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Anger

Dr PirateDr Pirate Posts: 8,303 Legendary Poster
Hi,

Some of you may already know me. I'm Lee. In May of 2013 I lost my mother to cervical cancer. Since that awful period of my life, I've been unable to control my anger at all times and in November, I made an attempt at suicide.

I have since been started on 20mg of Citralopam which as far as I can tell are nothing more than a mild sedative. Neither helping with my anger, nor my depression.

These events and their effect on my psyche, have had an extremely taxing impact on my relationship with my fiancee. I'm ruining the best parts of my life because I honestly think I don't deserve them. Feeling hopeless, I've turned on occasion to drink and drugs. Both giving relief in the (very) short term but ultimately causing more strife.

I'm not sure what I'm looking to gain by posting this, but here it is anyway

Thanks for reading.

Lee - Dr Pirate.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Forst of all, very sorry to hear this. :(

    Are you receiving counselling or any other therapy?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    lee :heart:

    last year we lost my boyfriend's mum far too young, she had heart failure. it's just terrible and the grief is horrible. it is getting easier (i think) but it takes such a lot of time, because it feels so unfair, so unjustified, so wrong. she did nothing wrong, she was a good person, and she's gone. she's gone and there's so much that she will miss out on, she'll never see us get married or our children be born. it hurts me that i couldn't do something to stop it, to help her, and it hurts him that he couldn't save her. so all i'm really trying to say is that you are not alone, and it's going to get better. it wasn't his fault that his mum died and it's not your fault that your mum died. my bf isn't angry all of the time, sometimes he seems quite at peace with it but other times he isn't. don't shut your fiancee out, she can't make it better but i know she will be wanting to do anything at all just to make it easier for you. i guess you can't tell her what you want because you don't know. but let her be there, don't push her out because she is the strength you need.

    it doesn't surprise me that they've stuck you on medication but ultimately it won't fix the sadness and it won't ease the pain. if it helps you get some sleep then that's something i suppose. were you offered any counselling? having someone to talk through it all with might help, of course it can't change anything but you might get some relief from sharing your anger and pain with someone away from the situation.

    there is a way through this, i don't know what it is other than just carrying on as best as you can, that's what we are doing.
    much much love x x x
  • **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    Hey Lee,

    Firstly I want to let you know I'm really glad you posted. I've experienced a similar loss and fully second everything omg hi has posted and know that sharing with others can be a great comfort.

    Secondly, you refer to 'that awful period of your life' as if you possibly feel you shouldn't be feeling like this anymore? Putting things in perspective, it's been less than a year, which is absolutely no time at all in the context of such a loss and the impact - so it's 100% understandable that you're still carrying such difficult emotions. There are a lot of milestones to get through, each of them painful, each of them taking time to unravel and come to terms with. Ultimately the experience you're going through is bound to change you - bound to affect how you view yourself in relation to others and how you feel about the future.

    How do you feel your fiancee is responding to you? Is there anything she could do differently that you feel would help? Or is it more a case that you feel you need help yourself and are struggling to maintain a relationship while you're hurting so much?

    In terms of talking options, I'm guessing you might have already heard of Cruse? I think coming here to air your thoughts is a really good first step and you might just find it really valuable to sift through some options with us.

    If it's not too painful, it might also be helpful to talk a bit about why you don't feel deserving of some of the best parts of your life - I don't think it's a rare feeling and can be really healthy to address.

    Finally, I agree there is a way through this. I can't lie and say it's easy or that time heals very quickly, but in the context of your whole life - there is plenty of love and hope to hold onto.

    Take care,
    Helen
  • Dr PirateDr Pirate Posts: 8,303 Legendary Poster
    Thanks everyone,

    omg hi, (sorry, I'm crap with names) - you've hit the nail on the head, I don't know what will help. I'm trying not to push my fiancee away but it's very difficult when I can't control how I'm feeling a lot of the time!

    Helen - You're right, it's gonna be a long slog and it's not even been a year. It's going to be especially hard as mum passed 2 days before my birthday. I've seen a couple of psychotherapists and I'm currently on a waiting list for an NHS counseling appointment. I feel like I'm losing grip of my sanity though. The anger isn't the only problem, but I don't really want to go into that yet. I need to sort out what it is in my head first.

    Thanks for your replies,

    Lee.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Lee,

    I don't have a huge amount of advice, but my condolences. I know I only met your mum very briefly once but she seemed like such a lovely person.

    Grieving is never easy, I struggled to get to grips with losing someone myself, but maybe getting in touch with cruse bereavement care and see if a few sessions with them help.

    Have you ever tried mindfulness? I've found it helpful at times, and it's helpful to create a safe space to go in your head when it feels like everything is out of control! There's a few good books I could recommend if you want to give it a try.

    Most of all, remember to come rant or talk to us here when you need to.

    Huge hugs to you!

    Luby :)
  • SkiveSkive Posts: 15,282 Skive's The Limit
    Sorry to hear about your mum mate, I too lost my mother to cancer several years ago now. Its not something I ever really talked about on here, maybe i should have, i tend to bottle things up though. I went through a stage where I was very low with sleeping and anger issues as well.
    Although there were times that I hit the drink hard shortly after she died, it didnt become a habit but I see how it could, feels lije the answer at the time but looking back it made me worse. I had girlfriend at the time but that fizzled out pretty quickly due to my complete apathy towards her.
    Eventually it did get better though, I put my anger and energy into a new job and kept myself busy. I have a mate who lost his mother to ms about the same time, and he put all his anger and energy into weight training.
    Im not saying that either of those things is for you, but I think if you can find something new to put your energy into, then it can help stop you stewing. I found my head was getting stuck in cycles thinking about the same things and it was fucking me up. Breaking up that way of thinking was key for me.
    Good luck.
    Weekender Offender 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just wanted to drop by and give you some virtual hugs and support if I can. I lost my Nan to cancer in October 2012, no where near as painful as losing your mum I'm sure but I was an addict at the time and dealt with it by taking drugs. I think it'll reach a point where you realise there are better ways to cope, but it can take a while to get there. Have you spoken to your doctor about upping your citalopram or trying you on another anti depressant?

    Do you have any other coping methods? High energy exercise can be a good one. Try and focus on getting to the counselling sessions, and when they arrive make your self some loose focuses/goals to try and improve how you're feeling. Take each day as it comes, I know people always say that but it does help. Focus on the now, not the yesterday or tomorrow.
  • JsTJsT Posts: 18,268 Skive's The Limit
    Big gay hugs for you DrNub. :love:
  • Dr PirateDr Pirate Posts: 8,303 Legendary Poster
    Thanks everyone, means a lot to me to know that there are others that have had the same emotional responses to stuff as me.

    Just a quick update, since I posted this thread, I've managed to keep it together a little more (through sheer will power!) and my girlfriend and I have only had 2 arguments since. Sounds a lot, I know but it's a drastic reduction. I'm still chasing up a Psychological referral from my GP to the local Mental Health Hospital. Aside from that though not much has changed. I'm feeling more sad, more often. My mum's birthday is coming up soon (end of March) and I'm dreading it. That and the day she passed are going to be the 2 biggest trials for my mental state for quite some time.

    Thanks everyone.

    Lee (AKA KingNub to JsT)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Keep in touch with us and have a good vent if you need to on here!
    Take care! :)
  • **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    Miss_Riot wrote: »
    Keep in touch with us and have a good vent if you need to on here!
    Take care! :)

    This :yes:

    You should feel really proud of the reduction in arguments with your girlfriend - are you able to identify what's helped?
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