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Never fancy anyone (at least in real life)

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Don't know how much sense this will make, but here goes.

I never fancy people - at least not in real life. I've had crushes on celebs, but I can't recall ever liking someone that way in real life, even to the degree that I'm not attracted to people. I can appreciate that someone is attractive but I don't feel an attraction towards them, either immediately or built up over time.

It's always been this way, I remember when I was at school and you get to that age where all of your friends are interested in boys, but it never happened to me. I even made up a crush just so my friends wouldn't think I was weird (they wouldn't accept my continuous "no" responses). I presumed it would just come later, but it hasn't (I'm 21). I love the idea of a relationship, but there's never been anyone that I have wanted to have a relationship with!

It's not a sexuality thing, because there hasn't been any girls that I've liked either and I wouldn't care if it was girls that I liked (it's not like I'm denying those feelings or anything).

My mum said to me that she thinks I maybe don't let myself like people - like a self esteem thing that I don't think I'm worthy or if I admitted that I felt that way I'd have to do something about it. Which would make sense (I have had lots of issues with depression etc), but if so it is completely unconscious. I have and am working on the self esteem thing and it's improved a lot, but this hasn't changed. If I don't know I'm doing it though, how do I stop? Or could there be another reason?

Just as a bit more info, the celebs that I've liked have been actors and I think the attraction has developed after following them as a certain character and I guess making the emotional connection. Could it just be that I haven't had the opportunity to do that in real life? But still isn't it odd to never have any attraction to anyone (as in finding them attractive straight away even if it doesn't necessarily go anywhere)? All my friends seem to do this all the time!

Just to complicate things more, the only person that I've thought I might fancy is actually my housemates boyfriend (talk about inappropriate). But I'm not sure that's even what it was, given that I over-think this topic too much. But if I did, then maybe that's a "safe" person because I nothing can happen (fitting in with the not allowing myself thing).

This is all over the place, but like I said I'm mega confused. Any insights would be appreciated. If it's something I'm doing unconsciously then how the hell do I deal with it?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey milou,

    I don't think I have any useful advice, I just wanted to say there's nothing wrong with not fancying anyone. I appreciate you might not believe me as you've stated you may have low self esteem, I just wanted to point it out anyway.

    The first guy I ever properly fancied, I was 17. I was with him for three years. Before then and after I haven't fancied anyone, not really.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that, again, it's okay not to find people attractive because one day you will find someone and you're still young so you've got plenty of time.

    I think, as well, that when you get to know someones personality better, you will start to fancy that person more. Finding someone attractive isn't the most important thing in a relationship, and when you do find someone you'll get to know them, eventually you'll fall in love with that person, then, to you, that person will be the most beautiful person in the world (inside and out).

    I think that's why you fancy celebs too. You say that you think you find them attractive after following a certain character, so I think you find them attractive as you're getting to know that characters personality more and then because you like that, you start to find them attractive on the outside too.

    How would you feel about maybe going on a few dates with someone, or getting to know someone? Do you think that could be a possibility?

    *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think, as well, that when you get to know someones personality better, you will start to fancy that person more. Finding someone attractive isn't the most important thing in a relationship [...]

    I think that's why you fancy celebs too. You say that you think you find them attractive after following a certain character, so I think you find them attractive as you're getting to know that characters personality more and then because you like that, you start to find them attractive on the outside too.

    :yes:

    It does seem that for you, being attracted to someone is mainly linked to personality - and there's nothing wrong with that.

    You admit you have no problem noticing if someone is attractive or not - but what you seem to struggle with, as you say, is "fancying" them. You housemates boyfriend may well fall into this category because perhaps you see a lot of him and therefore are getting to know him. I think a lot more people struggle with this then you might think - for a lot of people "fancying" someone is only physical - but for many its a combination of noticing they might be attractive to others, but getting to know them makes them attractive to you.

    It's good to sometimes wonder why we are a certain way though, as it lets you learn more about yourself. Unconscious thoughts can eventually be dealt with, once you take time working on your conscious side. Gradually some of your subconscious won't be as subconscious, as you will become more aware of it.

    You say you have issues with depression and could have low self esteem, could this be something you could look into more?
    Perhaps your mum is also right. A lot of people have their guard up without realising it in order not to get hurt. This could potentially stop you from getting close enough to start fancying someone - which would explain you not having a problem fancying a character on TV, as they can't actually hurt you.

    As butterfly123 suggested, it could be worth trying to date people you might not fancy yet, and get to know them and see what happens? A lot of people say they weren't even attracted to their husbands or wives at first, but then fell in love :heart:

    Let us know how you get on *hug*
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