking about this.