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Depressed

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm feeling really depressed.

It's hard to explain but depression isn't usually one of my problems. I usually suffer more with up and down emotions, impulsivity, irritability etc.

I'm using all my energy to get up in the mornings and go to placement. Yesterday I went to bed at 8.30, and the night before 9.30, just because I can't cope with being awake and aware for any longer during the day.

I have loads of stuff to do but am obviously not getting it done. I'm really disappointed because I was feeling good before Christmas. I have come off my anti-depressants but I don't really want to go back on them :( also think I would overdose if I had any left.

My GP is away until the end of March, and my CPN has taken the rest of her time off sick before retirement. I went in last week and complained that no one had really told me what was going on, I was told I'd get a call, but no call.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey yellowseahorse,

    I'm sorry to hear about how you're feeling *hug*

    I know you say that you're using all of your energy to get up and go to placement, but I want to point out that you're clearly strong and brave to even be getting up and trying to carry on with placement because that takes a lot of effort.

    When did you come off your anti-depressants? Did you make the decision to come off them?

    It's hard if you don't want start taking meds again. Do you have a lot of close friends, any people that make you feel good? If so, my only advice would be to make some plans, go out and enjoy yourself, have people over at yours. Also, what kind of things do you enjoy? For example, I like Mindfulness, drawing, things like that..

    I know you worry that there are things you haven't yet got done, but you're well being is the most important thing.

    Do you have any close friends you could talk to about the way you're feeling?

    We care and we're here, keep posting *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just tried to tell my housemates how I feel, and they just laughed at me.
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    Just tried to tell my housemates how I feel, and they just laughed at me.

    *hug*

    Is it worth attempting to see a different GP while yours is away?

    In terms of your friends, are they people who might benefit from seeing some of the 'time to change' resources? Only you can decide if they're the kind of people who might respond to it, but you could drop an email or FB message if talking to them again is too intimidating - the videos in particular, are pretty good for getting the point across. Here's a page specifically about depression: http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/category/blog/depression

    Experiencing an episode of depression is really draining and it sounds like it's particularly hard because these are new symptoms for you. Sometimes it's reassuring to remember that this time of year is particularly tough and when Spring comes, things often start to look up a bit... I know that doesn't necessarily help with how you're feeling right now, but I sometimes find it helps in terms of understanding what might add to the feelings.

    Another option to consider - your local Mind. Have you had a look to see what they offer? I just had a look and seemed quite interesting - but obviously won't post here as confidentiality is important.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for your replies.

    I managed to get some work done late afternoon today after spending a few more hours in bed.

    I'm really disappointed with how my housemates reacted. I wasn't mega serious and intense... I just said how I was feeling quite bad, felt stressed, weighed down and under pressure and how I had no motivation to get out of bed. It really hurts. I tried to just talk about my feelings in a really normal way. So not make a big deal out of it, but it just didn't work. I don't think the time to change videos would help. Whenever we've talked about my mental health before it's always been my fault for how they've reacted. I feel so alone.

    I really miss my family. I guess I kind of just want to be looked after a bit. Or be able to talk about having a bad day without being judged. I feel so guilty for not making more of an effort with my dad, and also for not being there for my mum. I don't feel like an adult. I don't feel like I can be responsible for myself or other people.

    I have experienced depression before, just not really like this (well, for a long time) and just not quite this badly.

    I decided to come off my anti-depressants because I felt like although they did help me sleep, I was losing some of my function during the day. At first it was so nice to be off them. I couldn't honestly say whether they helped or not. I guess they did... I've been on various medication pretty much all the time since I was 15. I never really felt like any of it made much a difference, but maybe it did? Maybe that's why I haven't really struggled with what I would call depression recently (I have a diagnosis of a personality disorder and so often get periods of low moods, or low mood as a result of triggers) but I guess this feels a bit different - mainly because I'm not really struggling excessively with everything else. As I said before, it's hard to explain - but in my head the depression and the PD stuff is separate but also linked in some ways.

    I've been in contact with my local MIND perhaps about 9 months ago. They were very friendly, but most of what they offered was either stuff I could get through university but I hadn't found helpful, or were services that were only on during the day.

    I texted my mum telling her that I felt really stressed out and was finding it hard to get out of bed. I don't think I'll ever be able to properly talk about my mental health with her, especially now that she has so much else to worry about, but I guess it's a start.

    I should probably go to my GP. I think part of me is in denial. I had made so much progress managing my unhelpful thinking patterns and impulsive behaviour, and now something totally different has just knocked me back. I want to be the person that is getting better, the person that's being positive and strong. But I'm not that.

    In terms of triggers, I think its just been a series of events... first starting when my dad went into hospital before Christmas. I was quite depressed over that time and although I saw family, I didn't meet up with any friends over the whole Christmas period. Then I came back to uni, one of my friends died, had an awful exam and now feel completely snowed under with work.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Spending today in bed :/
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've got a plan. There's no point telling anyone, because nobody will be able to do enough to stop me doing it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've got a plan. There's no point telling anyone, because nobody will be able to do enough to stop me doing it.

    A plan for what..? Are you okay..?
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    Are you okay lovely

    Sent from my GT-I8190 using Tapatalk
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm really not. Just waiting to be alone.
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    Hugs.. stay strong lovely x

    Sent from my GT-I8190 using Tapatalk
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm really not. Just waiting to be alone.

    Has something happened?

