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What's happening at the moment (may be triggering for some)

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi, sorry I haven't been around for ages, I've been kind of disconnected from everything.

I'm having a few problems at the moment with my mental health and so on, and I'm a bit stuck and confused as to what I should be doing with the help on offer.

Basically I got quite depressed over the summer, when I got put on citalopram, and although it got a bit better when I started university, it was still a problem. I've lost almost two stone since July because I'm just not hungry any more, and I started self harming again a bit.

A few weeks ago, I drunkenly told someone about getting raped last summer, which I'd never told anyone, and then it all went wrong. She held me for hours and told me it wasn't all my fault etc., all the things that you're supposed to say. I told a couple of other people since then, because it feels a bit less bottled up now I've started talking about it. However, ever since then I've been having mad breakdowns, especially when I've been drinking (I've stopped drinking and taking drugs for the moment now although I'm finding it a bit difficult.) For no particular reason I'll just find myself terrified and crying on the floor and not really able to remember how it happened. My flatmates have been quite worried about me, obviously, as I'm a state at the moment. Last wednesday, though, I was at a party organised by my university department, and just disappeared for about three hours, and nobody (me included) has any idea what happened to me. I remember exactly how much I'd drunk, which wasn't very much at all, so I'm scared that a beer someone had bought me had had something in it. But anyway, I woke up in the men's toilets with no idea what was going on, then I can't remember anything again until I was on my kitchen floor screaming and scared and crying, with my flatmates not knowing what to do. Then the next thing I know I was in A and E with two of my friends. Waited for ages, then explained to the on duty psych person what was going on, in short, my reaction to the rape, being terrified and depressed most of the time, these breakdowns, self harming and thinking about suicide, feeling I can control things with my mind, shoplifting, and strange/dangerous rituals I often do to keep myself and other people safe.

She referred me to the crisis team, who saw me three times and then discharged me. I've been to my university psychological services, who gave me an initial appointment a couple of days ago, and have given me an appointment with a psychiatrist in January. I guess they'll put me on the waiting list for psychotherapy and or CBT? Should I see my GP as well to explain what's going on and see what she can do?

I'm confused with the whole thing, and especially now Christmas is here and I'm back at my parents' house, my mental health is not going to be getting better by itself. I'm trying to be calm and rational, but my mind is getting stranger and less logical. My mother and I aren't close at all and I find being with her for too long very stressful (I also hate Christmas in general) so I'm dreading the next three weeks especially.

Please help me, I don't know what to do.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Grace

    That's a really brave post, well done.

    Yes, I think you should keep your GP informed. And if you have any trouble at all, make an urgent appointment with the GP surgery at your parents' or call out-of-hours. Have you tried talking to any helplines? I remember my first Christmas home from uni being hard, too. Is there any chance you can go back to uni early? Will any of your friends be around if you do?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you for replying.

    I have an appointment with my GP for when I get back, so I'll let her know. I've called samaritans a few times, but at the moment I don't have a phone so it's a bit difficult. I like knowing that I always have the opportunity to call them though, and when I do, they've always been wonderful.

    I'm a bit worried that I'm relying too much on one particular friend though. She has problems with depression and stuff too, and I'm always there to support her when she needs it, but I'm aware that at the moment, I'm the one that ends up being listened to/looked after more than her, and I don't want it to define our relationship.

    Tonight I told my mother how sad it made me that we weren't at all close, and she got quite upset. I do blame her, at least in part, for how distant we are, but I tried to explain it calmly and rationally. She said that it's all my fault because I'm unable to communicate properly, but she's sorry I feel that way. I'm not unable to communicate properly, because I do with everyone else apart from her, but I feel like if I started telling her things about my life now, it would be strange and forced. I don't know how to start building a proper relationship with her.

    It's partly because of that that I feel bad about wanting to go back early. I don't want her to think I hate her, and after this evening's conversation I think she'd know that anything I said about needing to get back to the library or something would be only at most a half truth. Most of my friends probably wouldn't be there, but that's not really a problem. I like being on my own, and I know if I felt unsafe, there'd be people that, although I'm not that close to, would be happy to eat dinner or watch a film together, if they knew I felt a little bit vulnerable. And the crisis team said they'd always be there if I needed to call them.

    I've let everything get on top of me and now I'm scared. I want my parents to know everything about what's going on and to just take over and let me just sleep through it all, but I can't just vomit up the last 7 years of my life at their feet. I wish I hadn't gone to boarding school or anything, so they'd have some idea of who I am as a person.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Anyone?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry I didn't see your reply.

    Relying on one friend is really hard, but sometimes friendship works like that. Do you have any support from your department? Or anyone else at the university you can see just to sound off in a safe space?

