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How can I combat loneliness?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I know I'm getting a bit old for asking for help on here and should move on to somewhere else, or maybe it's just that I'm asking unanswerable questions but if you have a shred of advice or just a bit of support please share it!

I have been chronically lonely most of my life - mainly due to being third generation only child thus having a very small family and being stalked by my father for years and having to move a lot as a kid. To compound it I now have chronic pain syndrome which means I spend my life either in bed or at doctors appointments. I've tried online dating normally to be hit back with the line - I don't do chicks with sticks (or wheels for that matter), after the first date. My town is horrifically up itself and has very little community spirit so there's nothing much to do here, so I end up with the very occasional visit from someone who pities me or busying my time with learning/making something or when my brain is fried watching TV or films. I've even started to go to the gym (more for my health as I've put on 3 stone since getting ill, and thus have even more reason to dislike myself) and hoped I'd I would possibly make friends there but it seems people are scared to approach women in wheelchairs. Most groups here are held in inaccessible places, and there are few of those. I've lost so many friends (and boyfriends) since becoming unwell I really feel like I've run out of ideas.

My only really good friend did say that at least it gives me more time to study and to eventually get my PhD, (but I'm yet to find a uni that would let me teach via Skype). I know she meant to help but it just compounded everything.

What do I do? I can't bare this feeling and I don't want to have to take anti-depressants because I can't make friends!!!

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Miss_Riot,

    You've been a valued member of this community for a while and you have given people some great advice. We care about you so please don't ever feel like you shouldn't be posting on here, we want to listen and try to support you.

    I'm sorry to hear about the way you're feeling.

    I haven't posted yet because I don't think my suggestions will be useful at all, I definitely wanted to offer you a hug though *hug*

    How is the gym going? I'm so sorry to hear that you feel people are afraid to approach you, that's really not fair! To me, you seem like such a lovely and caring person and I bet you would be a great friend to people, so their loss! These people clearly aren't lovely or caring so you don't need people like that in your life anyway. I honestly believe you will make more friends one day, people who will like you for you're lovely qualities and the things you have in common because that's what matters :yes:

    Do you have anyone that could drive you somewhere sometimes? Or could you afford to get a taxi sometimes? The reason I ask this is because, you say that there's not much to do in your town, but are you able to go to another local town as there may be groups there that you could join?

    Do you have a library in your town? I used to go to the library a lot with an old friend and we used to meet new people sometimes. I wondered if that was worth a try?

    They're the only suggestions I have as it sounds like you've tried a lot of things already so I'm sorry if they're not of much help.

    I know feeling lonely and actually being alone aren't the same thing, but I just want to remind you that we will always be here for you *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The gym isn't going great cos I keep trying to pick quiet times and because its the local public gym its often very busy. I might try tomorrow morning. I also think I want to up it a bit, but considering my program is mainly resistance based I'm not seeing any difference yet. Theres only 2 cardio machine I can use and I'm not meant to use them for long. And no one ever talks to me at the gym - in fact I've been totally ignored by most people there asides the instructors.

    The next nearest big town is 45 mins away by car, and theres a lot to do there but I have no ideas where to start and I kind of feel I'm potentially giving myself a harder time if I look further afield because if I develop friends there its a fair way to have to travel on a regular basis and I might not always be able to manage it. I feel it could mean I'm setting myself up to fail.

    The Library - I used to spend a lot of time there but theres no where comfortable to be there and they don't run any groups (asides the book club which is exclusively attended by retired women).

    Several people I've talked to on fb have just said thats the way things are here, like it or move. Not really very helpful!
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,212 The Mix Elder
    Hey MissR

    I have wanted to post since you put up this thread but I haven't found the words to use but I totally echo what has already been said.

    You are not to old to post on here and we love having you on the boards and in chat, you mean a lot to this community. I am always here if you ever need a chat lovely.

    Stay strong and have some hugs. <3
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm finding being strong difficult. I'm going away for a week for physio and then I have to go back in 2 weeks time for another week.

    I'm struggling to keep myself going - I know what I have is not very treatable let alone very curable. I'm not going to have a "normal life" but I'm fed up of people just telling me that's the way life is. No it's not, that's just a cop out. I realised today I hadn't washed since Thursday and I'm not really taking care of myself, I've kind of lost interest like everyone else around me has!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Miss_Riot wrote: »
    I know I'm getting a bit old for asking for help on here and should move on to somewhere else, or maybe it's just that I'm asking unanswerable questions but if you have a shred of advice or just a bit of support please share it!

    I have been chronically lonely most of my life - mainly due to being third generation only child thus having a very small family and being stalked by my father for years and having to move a lot as a kid. To compound it I now have chronic pain syndrome which means I spend my life either in bed or at doctors appointments. I've tried online dating normally to be hit back with the line - I don't do chicks with sticks (or wheels for that matter), after the first date. My town is horrifically up itself and has very little community spirit so there's nothing much to do here, so I end up with the very occasional visit from someone who pities me or busying my time with learning/making something or when my brain is fried watching TV or films. I've even started to go to the gym (more for my health as I've put on 3 stone since getting ill, and thus have even more reason to dislike myself) and hoped I'd I would possibly make friends there but it seems people are scared to approach women in wheelchairs. Most groups here are held in inaccessible places, and there are few of those. I've lost so many friends (and boyfriends) since becoming unwell I really feel like I've run out of ideas.

    My only really good friend did say that at least it gives me more time to study and to eventually get my PhD, (but I'm yet to find a uni that would let me teach via Skype). I know she meant to help but it just compounded everything.

    What do I do? I can't bare this feeling and I don't want to have to take anti-depressants because I can't make friends!!!

    Hi Miss Riot,

    First of all, I can see from all of these reply's that you have a lot of support within this community and people think fondly of you.

    I, like you, have the good old passion killer, wheelchair! I too, find it very hard to make friends because if I do, they may live to far away and then I wouldn't be able to travel to see them.

    As for the date thing, I know what you mean, I've also had the 'sympathy look' and then never anything back from them. I know how hard it can be.

    So I just wanted to reply, and say you have my support too and if you wanted someone to chat to, I'm all ears!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm finding it hard with my PA making things difficult and I'm not sure what the hell I do. I'm hoping things get better but I think I'm going to lose her. But things seem so bloody difficult I can't even get out to meet people
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