    When is this 'plan' for? *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    R

    Sorry I never replied. That was a hard night and I'm struggling again now.

    I just fight my way through the week and then the weekend comes and I just sink. Really low.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Had an appointment with a specialist and it really wasn't what I had hoped for.

    Trying to do the right thing and not let it drag me down to doing something stupid.

    I am trying - I've texted a few friends asking if we could do something tonight. I haven't got any replies yet. I really hope that someone's up for doing something because I'm really in a state and secondly because the only thing worse than not doing anything with anyone is asking people and then getting rejected.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How did last night go in the end?

    Getting anyone to do anything in vile winter weather seems to be nigh on impossible.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think the best way to get rid of depression is not thing about that too much and just think about other things which give you happiness and also you can spend your time with friends which help you to get relax and may sure they will help you to solve your problem.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think the best way to get rid of depression is not thing about that too much and just think about other things which give you happiness and also you can spend your time with friends which help you to get relax and may sure they will help you to solve your problem.

    Wow that's a great tip. I feel so better already. -.-
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Billmeon, people can struggle with depression at many different levels. It's worth taking a read through the whole thread sometimes before posting as there's often some background which will help you tell what advice people are looking for.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Had a weekend away with friends. Realised nobody really likes me. Came home early, cried all the way home and the whole of yesterday. Called my mum and told her how bad I was feeling. It never works. We just can't communicate. I get so angry that she doesn't know instinctively what will help. It's not her fault, it's mine. I don't know either.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Dealing with parents can be difficult, especially when you live away from home. One thing it took me a long time to learn (and I still have a massive tendency to forget) is that they only see a tiny window on your life these days. So the bits inbetween whatever you happen to talk about on phonecalls passes them by completely. In my case it meant at one point that my mum really couldn't get her head around why I was making an effort with my job, and going out of the way for it, rather than putting my efforts into looking for another one. Eventually it dawned that she only heard the rants rather than the bits inbetween, when the big picture is actually overall I love my current job and I can't think of one I'd rather have at the moment even if this one drives me around the bend at times. Two completely different views on the same experience.

    I struggle to believe that nobody likes you - but I don't think that's one I'm going to win on. What have you got coming up? Anything to aim towards?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey yellow,

    I have absolutely nothing useful to suggest, I just wanted to drop in and offer you a hug *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have no energy to fight this anymore. I have an appointment with a new CPN next week (3rd CPN in a year). I can't go and don't think I'll reschedule. Never missed an appt before in my life because I used to think they were important. All feels so pointless now though. My family care because they have to. I don't fit into anybody else's lives. I wouldn't leave a hole.
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    I have no energy to fight this anymore. I have an appointment with a new CPN next week (3rd CPN in a year). I can't go and don't think I'll reschedule. Never missed an appt before in my life because I used to think they were important. All feels so pointless now though. My family care because they have to. I don't fit into anybody else's lives. I wouldn't leave a hole.

    Hey yellow, it sounds like you're experiencing a crash after a period of feeling more confident and then having a knock to your confidence. Can you tell us a bit more about what happened at the weekend? It sounds like it was particularly tough and so it might help to share a bit more to get some perspective.

    Also just wanted to drop in and highlight that the reason you've felt before that appointments are important is because they are - but the reason is because you're important and so it's understandable that in a period where your self belief is quite low, you'd struggle to attach that importance to your own wellbeing.

    A little while ago you talked about things improving with your mum - are you able to reflect on that period again? *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry I didn't reply.

    I had my parents down at the weekend. We didn't discuss how things were going. It's crap, but after 10 years of trying I think it's just something we find too hard to talk about.

    Had an appt with my new CPN today. It's all so pointless. He doesn't know me. I'm so tired of the same old questions. It's not helpful. I've told him I'm not going back. I don't have access to any therapy and I don't have the energy or the willpower to attend these pointless appointments. They just talk about wanting to support me, but it's all bullshit, they can't make a difference. No one and nothing can make a difference to how I'm feeling right now.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There's no one I want to talk to and there's no one who can do anything. I know it needs to come from me, but that takes hard work and determination and I don't have that. I tried so fucking hard for months, get a tiny glimpse of what a happy life would be like and then shit comes crashing down like it always does. I can't stand to be alive. I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin. There's nothing left to try.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There's no one I want to talk to and there's no one who can do anything. I know it needs to come from me, but that takes hard work and determination and I don't have that. I tried so fucking hard for months, get a tiny glimpse of what a happy life would be like and then shit comes crashing down like it always does. I can't stand to be alive. I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin. There's nothing left to try.

    Well done for seeing the new CPN, it must have been hard to feel like you have to explain everything all over again to someone that doesn't 'get you' yet and is unlikely to understand in one session where you're coming from.. do you still feel sure about not going back - did you get a good impression of them generally or think they might be someone you could build a relationship with? I know it feels like more uphill work but just wondered what sort of vibe you got from them generally?

    Talking to family about mental health can be really tough as it's mixed up in a lot of emotion because of the context of that relationship - guilt can be a big one, on both sides and you mentioned earlier it just makes you angry when they're not able to do/say the right thing. That sounds frustrating for you - is there anyone that you can turn to that does say the right thing? What sorts of things do you think you might need from the people around you?

    I can really hear how almost resentful you feel that you were doing well and then things have since become difficult again. I guess the positive to take from that is that your hard work can pay off when you feel ready :)

    Big hug *hug*
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