    Have you got a phone back yet? Or, meanwhile, considered emailing the Samaritans for a bit of sounding off?

    How is it being at your parents'? Have you broached the subject of going back to uni early? It's good that you mostly feel safe in your accommodation.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    piccolo wrote: »
    Sorry I didn't see your reply.

    Relying on one friend is really hard, but sometimes friendship works like that. Do you have any support from your department? Or anyone else at the university you can see just to sound off in a safe space?

    Have you got a phone back yet? Or, meanwhile, considered emailing the Samaritans for a bit of sounding off?

    How is it being at your parents'? Have you broached the subject of going back to uni early? It's good that you mostly feel safe in your accommodation.

    I don't think there's any support from my department or anyone I could just talk to, but there's the Samaritans for that I suppose? I've got a phone now, so at least calling them is an option.

    I got my sister to tell our mum most of what's going on with me (except drugs and rape) and I think she's trying to be a bit more supportive now. I actually quite like it that my parents are vocally worried about me for once, but I feel bad, especially for my mum, because I'm supposed to be the well behaved, calm and sensible one and I've kind of ruined that image.

    I've decided not to go back early - despite it being tense here, I don't have to see anyone at all apart from my parents and my cat ( live in the middle of a forest) so I'm just going to stay in bed and read and be calm for the next two weeks. Also I think that this will make my parents like me more because it's demonstrating that I care about them and so on.

    Christmas was a bit difficult and overwhelming, but I managed to deal with it quite well, I think, and my sisters made sure that people left me alone when I needed it.

    Also I haven't had any alcohol or drugs, not even weed, for more than two weeks!! I'm quite proud of myself for that :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    wow that's quite some achievements!

    When you're back at uni I'd also recommend NightLine as a source of support, during term time they're very good.
  • plugitinplugitin Noob Posts: 2,197 Mega Poster
    Well done on opening up to your sister, it sounds like she's been supporting you well - Christmas can be a huge challenge.

    Hope you can get some rest before heading back to uni *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's quite likely that my dad has some kind of growth on his auditory nerve, which could or could not be malignant and would need surgery either way, which I'm mad worried about, even though he doesn't seem to be.
    Also I think my mum hates me and my dad, she said we're the reason she's so 'fragile'. And she's thinking of splitting up with my dad when they move house.
    It's all a bit shit. I'm looking forward to going back to London but I don't want my dad to be lonely without me :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm sorry to hear that.

    I don't know what to say, I just wanted to offer hugs *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm sorry to hear of such sad news Grace. It sounds to me like your dad is being brave. I think it's important that you go back to London as you feel happy there from what I can tell, but maybe keep in touch with your dad where possible? I'm sure he'd appreciate you dropping him a call or text or even a letter or card to keep him chirpy? It must be really difficult for you all and I guess people handle situations in different ways. Maybe your mum is struggling with everything to and doesn't really know how to manage the situations? I can't speak for anyone else but I do know that when my family fell apart it was difficult for sure, but not impossible to get through. I hope that things work themselves out for the best and your dad is on the mend soon lovely. Keep posting and we'll do our best to reply :) Take care xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm sorry to hear of such sad news Grace. It sounds to me like your dad is being brave. I think it's important that you go back to London as you feel happy there from what I can tell, but maybe keep in touch with your dad where possible? I'm sure he'd appreciate you dropping him a call or text or even a letter or card to keep him chirpy? It must be really difficult for you all and I guess people handle situations in different ways. Maybe your mum is struggling with everything to and doesn't really know how to manage the situations? I can't speak for anyone else but I do know that when my family fell apart it was difficult for sure, but not impossible to get through. I hope that things work themselves out for the best and your dad is on the mend soon lovely. Keep posting and we'll do our best to reply :) Take care xx

    Thanks. He isn't really being brave I don't think, he just doesn't really 'do' worry and fear and stuff. He's the only person I know that can think 'there's nothing I can do about this' and then just stop worrying about it. I don't think it's *that* serious, but I'm still worried :(

    I'm definitely going back to London, because I'm going mad here and I want to get away from it all. The only way we really keep in touch when I'm gone is by sending each other pictures and videos of interesting things, neither of us are big talkers (one of the reasons I prefer him to my mum) so there isn't that much to say.

    I guess my mum is struggling with it all, but I find it quite difficult to be sympathetic. I think she's always been envious of the relationship I have with my dad, because we're very similar and she's the complete opposite of us - I have no idea why they even got together in the first place. I suppose that since I don't live with them and I'm an adult now I probably won't feature much in that decision, but I suggested that they stay in a relationship but live apart. Then my mum would stop being such a bitch to my dad.
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